#4- Super Hero World

#4
Super Hero World
Cube Count: Heroes, 3, Pool Boy 0

[The scene opens to ‘The End’ by My Chemical Romance. One by one our heroes awake and realize they are lying in a big park in the middle of a big metropolis sort of place.]

Alex:
Does anyone else feel really emo all of a sudden?

Spencer:
God, I hate My Chemical Romance.

Cindal:
Oh! Oh! Spencer is feeling emo!

Kathleen:
I don’t get it, what’s with the music? It’s all... poor me, understand my pain, someone call the waaambulance!

Johnny Depp:
Maybe we’re living your middle school years.

Kathleen:
Maybe you’re a douche bag!

Alex:
[To Cam] Wow, they aren’t getting along. I’d never have expected...

Cam:
Meh, Kathleen’ll break him down.... [Sombre look] She broke us all down eventually.

Kelti:
Hey look, we’re in Gotham City!

Cindal:
Batman world?

Kathleen:
No way, that’s too confining. It’s got to be something bigger. Something with.. Zazz!

Spencer:
I have zazz.

Kathleen:
You do not have zazz.

Spencer:
How do you know I don’t have zazz?

Kathleen:
Because I know zazz. I know zazz and you are zazzless.

Cam:
Maybe it’s some sort of combo super hero world.

Kathleen:
...Totally without zazz. Unzazzable.

Johnny Depp:
Will you shut up about the goddamned zazz?!

Kathleen:
[Muttering] You don’t have zazz either.

Alex:
Wait, do you hear that crying?
[The group of heroes, still obviously pissed off with each other, saunters towards a DARK AND SPOOKY ALLEY. There they find a man and woman, both very much dead, with a little boy crying by them.]

Natalie:
[Snort] Maybe we’re in Overused Cliche World.

Alex:
Erm, Nat... I think that might actually be a little Bruce Wayne.
[‘Trouble’ by Coldplay as preformed by the String Quartet begins to play.]

Kathleen:
Aw geez, now I feel like I have to comfort the kid. Hey, hey kid. [Young Bruce Wayne continues crying and crying... gawd..] It’s okay. It’s going to be just fine., You know, your dad wasn’t actually that great of a person. He was embezzling from the company and your mom was probably doing Alfred and-

Cindal:
Swat!

Kathleen:
What? What? I can’t be the only person who wasn’t fooled by that ridiculous perfectly family facade! [Back to the kid] Listen, you just run along and grow up to fight crime or something. It’ll be fine. Come on, gang. We need to find a cube piece.

Young Bruce Wayne:
[Upset for some reason or another] You’re a terrible person! I don’t want to be your friend anymore! [Runs off]

Kathleen:
[Stunned] Can you believe that? Batman said he didn’t want to be my friend anymore.

Johnny Depp:
Can you blame him? You told him his mom was banging Alfred!

Kathleen:
I suggested it! He didn’t have to believe me! [Scoffs] No one takes responsibility for their own emotions anymore. Always, ‘Urgh you hurt my feelings boohoo.’ Give me a break.

Johnny Depp:
[To Alex] Is she always like this?

Alex:
What? Embittered?

Johnny Depp:
Yeah.

Alex:
Emotionally dead inside and cruel to the highest extent?

Johnny Depp:
Well I wouldn’t go that far.

Spencer:
I would. No one calls me zazzless and gets away with it!

Kelti:
Yeah, you’re starting to sound like a mad scientist.

Alex:
Or possibly a sane one. It’s always hard to tell with you.

Cindal:
Hey, listen, as rivetting as this conversation is I see clutched in the cold, dead fingers of the deceased Mr. Batman that The Backstreet Boys are in town. I’m going to go find them.

Kathleen:
[Getting suspicious] You hate boybands. Why would you make an honest effort to hunt one down?

Cindal:
We’re in some sort of Super Hero World right? I’ve got to rid the world of evil, it’s my destiny.

Alex:
You say that like you’ve got some big greater plan and the rest of us are just...

Cindal:
Ants, yes, that’s right. Anyways, I’ll keep my eye out for a cube piece. Talk to you cats later. [She walks from the alley as ‘Cold Shoulder’ by Adele begins to play.]

Natalie:
Well, there’s one less person to worry about. So, boss, what do we do now?

Kathleen:
How the hell should I know? Batman hates me, the chances are anything I do after this point will be wrong.

Johnny Depp:
Yeeah, because every choice up to now has been a winner.

Kathleen:
Wow, you are just one big ol’ giant bastard aren’t you? Okay, fine. Split up. Alex, Natalie, Mr. Depp, you three can go... over there. Cam, Spencer, Kelti and I will go that way. Try, I don’t know, asking help from local super heroes. Maybe there’s some sort of... I don’t know, cube detecting device they use to save the world.

Natalie:
...Why would they have a cube detecting device?

Kathleen:
Why not?

Natalie:
Because it’s stupid and totally unrelated.

Kathleen:
Yeah, okay then. And hunting for twenty seven pieces of a cube of evil isn’t even remotely stupid or unrelated.

Alex:
Well, to be fair we have no idea what we’re supposed to be relating to.

Cam:
Yeah! Maybe we make Pez dispensers.

Kelti:
What would make you say that?

Cam:
I don’t know, I just think it would be a fun career move.

Kathleen:
In which case hunting after the pieces of the Cube of Evil could be related to our job. Oh my god! I want my face on a Pez dispenser!

Spencer:
You’ve got the attention span of a goldfish, don’t you?

Cam:
Maybe we design bandaids!

Natalie:
Or Pez dispensers!

Cam:
Didn’t I just say that?

Natalie:
Nope, I don’t think so.

Kathleen:
Oh! Oh! I want my face on a Pez dispenser!

Johnny Depp:
Enough! Come on you two, we’re going to find a cube piece. And you [glares at Kathleen] Try not to get distracted by anything shiny, okay? [He stalks off angrily.]

Kathleen:
Man, he is way less fun than I imagined him to be.

Spencer:
Maybe if you imagine him funner.

Natalie:
More fun.

Spencer:
What?

Natalie:
You said "funner". That isn’t a word. "More fun." She needs to imagine him more fun.

Spencer:
Hey, grammar Nazi, isn’t there some verbal genocide you need to commit elsewhere?

Cam:
All right, moving on. Alex, there are walkie-talkies in the Swirly Vortex. Let us know if you find anything.

[The heroes separate and the camera follows Alex, Natalie, and Johnny Depp down a crowded street that looks a bit like New York City. ‘Then The Morning Comes’ by Smashmouth begins to play.]

Natalie:
Groovy, man.

Alex:
Hey, look up there! It’s a man with spider-like attributes!

Natalie:
Oh, here. I’ll settle this. [Her hand disappears into the Swirly Vortex just as Spider Man comes swinging down from a building. As he lands in front of her she pulls a can of RAID out of the Swirly Vortex and sprays him in the face.]

Spider Man:
Ow! Ow! Jesus christ! What the hell lady?

Natalie:
You’re lucky my friend pointed out your ‘spider attributes’ or that would have been pepper spray!

Spider Man:
I was just swinging-

Alex:
In her bubble!

Natalie:
Yeah, in my bubble! I have the right to my personal space!

Spider Man:
[Pointing to Johnny Depp] He’s like half a foot from you!

Natalie:
Yes, but he isn’t a lame super hero. [To Johnny Depp] Right?

Johnny Depp:
Right.

Natalie:
There you have it. Not a super hero. He’s allowed in the bubble if he wants.

Johnny Depp:
Not that I want to change the subject seeing as how the topic of Natalie’s bubble is absolutely fascinating but you haven’t seen a Rubix Cube piece around here anywhere, have you?

Spider Man:
I can’t see anything because the bitch sprayed RAID in my eyes!

Alex:
Oh, just walk it off.

Spider Man:
Jesus christ! [He does his little Spider Man wrist web thing and swings away]

Alex:
I guess that’s a no. Hey, let’s try the Natural Museum of Cube History.

Natalie:
Why, what a convenient placement!

Johnny Depp:
Deus Ex Machina, anyone?

Alex:
Oh hush, the sooner we find that cube the sooner you can go home... Hey! Hey Johnny, wait up!
[Scene shifts back to Kathleen and Cam who are now sitting in a classroom surrounded by young adults of all ages. At the front of the class is Professor Xavier, bustin’ some wheelies on his chair.]
Professor Xavier:
Listen you two, we can sit here all day until you show us your powers...

Cam:
We keep telling you, we don’t have any!

Kathleen:
Well, I can tie a cherry stem into a knot in my mouth!

Professor Xavier:
Yes, you’ve already told us and demonstrated several times. That doesn’t count. Now you, the one shaped like a vegetable.
[Kathleen and Cam exchange looks]

Kathleen:
Don’t look at me, your heads the one that looks like a pumpkin.
[Cam sighs and stands up.]

Professor Xavier:
Now, I’m going to get Storm here to hurl some lightning at you. Just for arguments sake, she can do it whether Marvel says so or not. Now I want you to use your power and protect yourself.

Cam:
But I don’t have any power! She’ll fry me like a retarded Texas inmate!

Kathleen:
Wait, Cammy. I have a plan. You were always great at dodgeball...

Cam:
Ah yes, without saying anything else I can completely see what you’re getting at. No need to elaborate, I have complete control of the situation now.

[Storm saunters up to the front of the room and does that weird thing with her eyes. A minute later a bolt of lightning is flying towards Cam. He jumps behind Rogue, who promptly gets fried to a crisp.]

Professor Xavier:
Why, that’s amazing!

Kathleen:
Wait, wha?

Professor Xavier:
Not only does he turn invisible, he can adapt to the shape of other students and use them as decoys to absorb the damage he might have sustained! This Rogue copy is quite amazing, really.

Cam:
Erm... [He stays crouched behind a desk and begins to pick pieces of Rogue off of him.]

Professor Xavier:
Now, you!

Kathleen:
Ga!

Professor Xavier:
What’s your power?

Kathleen:
Erm, well...

Professor Xavier:
Speak up, child! No one can hear you.

Kathleen:
I’m pretty sarcastic, does that count?

Professor Xavier:
[Scoffing] Yeah sure, in DC Universe. Here we demand real powers. Now hop to it! Wolverine!

Kathleen:
Ah shitty.

Professor Xavier:
Wolverine here is going to attack you until you either show an effective offensive power or bleed to death, whichever comes first.

Kathleen:
[Whispering to Cam] Want to lend me some of your invisibility skills?

Cam:
No, I think I’m good.
[Kathleen begins to back up, looking nervous, as Wolverine begins to approach her menacingly. Her hand disappears in midair as she fondles the Swirly Vortex for anything that might be useful. We can hear Stephen Colbert’s disembodied voice complaining as she goes. Suddenly she find something! Hurrah! She pulls out a whistle and blows very hard. No sound comes out, however Wolverine is on the ground whining like a little girl.]

Kathleen:
Bad. Ass.

Professor Xavier:
A dog whistle? Dammit, his one weakness! Well, that and extreme weather changes. We can’t keep him and Storm in the same room together. Anyways, unfortunately that whistle doesn’t count as a power...

Kathleen:
Wait, wait, I do have something. [With some hesitation she manages to use some of her kick boxing skills on Wolverine just as he stumbles back to his feet. It’s not exactly damaging, although it does knock him backwards into Storm, who sort of gets all electricy and suddenly zaps him and... well, basically they’re both fried. It’s an interesting visual and a comical chain of events.]

Professor Xavier:
[Aghast] You do realize you just killed two of my star people, right?

Kathleen:
Well I wouldn’t have had to lose my temper like that if you’d just listened to us in the first place!

Cam:
[Gets up and dusts himself off] Yeah!

Professor Xavier:
Oh my goodness, you’re still here! I thought you had escaped?
[Kathleen and Cam roll their eyes]

Professor Xavier:
Anyways, obviously you two are prize mutants. You should both be very proud of yourselves. Go on and do great things, just... stay away from Magneto.

Cam:
[To Kathleen] Maybe we can stick him to your back!

Kathleen:
Shut up! I’ve told you before, we’re not sticking magnets to my back!

Professor Xavier:
Ninja skills and magnetic? My god, if you don’t learn to control your powers you could become an evil mutant!

Kathleen:
Yeaah... I wouldn’t be too concerned about that actually. What with me having uh... um...

Cam:
Ninja morals?

Kathleen:
Exactly, ninja morals. If I became evil I’d have to commit ritual seppuku.

Cam:
But-

Kathleen:
Sh! I think he’s falling for it! So, Professor, you haven’t seen any Rubix Cube pieces around here lately?

Professor Xavier:
None, although there is that new presentation at the Natural Museum of Cube History. That might have what you’re looking for.

Cam:
[Unimpressed] You think?

[Scene switches to Spencer who is sitting on a park bench looking lonely. Suddenly something above catches his attention. Kelti drops out of the sky onto the bench beside him and shakes her head.]

Kelti:
Incase anyone asks... Faster than a speeding bullet isn’t always a good thing.

Spencer:
How’d... oh.

[Superman lands suddenly before them, looking quite pleased with himself.]

Superman:
Yeeeeah, how’d you like them apples, huh babe?

Kelti:
What did I tell you about calling me ‘Babe’?

Superman:
[Suddenly meek] Yes ma’am, sorry ma’am.

Kelti:
Anyways, Clark Kent here took me all through the city. We couldn’t find any sign of Edjuardo or the cube piece. He even used his X-ray vision...

Superman:
[Cocky] Did I ever! [Glare from Kelti] Sorry.

Spencer:
Well, that’s not right. The Evil Betty wouldn’t just send us to a world and leave Edjuardo behind. He has to be around here somewhere.

Kelti:
To be fair, this is a very big city, what with it being a combination of Gotham and New York, and wherever the hell Superman comes from. Metropolis or something like that, can’t remember, don’t care. These places are very multicultural, did you know Gotham has a roving Hispanic Drug Cartel? So, I mean, Edjuardo could easily hide there.

Spencer:
Are you saying they all look alike?

Kelti:
No! Although now that you’ve brought it up...

Superman:
Drug cartel? Is it related to Lex-Corp at all?

Kelti:
....[Thinking] ...I’m going to say yes.

Superman:
Well that just tears it, and here I thought I had gotten rid of Lex Luthor once and for all! [Pounds fist] Damn him and his reflective head!

Spencer:
What?

Superman:
Oh, well the last time I stopped his evil plot he had gone green and was using the glare off of his own forehead to create a laser to blast out the sun. All in all it was very healthy for the environment, you know, assuming you wanted it dead.

Spencer:
Right, well, maybe you should go see what Lex is up to. No good I bet, right, Kel. Kel? [He turns to find Kelti lighting up a possible after-sex cigarette. Not that she smokes, it just is leading up to this pun.]

Kelti:
Well one out of the two things has to go slow!

Spencer:
Right, maybe we should get going again, see what we can find? Like, hey wait a minute, isn’t that V?

Kelti:
Oh, where?

Spencer:
Right there.

Kelti:
No, that’s just some random dude in a Guy Fawkes mask.

Spencer:
How can you tell?

Kelti:
V holds himself in high regard. Plus, for the sake of clarity I doubt he’d be considered a super hero.

Spencer:
And Mr. Faster-Than-A-Speeding-Bullet here is?

Kelti:
Superman is legendary. Haven’t you ever taken part in a Superman vs. Batman debate before?

Superman:
Oh, oh! I have! Wayne and I meet every other Friday on the roof of the museum to battle it out!

Kelti:
And who’s won?

Superman:
Well, neither of us actually. It’s this ongoing sort of thing. We got pretty tired last time and decided instead of calling it a tie we’d just make it an ongoing battle, you know, sneaking up on the other one, trying to break his neck.

Spencer:
Nothing like a friendly competition.

Superman:
Yeah, except Wayne’s been taking it too far. He got me a subscription to Kryptonite Weekly, I can’t even go into my apartment now.

Kelti:
Hold on, Bruce Wayne was just a kid when we ran into him in the alley! That was just a couple hours ago!

Spencer:
Maybe there’s something funky with the time/space continuum.

Kelti:
Or maybe the rules of the real world don’t apply here in an alternate dimension.

Spencer:
Why are you talking like that?

Kelti:
I don’t know, it just seemed like the obvious answer. I never claimed to be good at sarcasm, y’know. Now come on, let’s find us a cube piece.

Superman:
Do you want me to fly you anywhere?

Spencer:
[Hastily] Uh, uh no thanks, we’re good really.

Kelti:
Yeah, you just save up all that energy for battling Batman. [To Spencer as the walk away] Think he stands a chance?

Spencer:
No way in hell. It’s Batman, dude. Batman.

[The scene shifts to an elegant party thing going on at The Natural Museum of Cube History. It’s some sort of charity event, they always have those in super hero movies right? Just before something goes really wrong. Right, okay. So all our heroes are there, dressed to the nines, standing around a large rotating mega cube. ‘Just Dance’ By Lady Gaga is busting out from a speaker. Wow, this play is so modern and hip!]

Johnny Depp:
[To Kathleen] So, do you think the giant rotating cube has anything to do with the Cube of Evil?

Kathleen:
Hm? I’m sorry were you talking to me? I couldn’t hear over all the pretentious that was radiating off of you.

Johnny Depp:
[Aggravated sigh] Listen, I’m sorry, okay? It’s a lot of pressure to be under, get cubes or lose your home, that sort of stuff. You’ve got to admit, it’s sort of weird.

Kathleen:
...Meh.

Johnny Depp:
Meh? You mean this shit happens to you often?

Kathleen:
I’m pretty sure we already covered this banter before.

Johnny Depp:
Oh, right.

Kathleen:
Listen, maybe you could just take it with a grain of salt, yeah? See it for the bizarre, comical scenario for what it is, learn to laugh a bit at life’s misfortunes, that sort of thing? [Muttering] Not to mention not suing me...

Johnny Depp:
[Lights up a cigar] Yeah, okay.

Alex:
[Approaches] So apparently this big soiree is being hosted by Mr. Bruce Wayne.

Kathleen:
Urgh, that douche bag? Aw man, I wonder if he remembers me.

Kelti:
Judging by the way he’s glaring at you from across the room, I’d say yes.
[Kathleen proceeds to hide herself behind a martini glass rather unsuccessfully.]

Cam:
So what’s with the giant rotating cube anyways?

Natalie:
I don’t know, but it looks like it has strobe lights installed on it.

Professor Xavier:
[Coming out of nowhere]
Oh, those are lasers.

Kathleen:
Ga!

Professor Xavier:
Ga? What? Nevermind. This is an ancient artifact, the Cube of Ramses II, unearthed from beneath one of the pyramids, I can’t remember which one. Anyways, according to the legend, Ramses’ workers uncovered the cube while preparing a burial chamber for royal barber. Before they could completely unearth it the lasers on it struck out, killing everyone in the area. Eventually they manufactured a containment system using an excessively large piece of pyrite, native to British Columbia, and were able to control the powers to the laser. [Nervous chuckle] Boy, if something happened to that giant chunk of pyrite we’d all be screwed.

Natalie:
Wait, Ramses II, lasers, a royal barber, and pyrite from BC? I gotta say, Professor, something just isn’t adding up.

Alex:
I’ll say, it seems as if this world might have an actual plot.

Cam:
Shh! Don’t speak of what we do not understand!

Professor Xavier:
Ah, young Cameron, I didn’t see you there. Experimenting with your powers again? Very good, very good indeed. Unlike your counterpart [he glares at Kathleen] who is clearly a lost cause.

Spencer:
We’ve been saying that for a while now.

Kathleen:
Hey!

[The lights dim and suddenly an amplified Bruce Wayne begins speaking.]

Bruce Wayne:
Friends, guests, welcome to my Generic Super Hero World Charity Fundraiser for Sick Children and People with Glaucoma! Let me extend a special thank you to Professor Iswer Umnotivil for lending us this venue. [Scattered applause.] Professor Umnotivil couldn’t make it tonight, citing he’d rather be anywhere but here tonight, whatever that means. Now, without further ado, please enjoy the live entertainment, American Idols David Cook!

[David Cook is on stage, no one looks impressed. He begins to play ‘Declaration’ but really, who gives a shit?]

Cam:
I’m beginning to think coming here was pretty pointless. I mean, it’s like one giant cube orgy. Somehow I think if there was an evil one amongst all the [listless gesticulation] Batman would have noticed.

Kathleen:
True, but don’t you think this is the sort of place the pool boy would show up at?

Alex:
What are you getting at?

Kathleen:
Well, finding the cube in this world is obviously going to be a challenge, and we aren’t exactly a huge group of people, certainly not enough to split up to search the whole city. If we can find Edjuardo we can get him to lead us to the cube and then just snatch it up before he has the chance.

Johnny Depp:
And what makes you think that will work?

Kathleen:
Leaders intuition. [Glares at Spencer] Who’s a lost cause now, huh?
[Suddenly the lights go out! There is screaming, gun fire, oh no! Everyone hits the deck!]

The Punisher:
No body move! I’m very, very angry right now, and very, very trigger happy. It only takes one- [Someone coughs, this is followed by a blast of gunfire.] There, there see? What did I just tell you? All right, you’re good to go, Penguin.

[We hear the waddle of feet, suddenly a bunch of flashlights are all flickering around and we see a real Penguin, obviously an homage to Danny Devito in whatever Batman movie that was, except this is a real penguin, and he’s adorable!]

Everyone:
Awww! [The penguin glares, everyone shuts up.]

Natalie:
Oh woe is us! Where is Batman when we need him?

Superman:
Oh, oh shit I actually just killed him. Sorry about that.

Kelti:
God dammit, Clark Kent, you can’t get anything right!

The Punisher:
Shut up! All of you stay down or so help me god [But Superman is on his feet about to start arguing with Kelti, soooo he gets gunned down too.]

Alex:
Wow, they are just dropping like flies.

The Punisher:
Is that it then? Any other super heroes out there? What about Spiderman?

Professor Xavier:
Oh, he died of poisoning a few hours ago, something about a can of RAID.

Natalie:
[Nervous laughter] Who on earth could be responsible for that?

The Punisher:
And the rest of the mutants?

Professor Xavier:
On vacation, I’m the only one here actually. [In a sing-song voice] And I know your dirty little secret!

[Of course this taunt gets the professor gunned down as well, so as far as we know there are no super heroes left to save the innocent people. Oh no! At this point I should mention that I am struggling very hard to think of a villain that isn’t the Joker so all the puns won’t be considered bad taste. Really hard, folks.]

Cat Woman:
Puuurfect.

Kathleen:
Bitch.

Cat Woman:
Punisher, you clear a path, Poison Ivy, watch these losers and Lex? Get your helicopter over us. We have to time this puuuurfectly.

Alex:
How many times do you think we’ll have to hear that pun?

Kelti:
Once more and I’m getting me a new fur coat.

[Our hapless heroes watch helplessly (Ho ho!) As the villains strut around, opening up a skylight conveniently placed over top of the Cube of Ramses II, lowering a large cable and hooking it around the large chunk of pyrite which the cube is balanced on.]

Spencer:
Wait a minute! If you take that away, for some inexplicable reason lasers with blast forth and kill all of us!

Cat Woman:
And that’s supposed to bother me?

Spencer:
Yeah! Well, I don’t know, maybe.

Poison Ivy:
Trust me, sweetheart, we’re really okay with it.
[So as predicted the cable is attacked to the helicopter, the villains hook themselves on to it and prepare to leave.]

Cat Woman:
I really should have some puuuurfectly good exiting line but quite frankly I think it would be below me seeing as how I’m about to inadvertently kill all of you. Have a nice life!
[The helicopter drags the cable and pyrite upwards into the night sky. Half a second later there are random bursts of light shooting out from the cube. Seeing as how there isn’t much to see in the total darkness, saying that the scene fades to black is sort of redundant.]

Narrator:
Five hours later, I still have a purpose in life.

[Our heroes are waking up, finding themselves still dressed to the nines, now laying amongst a bunch of fried corpses. For some convenient reason they are the only ones who did not perish when the lasers on the cube began to freak out. Incidently, the cube now lays lifeless on the ground, looking like nothing more than a UPS box.]

Kelti:
Ow my head, what happened?

Natalie:
Eww, there are bodies everywhere! Crunchy bodies!

Kathleen:
This doesn’t make any sense, how is it we survived but everyone else was cremated?

Johnny Depp:
Maybe it’s got something to do with the cube pieces we have.

Kathleen:
[Gapes] That’s the first ‘getting into it’ thing you’ve said! It’s also the most plausible, so good job, gold star for you.

Natalie:
[Jumping to her feet] I want a gold star! [She glares and suddenly, quite unexpectedly, knives shoot from her eyes.]

Cam:
[Dodging aside] Holy crap, Natalie! What the hell was that?

Natalie:
I-I don’t know! Oh my god! I’m like that mutant from X-Men who shoots lasers from his eyes!

Kathleen:
Yeah, except you aren’t shooting a constant stream of knives... Knives! What the hell, woman? When were you able to shoot knives from your eyes? What sort of bizarre, misinterpreted Dr. McNinja reference is this?!

Natalie:
I don’t want to be able to do a knife-eye attack! How does it even work?

Alex:
Shouldn’t you be focussing more on the ‘why’ of the situation?

Natalie:
I don’t know!! I’m freaking out too much!

Spencer:
Hold on, everyone just calm down. I think I have a reasonable explanation for this. [Unimpressed look from the rest of the group.] Okay, okay, I think I have an explanation for this. Natalie, you couldn’t shoot knives from your eyes before that giant laser light show, right?

Natalie:
Not that I was aware of... Granted I haven’t seen my twin lately...

Spencer:
Those lasers deflecting off of our cube shield must have infected us with super hero powers! Plus, all the major super heroes are dead and there has to be a proper balance of good and evil so we’re probably a convenient replacement.

Alex:
Are you saying we all have super powers?

Spencer:
Maybe.

Natalie:
[Still freaking out] What sort of super power is firing knives from my eyes?!

Kathleen:
Look on the bright side, you could have some badass super hero name like... Dead Sight. And then when you’re battling villains they can be all, "Why do they call you Dead Sight?" and you can be all "Because of this." And bam, knife right in the jugular.

Kelti:
Hey, where’d Cam go?

Cam:
I’m down here!
[Everyone looks down to see a very, very tiny Cam standing where the very, very normal sized Cam was standing a few seconds ago.]

Cam:
[In a squeaky voice] I think, I think my powers might have something to do with size control.
[There is a very long, awkward pause while Kathleen, Natalie, and Kelti exchange smirks and do their very best not to comment. Cam, seeing this, glares and gives them the finger, although they can’t really tell.]

Cam:
You guys are sick. Anyways, I’m short, and look, now I’m [He grows suddenly] regular sized.

Spencer:
Can you get any taller?

Cam:
[Shamefully] No.

Kathleen:
So basically your power is shrinking to a perfectly miniature size where you run the risk of being crushed?

Cam:
Yes, okay, it’s lame. But, you know, I could get out a sliver from your hand or get that ring that fell down the drain.

Alex:
Like George Shrinks only less entertaining.

Cam:
Something like that.

Kathleen:
All in favour of calling Cam The Great Shrinker say ‘aye’.

Everyone:
Aye.

Cam:
I hate you.

Alex:
[As she bends down to pick up her glasses that have fallen on the floor.] So we’ve got Dead Sight and The Great Shrinkage.. Sorry, I meant Shrinker. All in all I’d say we’re the lamest group of super heroes eve-[her jaw drops as she stares around at everyone.]

Kelti:
What, what is it?

Alex:
Erm [She turns bright red and glances away.] I think I might have x-ray vision when I wear my glasses.

Spencer:
Well, what’s so bad about... oh.

Johnny Depp:
Ack! [Nervously attempts to cover himself up] Don’t look!

Natalie:
No fair! Why can’t I have x-ray vision? I want to see naughty bits! [A big ol’ tear wells up in her eye and then falls down... as a knife.] God dammit!

Kelti:
I’m with Nat, you aren’t exactly a raging sexual machine. I don’t think you can properly appreciate the gift you have.

Natalie:
And what a gift it is! Yes indeed, I’d give anything to be Gamma Ray Girl.

Kelti:
Oh this just burns me! I mean this really ticks me off! I am so pissed off right now!

Kathleen:
Uh... oh.

Cam:
[Shrinking suddenly and speaking in his squeaky voice] Run away!!
[There is suddenly this brilliant flash of light around Kelti. She disappears in a white glow and appears a moment later, looking quite normal.]

Johnny Depp:
Well that was anticlimactic.

Kelti:
Shut up! [However it is spoken with such an intense high-pitched squeal that Kelti creates a gust of wind that blows over Johnny Depp. She clamps her hand over her mouth, then opens it again and tries to speak. Once more at best there is an eardrum shattering wail and a gust of wind.]

Cam:
Oh my god, Long-Winded Woman! [The very tiny Cameron is sent sailing through the air by a new screech and gust of wind, slamming into the cube.]

Kathleen:
Listen Kel, I think you have to calm down if you want communicate again without acting like a harpy that’s swallowed a wind machine. Takes some deep breaths, okay? [Kelti nods vigorously and takes a calming yoga pose.]

Spencer:
That leaves Kathleen, Johnny Depp, and myself. I wonder what our powers are?

Johnny Depp:
I don’t know. [He takes one step forward and suddenly becomes a blur while everything around him slows down to a crawl. It is clear he has been gifted the power of speed, however a moment later he is flat on his face.]

Alex:
What happened to you? [Remembering her power, she adverts her eyes quickly.]

Johnny Depp:
I don’t know, I’m not normally this clumsy. [He gets up, begins to run once more, then trips again.]

Cam:
I’m beginning to think that these powers are either lame or come with some fine print. [Kelti screeches a reply] Yes, Kelti, we probably should have read the writing on Ramses II’s cube before letting ourselves get shot with magical lasers but there isn’t anything we can do about that now, is there?

Kathleen:
Okay Spencer, let’s see what you’ve got.
[Spencer paces back and forth for a moment, considering what his powers might be. An instant later he is sinking through the floor and out of sight. Everyone makes a dive for him, grabs him by the hair and drags him upwards.]

Spencer:
Ow, ow! What the hell was that?

Natalie:
You can walk through things!

Spencer:
Well, duh. [She shoots daggers at him, literally, which conveniently go straight through him.] I meant why did I start to sink into the floor?

Cam:
Obviously you can’t control what you can go through, you might very well be able to walk straight through to China from here. [Kelti screeches something.] Yes I know this city isn’t on our Earth, it’s just something people say. You know, tunnelling to China, to Australia, that sort of thing?

Spencer:
But I’m sitting here now!

Johnny Depp:
Sure, because we’re holding onto you, but what would happen if we all let go. [They exchange wicked glances and release their hold on Spencer all at once. As predicted, he begins to sink through the floor once again.]

Kathleen:
So I guess one of us needs to be holding onto you at all times or else you’ll go straight through.

Spencer:
Good to know.

Alex:
I think- oh god [She adverts her eyes again.] I think we uh... should probably get going now. [Kelti screeches] Because if I take them off I can’t see.

Johnny Depp:
Wait, wait, wait, Kathleen doesn’t know her power yet.

Natalie:
Good point. What do you say, Kat? Got any powers surging through your veins?

Kathleen:
Sure doesn’t feel like it. Aw man, maybe I’m the one person who didn’t get powers.

Cam:
[Awkwardly trying to comfort her from his very small place on the floor] It’s okay, most super hero leaders are either lame or get toasted in the end anyways. Don’t feel bad.

Kathleen:
[Dramatic sigh] I guess you’re right. [She stands up, but as she does the ground sags beneath her feet.]

Johnny Depp:
Woa, put on a few pounds last night?

Kathleen:
What? No! What are you [she looks at her feet] Hey hey, I think I know what my power is. [Without warning she kicks down the giant podium that elevated Ramses II’s cube. It crumbles beneath her awesome and amazing strength.] Bad. Ass.
[Kelti screeches something else, looking most angry now.]

Cam:
I agree with her, there’s got to be some catch, we’ve all got semi-lame gifts. There’s got to be something up with yours. [Even as he speaks Kathleen sits down on the ground and begins to sob uncontrollably.]

Natalie:
Woa, calm down there, Captain Steel Toe. What’s with the water works?

Kathleen:
[Choking back sobs] That p-poor p-post! What did it e-ever to meeeee? Why am I cursed so?!

Spencer:
Is she... empathizing with an inanimate object?
[The team shares a knowing look]

Everyone:
Aaah...

Kathleen:
[Hugging the ground] I’m so s-sorry floor! I never meant to hurt you!

Spencer:
Hey guys, sinking here!

Natalie:
Well seeing as how our leader is an uncontrollable mess I think we ought to get out of here.

Kathleen:
Nope, I’m good. All right, let’s hit the streets under the guises of our new personas!

Alex:
Gamma Ray Girl!

Cam:
The Great Shrinker!

Natalie:
Dead Sight!

Kelti:
[Shrieks something that might be construed as ‘Long-winded Woman’]

Spencer:
Melting Man!

Johnny Depp:
Accident-prone Flash Man!

Kathleen:
Captain Steel Toe!
[‘Heroes’ by David Cook starts playing. The team turns to see Cook still playing faithfully on the stage... right up until Natalie ends his life with one killer glance.]

Natalie:
[Uncaring] Whoops.

[Our heroes emerge from the debris of the museum as a wind machine blows on them from behind. Alex has Spencer by the arm, Cam is sitting on Natalie’s shoulder, Johnny Depp keeps disappearing and reappearing a few feet ahead having still not found his feet beneath him and every so often Kathleen begins to sob quietly to herself. Still, it’s very triumphant. ‘Battlesong’ by Gorillaz starts to play, but only the first part measure or so because that has a nice ‘Heroes approaching’ feel to it.]

[The scene fades out and opens again suddenly to a man sitting in his mansion, reading a newspaper that announces the arrival of several new super heroes in Gothampolork, which is apparently the name of the city they all reside in. Whatever. The door bell rings, and he answers it. Suddenly his is punched out by Kathleen.]

Kathleen:
I’m so sorry!

Man:
What the hell was that for?

Johnny Depp:
You the Doc who owns the Natural Museum of Cube History?

Man:
Yes, I’m Doctor Iswer Umnotivil.

Alex:
Wait, say that again?

Doctor Iswer:
Erm, Iswer Umnotivil?

Natalie:
Say it slowly. And really enunciate while you’re at it.

Doctor Iswer:
I-swear I’m-Not-Evil.

Alex:
Yes, that’s what I thought you said. Okay, tell me Doctor, if you really are one, where is the cube piece?

Cam:
[Hopping from shoulder to shoulder to land on Alex.] I don’t think we’re questioning his credentials as a Doctor, Alex. Besides, shouldn’t we be more focussed on why those villains wanted that wad of pyrite?

Alex:
Yeah! That too!
[Kelti screeches something, apparently no longer able to actually speak. She looks pained and pops a fisherman’s friend.]

Doctor Iswer:
What did she say?

Alex:
She says she thinks it’s awfully strange you’re just sitting at home the day after your museum was trashed by Poison Ivy, Cat Woman, the Punisher, and a Penguin, especially with all the carnage that followed. She also said she thinks it’s strange that you weren’t present at the event last night. Also, she doesn’t like your shoes. [It is very clear Kelti did not screech enough to get out all those points, and Alex probably just made up the shoe one.]

Doctor Iswer:
Erm, well, I had a head cold. I say, my dear, I do wish you wouldn’t look at me like that, it looks like you’re throwing me daggers.

Natalie:
That would be the general idea.

Johnny Depp:
Listen, man. We know you had something to do with it so just confess-

Doctor Iswer:
Holy crap! You’re Johnny Depp! I loved you in Secret Window!

Kathleen:
Not your best work in my opinion.

Johnny Depp:
Gee, thanks. Okay Doc, we need to know where to find a cube piece, specifically an evil one, any idea?

Natalie:
But what about the charity?

Johnny Depp:
Oh pshaw, it has nothing to do with us. Besides, someone else will solve the crime of the missing pyrite. Probably get a movie on Lifetime for it, it will star Bill Pullman and it will have a happy ending, dammit! Now tell us where to find the cube?! [The good Doctor says nothing. Johnny Depp is quite fed up.]

Johnny Depp:
I am quite fed up!

Kathleen:
Let’s split up and raid his house, sorry, sorry, but we’ve got to find the cube piece before Edjuardo. Cam, you stay here and watch the Doctor. [Cam gives her an ‘Are you serious?’ look] Okay, then check the bathroom or something, and Kelti can watch the Doctor. Just... scream if he moves.

[Kelti salutes and everyone stalks off in separate directions. Natalie and Alex enter the basement and find, much to their surprise...]

Natalie:
Great galloping gobs of goose feathers! It’s Robin!

Alex:
And Wonderwoman. And... [She squints, blushes and turns away and says quietly] Wonderman actually.
Natalie:
Really? You’d think her tights would sort of... compact things down. I guess that would account for his girlish voice.

Alex:
Can you focus your eyes and cut their ropes?

Natalie:
Yes, but I can’t promise no bloodshed., [She squints, knives fly from her eyes. We hear Wonderman/woman scream in agony.] Told ya so.

Alex:
So Robin, why’d Iswer Umnotivil tie you up?

Robin:
Erm, he’s evil. Duh. Tho’ I’m surprised you made it here. Where’s Batman?

Alex:
Dead.

Robin:
What?!

Natalie:
Yeah, he was killed by Superman.

Robin:
I’ll kill him!

Natalie:
He’s dead too actually. The Punisher got to him.

Robin:
Ah, well no one fucks with the Punisher so I guess I better just leave that one alone.

Alex:
Probably. Say, if you were an evil villain, where would you hide a piece of a Rubix cube capable of destroying and or conquering the world should it fall into the wrong hands?

Robin:
Maybe... a walk in pantry?

Natalie:
And what is your non-gay response?

Robin:
The bottom of the ocean? Oh! Oh! In a nuclear submarine!

Alex:
Both those seem really unlikely to be perfectly honest.

Natalie:
No kidding. Come on, Robin, you’re free to go. We’ve got a cube to hunt down.
[Scene changes to Johnny Depp and Spencer who are busy rooting through Iswer Umnotivil’s office.]

Johnny Depp:
This guy buys a lot of his shit off of Ebay.

Spencer:
Well, some really lonely people do that, you know. It’s easier than leaving the house and trying to make awkward conversation with your neighbour who you only see every day at 8:30 and 6:15 when you get home from work who’s name you think might be ‘Stan’ when in reality it’s ‘Dan’ and you’re just waiting for the day when you get it wrong and he breaks your neck with his ninja skills.

Johnny Depp:
I wasn’t aware ninjas worked normal nine to five hours.

Spencer:
Some of them, the really dedicated ones are always on the job though.

Johnny Depp:
Look, there’s a key to a storage facility! What luck! Come on.

[Scene shifts to spooky and very questionable storage facility. Very generic, basically out of every horror movie you have ever seen, anywhere, ever. So spooky, in fact, that ‘To Nowhere’ from the .hack soundtrack begins to play, mostly because it was shamefully left out of Anime World and I need to make up for it now.]

Spencer:
Hey, where’s Johnny Depp?

Kathleen:
I don’t know, I think he ran ahead.
[Everyone glances down as they pass by Johnny flat on his face.]

Alex:
Shouldn’t we- [she quickly adverts her eyes] erm, shouldn’t we wait for him?

Kathleen:
Naw, he’ll catch up... Then fall behind, then catch up again. Okay, here we go, locker 666 B. Wow, 6-6-6, that’s probably not a good sign, right?

Cam:
[Squeaking from his spot on Natalie’s shoulder.] Sounds like a lame plot device to me. Here [he passes over the key which is bigger than his body, begging the question why he was holding on to it of all people. Kathleen takes it, the door rolls up and they find..]

Alex:
Holy hand-over-foot, Batman! It’s Robin!

Robin:
Oh good, you’re here to rescue me... again.

Natalie:
What the hell happened this time?

Robin:
I was tied up by evil guys, duh.

Natalie:
But we just left you at Umnotivil’s house like, half an hour ago!

Robin:
What can I say? I get in sticky situations. By the way, the Penguin said something. I don’t know what actually, seeing as how he’s not from around here and doesn’t speak English. Loosely translated I’d say he has your cube piece so you should probably find him.
[Kelti screeches something.]

Alex:
Wha-? No! I mean... [she squints at Robin.] Yeah, I’d say above average but we’re on a tight schedule here!

[Kelti screeches something else]

Alex:
Yes, our schedule isn’t the only thing that’s tight around here. Couldn’t you just save your pent up sexual frustration for later when we don’t have a world to save?

Kathleen:
She’s going to have to. [She slams down the door of the room, forgetting about Robin. Of course the force pretty much crushes the door.] Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry! Okay, obviously we’re going to have to split up again.

Cam:
Nothing every gets done when we split up.

Kathleen:
Nothing gets done at all, ever. At least this way we’ll be getting nothing done while doing something.

Natalie:
That doesn’t make any sense!

Kathleen:
Your stupid knife-eye attack doesn’t make any sense! Now Cam, Alex, you two go to the Gotham part of Gothampolork, Spencer, Kelti and Nat go to the Metropolis part, and I’ll wait for Johnny and we’ll check out the ...Ork part.

Natalie:
Why three of us?

Kathleen:
Well if something happens to one of you, the other one needs to be there to hold on to Spencer.

Spencer:
Excuse me? I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself!
[The team exchanges looks of uncertainty and, once again, all let go of Spencer in perfect unity. He, of course, begins to fall through the pavement again.]

Spencer:
Ah! Okay, okay! I was wrong! Pick me up! Pick me up!

[Scene changes, as does music. As the camera focuses in on Cam and Alex, we hear ‘Hitler in My Heart’ By Antony and the Johnsons begin to play because that opening piano is so utterly badass. Cam and Alex are running for their lives (Cam is normal sized at this point.) Like most super hero things, we don’t really know how they got themselves into this situation, however the fact that they’re covered in a lot of blood could be an indication of something going terribly wrong.]

Alex:
[Huff puff] This... [gasp] Sucks! We have the two most passive aggressive powers ever! How are we supposed to beat up Cat Woman?

[Ah...]

Cam:
Shit! An unfortunately placed dead-end! Quick Alex! Is she carrying any weapons?

Alex:
[Squinting] No! And those are definitely implants!

Cam:
Keep her busy! [He suddenly shrinks, which makes Alex giggle slightly before realizing that a very angry Cat Woman is now approaching her.]

Cat Woman:
Puuuurfect! I have you right where I- wait, where did your friend go?

Alex:
What? What friend?

Cat Woman:
That young, delicious looking young man that was with you a moment ago?

Alex:
Okay, ignoring what was completely wrong with that last comment, you are totally deliusional. I have no friends at all.

Cat Woman:
But-

Alex:
Nope! No friends! Nyet! I am a total loner!

Cat Woman:
[Scoffing] Loser is more like it.

Alex:
Hey!

Cat Woman:
I’m just saying, what kind of young adult doesn’t have any friends?

Alex:
Well, Kathleen for one thing.

Cat Woman:
Oh, that’s too bad.

Alex:
Yes, yes it is. Now, what were we doing?

Cat Woman:
Oh right, I was about to beat you up.

Alex:
Haha, silly me. I almost forgot. Okay [she picks up a garbage can lid and uses it as a shield while a long shovel acts as some sort of weapon. Who the hell puts those things around?] Bring it on, bitch.

Cat Woman:
Erm, no, I think I’m good.

Alex:
Ohh ho, no way. Stephen Colbert’s power point of rap battling states that a challenge has been issued and I have accepted. Now we fight!

Cat Woman:
Gee, I really like to except I’m, uh... meeting... my uh... my tax... a....dermist... Yeah, I’m getting stuffed.

Alex:
Where there goes my next insult.

Cat Woman:
So, I’ll just be going...

Alex:
Not so fast! [She hurls the shovel through the air like a spear! It strikes Cat Woman in the back and she falls down, dead. Suddenly Cam appears out of no where.]

Cam:
Wow! That was so badass of you!

Alex:
Yeah, well, I couldn’t just wait around for you to put your plan into action.

Cam:
Plan? Oh! [Getting nervous] Right, that plan, that didn’t involve me shrinking and running away, right.

Alex:
So, obviously the evil villains have gotten wind of our presence here, so we should probably keep going before someone like... [A shadow suddenly looms over them. Alex looks up.] Oh shit.

Cam:
Oh the hell are you?

Foolkiller:
I’m... Gregg Hurwitz’s Foolkiller?

Alex:
You don’t seem very certain about that.

Foolkiller:
The line between superhero and questionable comic book character has become sort of blurred.

Cam:
Right, well, you don’t want us. We’re no fools.

Foolkiller:
Oh yeah? Answer these three questions...

Narrator:
Happy Belated 20th Birthday, Alex and Cam! May this cunningly place congrats give you the courage and brains you need to solve the three puzzles!

Cam:
Wait, you’re not sticking around?

Narrator:
Oh, sorry, no.

Alex:
But-

Narrator:
Wait, can you hear that? It sounds like ‘The Ubiquitous Mr. Lovegrove’ by Deadcandance, marking a new scene change!

[Scene changes to Spencer, Kelti, and Natalie, walking down a street chatting merrily.]

Natalie:
Really?

Kelti:
[Screeeech]

Natalie:
But... speeding bullet!

Kelti:
[Screeeech]

Spencer:
Can you two keep your disturbing sexual revelations to yourselves?

Kelti:
[After glaring at him for a moment.] [Screeeech]

Natalie:
Hold that great topic for a second! Look! It’s The Punisher and Poison Ivy!

Spencer:
After them! [He realizes only moments later how idiotic that sounds seeing as it’s the freaking Punisher, man. No one wants to chase that dude down, but by the time they get to them it’s too late and they’ve pretty much guaranteed that they’re going to be engaging in a battle.]

Natalie:
Where the hell is the Penguin?

The Punisher:
What’s it to you?

Natalie:
[Eyes narrowing] Your momma.

The Punisher:
Oh no you di’in’t!

Poison Ivy:
Wait, what?

Spencer:
Listen, I get that maybe you’ve become sort of twisted by this whole punishing evil thing, maybe you don’t realize that you’re actually working for the bad guys.

The Punisher:
Pfft, yeah right.

Spencer:
No seriously. Your boss, the Penguin? Yeah, he’s working for this woman called The Evil Betty, who’s trying to collect the 27 pieces of the Cube of Evil so she can conquer the world. I guess somehow the Penguin- Throw me now!

[Cue ‘Battle in the Forgotten City’ By Nobuo Uematsu from the FFVII: AC OST. Natalie and Kelti throw Spencer onto Poison Ivy, knocking her over to the ground where he proceeds to drag her below the surface of the earth. Natalie is quick to pull him back up by the hair before he disappears for good. Meanwhile The Punisher gets really pissed off and pulls out some big ol’ gun. An uzi maybe? I don’t know, are those big? Kelti opens her mouth and blows him backwards (wow, it only just occurred to me the sort of dirty jokes that could be made with her power.) He hits a nearby brick wall and falls to the ground.]

Spencer:
Natalie! Hit him with your twisted Dr. McNinja reference attack!

Natalie:
Got it! [She narrows her eyes, suddenly knives fly forth!]

The Punisher:
Ga! Everything I see is knives! Oh shit, noo! [Knives hit him, he dies.]

Spencer:
We won! High five! Anyone? Oh come on guys, don’t leave me hanging. [Natalie lets go of him.] Oh ha ha very funny.

Kelti:
[Screeeech]

Natalie:
Hey yeah! There’s a trail of penguin down! Let’s follow it towards the ‘ork’ part of Gothamopolork!

[Scene changes, ‘Underground’ by Tom Waits starts to play. We see Kathleen and Johnny Depp creeping along in a sort of cunning fashion. Trust me, if you listen to the song right now you’ll know what I mean.]

Kathleen:
[With the beat] Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Johnny Depp:
You’ve really got to stop - [He falls flat on his face.]

Kathleen:
Ha! Now that is funny!

Johnny Depp:
Shut up!

Kathleen:
Wait, hold that thought.

Johnny Depp:
What thought? All I wanted you to do was shut up!

Kathleen:
What did I tell you about playing along? Now look! A suspicious warehouse! That’s got to be what we’re looking for.

Johnny Depp:
I’m looking for a way to shut you u- [He falls over again]

Kathleen:
[Sighing, she offers him her hand.] Come on, let’s just get over there.

[They approach the warehouse, only to find that the door is locked, of course.]

Johnny Depp:
Now what?

Kathleen:
Wait, wait. [She punches the door open.] God, I am so, so sorry!

Johnny Depp:
Seriously, you’ve got to learn to deal with that problem.

Kathleen:
It’s not my fault!

[They enter the warehouse and sneak around a bit before coming across a large stereotypical area where there is a big old pile of money and a penguin and Edjuardo.]

Kathleen:
Shit! Edjuardo is already here! What do we do?

Johnny Depp:
He’s paying off the Penguin for the Cube Piece!

Kathleen:
We can’t let him touch it or else the world will be over!

Johnny Depp:
No shit, Sherlock? Come on! Hey! You there! Penguin and Pool Boy! Put down that Piece!

Kathleen:
Nice alliteration, Johnny.

Johnny Depp:
Yeah, thanks.

Edjuardo:
Blast! How did you find us?

Kathleen:
With... [dramatic pause] the magic of the cinema! Also, there was this big neon sign over the warehouse!

Edjuardo:
See? See? What did I tell you about paying the power bills?

Kathleen:
Homygawd, lookit the Penguin, Johnny! [Squeal] Oh my god, he is soooo cute! [Before the Penguin knows what is happening, Kathleen has scooped him into her arms.] You are soooo adorable!

Edjuardo:
Hey! What about my cube piece?

Johnny Depp:
About that. [He runs into the pile of money, sending it flying in all directions. When the cloud of... money, I guess, finally falls, we see Johnny Depp sitting on his ass, looking humiliated at having fallen once again and yet, slightly proud of himself.]

Kathleen:
Hooomygawd, goochygoochygoo, eee!
[Suddenly the door to the warehouse opens to reveal the rest of the team!]

Natalie:
Have no fear, the rest of the team is here!

Kathleen:
You guys! Lookit the cute Penguin! I thought he was weird that night of the ball but he is uber adorable! I’m going to call you ‘Snoogums’!

Spencer;
Hey!

Kathleen:
What, what? You were clearly a ‘Snookums’ in Anime World. This Penguin is clearly a ‘Snoogums.’ Homygawd he’s so cute! [She throws him into the Swirly Vortex] Okay, where were we?

Edjuardo:
I want my cube piece! I paid for it!

Alex:
Ah, but Kathleen tastefully got rid of the buyer by throwing him inout our Swirly Vortex while the cube was still on his person, making the cube ours, thus, we are the winners!

Natalie:
Yeah! [Daggers fly at Edjuardo] Whoopsie!

Cam:
[Still tiny] So, if we got the cube does that mean our powers will... [he begins to grow, and as he does his voice deepens. Ha ha!] Awesome.

Natalie:
But... I was getting used to crying tears of painful knives!

Johnny Depp:
And I was adjusting to my clutzy ways!

Alex:
Not me, I’m good not being able to have x-ray vision.

Kelti:
[Begins to screech but as she does her voice returns]... Which is why faster than a speeding bullet isn’t really that good.

[Everyone stares at her]

Kelti:
Yeah, that’s right! I knew you guys couldn’t understand what I was saying! I’ve been making dirty innuendos for the last four hours and none of you knew it!

Natalie:
I sort of had an idea, but we’re very similar in that regard.

Spencer:
Okay, okay, Alex... Let me go. [She does, and of course he doesn’t sink through the floor!] Woohoo!

Kathleen:
Now you’ll never know what the earth’s core really looks like.

Spencer:
Aww.

Kelti:
And what about you, Kathleen? Do you still have uber strength with a side order of empathy?

Kathleen:
Let’s find out. [She punches the nearest wall with her fist, leaving a huge dent, then sits down and begins to cry.]

Johnny Depp:
What? You still feel sorry for the wall?

Kathleen:
No, you idiot! That really, really hurt!

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Well, I can’t say I’m exactly pleased by this outcome but I’m certainly not going to... Kat, stop crying, I’m certainly not going to deny the fact that you did get the cube piece before Edjuardo fair and square. Okay, next world, let me think... Dammit, Shatner! Stop doing that! Wait... I have an idea...

Kathleen:
S-seriously guys, I need a bandaid! I think I broke my knuckles!

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Before I forget, I’ve kidnapped Cindal and am now holding her on the Starship Enterprise. So, you might just be meeting another friend in this next world.

Kathleen:
I-I don’t have any friends!

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Well no, we’re all aware of that. Okay, [she snaps her fingers and everything goes black.] Enjoy!

[All you can hear is Kathleen’s continuous sobs, because breaking your knuckles by punching a brick wall really, really hurts.]