#9
Roman WorldCube Count: Heroes, 7 Pool Boy: 0
[The scene opens to all our heroes laying on a beach, again. As they begin to stir, suspiciously dressed armoured guards approach down a frilly European hillside carrying spears and shields.]
Kelti:
[Groaning] Why does everything start with a beach? Why can’t we start with something interesting like a graveyard, or a cafeteria?
Kathleen:
[Spitting out a mouthful of sand.]...What would make you pick those?
Kelti:
[Cracking neck] I don’t know. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Johnny Depp:
[Dumping a large quantity of sand out of his hat] Of course it did. It always seems like a good idea at the time. That pipsqueak ten year-old Asian kid who solved the first Rubix Cube probably thought it was a brilliant idea at the time...
Spencer:
How was he supposed to know it would be the force behind the destruction of life as we know it?
Alex:
That’s a pretty broad statement. I mean, we’ve been to what, nine worlds? Even then, we’re only going to, like, twenty eight or something to get these cubes. There might be more beyond all those that won’t get destroyed.
Jessie:
How is it you guys can wash up on a beach and just start discussing philosophy?
Cam:
Well, we were going to bring up religion but that would probably lose us an audience.
Kelti:
Praise Ashley!
Kathleen:
As much as I love the insanity, I think maybe we ought to be a liiiiiittle more concerned with the approaching Roman militia. After all, they have spears and we have sand castles.
Spencer:
I made a sand monolith!
Kelti:
There will be no existentialism here!
Roman Soldier:
Halt! In the name of Emperor Humungous Dickonus the Third!
Natalie:
[Coughing] Compensating!
Roman Soldier:
What was that?
Natalie:
I, erm, said... [Everyone braces for the inevitable truth that will get them thrown to the lions.] Coagulating?
Roman Solider:
...Why?
Natalie:
....Whhhy not?
Roman Soldier:
[Shrugs] Meh. Anyways, are you Turks?
Kathleen:
No...
Roman Soldier:
What about Greeks?
Cam:
I don’t think so.
Roman Soldier:
Zimbabwean?
Kelti:
Uh...
Roman Soldier:
Cantonese?
Johnny Depp:
Oh, come on! You’re not even picking people that have had beefs with Rome in the past.
Roman Solider:
Our immigration policies are very strict, thank you very much. I have to follow it to a T or else I don’t get my quarterly bonus.
Kathleen:
[Shaking fist] I’ve got your quarterly bonus right here, you sunnu- [Alex clamps her hand over Kathleen’s mouth.]
Alex:
What she means to say is, we’re on a quest for a Rubix Cube piece. Have you seen one around here lately?
Roman Soldier:
Have I? Please, Humongous Dickonus has been on a three dimensional shape kick for the last week. He’s got the Colosseum full of cubes. They make for pretty good obstacle courses, y’know?
Johnny Depp:
Okay, great. Thing is, the cube piece we’re looking for is about ye-big, and might radiate this sensation of total evil.
Roman Soldier:
Ah, you’re looking for the Noxious Cuboxious.
Kathleen:
You know, you can’t just end something pithy in ‘ous’ and call it Roman.
Spencer:
Why not? Astrix and Obelisk did.
Kathleen:
They were comic book characters. We are clearly living, breathing people.
Natalie:
[Breaking fourth barrier... again.] Someone should probably tell her this is all just one bad acid trip, huh?
Johnny Depp:
[Chiming in] Or one very good acid trip, depending on how you want to look at it. But we’ve been over this before... [Turning back to the soldier] So, Noxious Cuboxious, huh? Where can we find it?
Roman Soldier:
Oh, you won’t be able to have it. It’s safely in the Emperor’s keeping. However, you can enter the Colosseum competition and try to win it by getting naked in the blazing sun and battling other naked men in various sweaty events involving extreme labour.
[While Cam, Johnny Depp, and Spencer open their mouth to reply, the girls quickly chime in]
Girls:
They’ll do it.
Roman Soldier:
Great! We can always use more competitors. You know, oddly enough most of the guys around here just aren’t into it.
Natalie:
I can’t possibly imagine why.
Roman Soldier:
I know, you’d think they’d really be into it. Lots of women always show up to watch.
Kelti:
I’m sure they do. So when is this competition?
Roman Soldier:
Oh, tomorrow.
Kathleen:
Shit, that doesn’t give you three much time to prepare.
Cam:
Us? Why can’t you guys do it as well?
Alex:
Um, hello, ovaries?
Cam:
Bullshit! Feminists are always going on about equal rights and being treated the same as men! The minute they’re told they have to strip down and wrestle other feminists in cherry Jello they’re all ‘I can’t! I’ll break a nail! Open the door for me! Pay for my meal but treat me equal!’
Alex:
The longer you stand there whining the less time you have for a montage of you and the others getting ready.
Cam:
[Stalks off fuming.] Gawd...
[The girls pause for a moment until the three guys are all well out of their hearing range. Then they exchange high fives and cheer.]
Natalie:
Roman style fighting here we come baybee!
Kelti:
Naked boys, heck yeah!
Jessie:
Sporting events, woohoo!
[The others stare]
[The others stare]
Kelti:
You really know how to ruin the sexual mood, Jessie.
[What follows is a montage of Johnny Depp, Cam, and Spencer doing various Rocky style activities to train themselves. ‘Eye of the Tiger’ plays, of course, as they run up and down stairs (there are a lot of those in Rome, right?) And mix raw eggs in glasses. Meanwhile the girls are sitting on a beach tanning themselves in bathing suits.]
Kathleen:
You know, I think that arrow is going to leave a scar.
Kelti:
Not surprising. You skin your knee and you’re marked for life.
Kathleen:
I wear my battle wounds proudly thank you very much. [She stands up to shake sand out of her towel, close up on her badass back scar which all the girls notice and make vomiting motions towards each other for a lark.]
Kathleen:
[Without turning around] And you can all bite me.
Natalie:
So, hey, do you think the guys actually stand a chance at winning the cube piece?
Alex:
Hard to say, I mean, the most physical exertion they’ve exhibited so far is trying to dance down the Mustard Linoleum Street, and that was an epic failure.
Kelti:
But if they don’t win the cube what will we do? We need all the cubes for the Evil Betty to give us our world back.
Kathleen:
[Raises eyebrow] Um, yeah, we all know that. Why are you stating the obvious?
Kelti:
Well, it has been a while since the start of this whole thing. I thought maybe we needed a reminder.
Jessie:
It sounds more like you’re preparing us for the climax of the whole adventure. Should I be getting my bow and arrow ready?
Natalie:
[She lifts her sunglasses and stares at Alex] God, I hate foreshadowing. Everything loses it’s magic when foreshadowing is involved.
Kelti:
Oh, I don’t know. When it’s really subtle stuff it isn’t so bad. Like when Kathleen mentioned that she had made a wish that would actually come in handy... What did you wish?
Kathleen:
Well, I could tell you the truth and risk the possibility of halting the wish procedure, or I could lie and make up something fanciful. What do you want?
Alex:
Give us the lie, Kitty.
Kathleen:
I wished for several half naked greased up pool boys not named Edjuardo to serves us drinks with umbrellas in them as we sat on a Roman beach.
Kelti:
[Lifts her daiquiri] Two outta three ain’t bad. Cheers, girls. [They clink glasses and go back to tanning.]
Spencer:
[Approaching from a very long set of stairs in the background he has clearly just finished running up and down.] So, we were just talking to that guard, and as it turns out, there’s a little section for the girls to compete in this big ol’ tournament.
Kathleen:
Oh really?
Spencer:
Yeah. Really.
Natalie:
And what precisely are we going to be required to do?
Spencer:
Fight. Other women. I’m told j-ello might be involved.
Kathleen:
Pfft, bizarre male fantasies I will never understand. Hey, am I burning?
Kelti:
Yeah, Alex, pass me the lotion so I can do Kat’s back.
[Scene changes to the next day, bright and early. The boys are sitting in the bleachers of the Colosseum, looking down into the pit where there are grotesquely large cubes set up everywhere, surrounded by smaller cubes, all the way to minute cubes that clearly serve no purpose. It looks a bit like a Cube Factory exploded and no one has bothered to clean up yet. Along with all our female heroes there are numerous other famous women from the past and present hanging about, sitting on cubes, chatting gaily, tanning, doing their nails; everything a stereotypical woman should do. All except our heroines of course, who realize that something more is up and they must be alert.]
[‘Happy Together’ by The Turtles begins to blare from the box where the Emperor Humongous Dickonus sits with a companion...]
Kathleen:
It’s the Evil Betty!
Alex:
Shit! What is she doing here?
The Evil Betty:
[Standing up, all groovy in her toga.] Friends, Romans, Countrymen. I come not to praise heroes, but to bury them! [Maniacal laughter] Today is the first day of our Roman World Olympics. And yes, I know nobody here is interested in watching a bunch of girls fight each other. This is just for legality reasons. Tomorrow the real fun begins with Old School Roman Style Fighting between the men! [Lots of cheers from the girls, groans from the guys.]
The Evil Betty:
I should mention though, there will be an extra special prize awarded to whoever manages to kill those five girls lumbering in the middle of the arena. [She points to the heroes] They are sworn enemies of Rome and must be punished! Or, something like that! Anyways, kill them first, okay?
Kathleen:
Oh come on!
The Evil Betty:
[Blows a whistle] And GO!
Alex:
Nuh! This isn’t good, you guys! What do we do?
Kelti:
I don’t know! There’s, like, forty of them!
Kathleen:
Who gave Anne Hathaway a flame thrower?!
Natalie:
The same person who gave Meryl Streep those nunchakus! Everyone scatter! [The girls all dive in opposite directions as a large mob of angry famous females descend upon the cube they were just sitting on.]
[What follows is transcribed from security footage at the Colosseum and the first hand reports made by guards Blotus and Grossus.]
[‘Vim and Vigour’ from the Kingdom Hearts II soundtrack begins to play. Mother Theresa has her sights set on Alex and with a grenade launcher it is clear she is one hell of an opponent.]
Blotus:
Yes sirree, it’s a lovely day here at the A-Typical Roman Style Colosseum, wouldn’t you say Grossus?
Grossus:
Oh indeed! We couldn’t have asked for better weather to play out or bizarre and inexplicable male fantasies about a group of hot women engaging in a fight only to have it degrade into a giant make out session.
Kelti:
[As she bashes that pretentious prima-dona Kathleen Battle in the face with a giant cube] Christ almighty! I wish we were back in Neverland!
Blotus:
So who else do we have competing today, Grossus?
Grossus:
Well, Blotus. On the Heroes side we have Jessie the Judge, Alex the Argumentative, Natalie the Nutjob-
Blotus:
Is she wearing warpaint?
Grossus:
Yes, Wonderland Warpaint. Avalialbe at your local Walmart as supplies last. There’s also Kelti the Killer and the leader of the Heroes, Kathleen the Unconquerable.
Blotus:
Well that sort of lacks keeping up with the whole alliteration theme, doesn’t it?
Grossus:
Well, Kelti had already been dubbed ‘Killer’, so at that point we were just picking titles at random, and Kathleen told us if we called her ‘Dazzling’ she would... [checks note] break out sternums with her foot.
Blotus:
Good to know. How about the antagonists?
Grossus:
Well, as you know this Hot Chick Fight is actually just a Pre-Olympic fun sort of thing we do, and because there have been exactly... [more note checking] exactly zero evil women in this play apart from the Evil Betty, we were told to just find some women who we thought had potential to be evil and throw them in there.
Blotus:
Care to explain how Mother Theresa got thrown into the mix?
Grossus:
Grasping at straws.
[Meanwhile, back on the ground, Jessie has just finished kicking the ass of someone who looks a lot like Queen Elizabeth I, only if she were really a man in drag. Basically what I’m getting at is that it is clearly a man, in drag, dressed like Queen Elizabeth. The point is Jessie has just kicked his/her ass with a rather large sledge hammer.]
Natalie:
We can’t fight them off! There’s too many of them!
Kathleen:
I’ve got a plan! You guys get up high!
[The girls all scramble up the randomly placed cubes until they’re far off the ground. Kathleen, meanwhile, has stuck her head into the Swirly Vortex.]
Kathleen:
Stephen! Crisis! Hand me that– what? No, no I don’t think that looks infected. Well, yeah, okay, maybe... I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. No, no I know I talk about ebola a lot but that doesn’t mean I’m a qualified virolo— No, I don’t think you have Swine Flu... I’m sure!... Well have you been to Mexico?... Uh huh, and is Paris anywhere near Mexico? ... Well there’s your answer now will you hand me that can of hair spray and a lighter please? [She pulls her head out of the vortex] Jesus....
[With all the movement that would make Rorschach proud, Kathleen jumps from her cube pedastal thing, does this fancy roll-as-you-land nonsense, and does the old light and a can of compressed air trick.]
Paris Hilton:
My face! My face! My beautiful face! What will I use to make people love me now?
Natalie:
Try another sex tape!
Paris Hilton:
It’s no good! I’m drier than the Sahara down there!
[The other heroes pull Kathleen up onto their giant cube and they form a circle, taking hands.]
Kathleen:
Alex, I’m going to need that wand Sailor Mercury gave you!
[Alex, clearly eager to help, offers up the wand without thinking.]
Kathleen:
Think happy thoughts everyone!
[As they begin to levitate off of the ground, Anne Hathaway manages to grab Jessie around the ankle, throwing off the zen of their special flying thing. Kathleen proceeds to throw the wand as hard as she can; it gets Hathaway right in the eye, and she falls back into the crowd.]
Blotus:
Oh would you look at that! Utilizing the power from other worlds, the female heroes make a dashing escape! Let’s look to the judges!
[Camera pans over the judges. Henry Kisinger holds up a 6.0, as does Harrison Ford, Queen Latifah, someone dressed like Solid Snake, and a panda bear. However as the camera pans over a stereotypical Frenchman, he only gives a 5.9 The entire crowd begins to boo.]
The Evil Betty:
[Jumping from her seat] Preposterous! I don’t want them to win but even I know that Rorschach move was badass!
Grossus:
Well, Blotus. I think it’s safe to say that today’s competition went to the Heroes. What have we got in store tomorrow?
Blotus:
Tomorrow there’s going to be a chariot race in the morning, bring your own wheels, followed by a pancake brunch, and then the one-on-one mens competition.
Grossus:
Sounds fantastic! From everyone here at CXUAssus I’m Wally Grossus-
Blotus:
And I’m Riley Blotus, and this is ‘Waking Up Gross and Bloated With Wally and Riley’. [He presses a button, there is an incredibly lengthy amount of sound effects including a toilet flushing, someone farting, nails on a chalk board, some kind of farm animal, and a door slamming, all overlapped by ‘Misty Mountain Hop’ by Led Zeppelin.]
The Evil Betty:
Curses! This was a total waste of time! It wasn’t even funny! What sort of filler was this? God, you lot are really starting to let me down!
Kathleen:
Don’t blame us, this is your evil plot!
The Evil Betty:
Silence! I am merely a vessel for a high power!
Kelti:
We’ve talked about the goddamned existentialism before!
The Evil Betty:
I said ‘silence’ dammit! All right, [deep breaths] calm down, Betty... This is just a minor problem. It’s going to be okay. You just have to remember your blood pressure, take your pills. It’s all good. It’s all good. Right! [She snaps her fingers and immediately several doting half-naked pool boys appear by her side.] Gents, take me back to my tent. I want to be lavished with attention and questionable compliments while I devour the heart of the nearest small water fowl and continue to plot for tomorrow.
[All at once she, along with everyone else that is a part of the Colosseum disappears in tiny puffs of smoke, leaving the heroes together again, by themselves.]
Johnny Depp:
I’ll admit, that was impressive work out there.
Spencer:
You have got to stop reading ‘Watchmen’, Kathleen...
Kathleen:
You’re just mad you didn’t think of it first.
Alex:
Actually he’s probably mad that he doesn’t have ovaries so he can get in on the action. Anyways, we’ve got to be in the chariot race tomorrow. Any volunteers?
Natalie:
None of us girls can, obviously.
Cam:
I don’t see what’s stopping you.
Natalie:
Well A) We just finished a lengthy and gruelling competition and we worked up sweats, which is unnatural for girls in case you didn’t know.
Spencer:
I have actually heard that.
Natalie:
B) There is no proper way to control our hair as the wind whips through it, which makes chariot racing out of the question. And C) The grit would smudge our pretty, pretty faces.
Cam:
What about our pretty, pretty faces?
[The girls exchange nervous glances.]
Kathleen:
So Johnny Depp won’t be going in the chariot race either then...
Cam and Spencer:
Hey!
Johnny Depp:
Well, I won’t argue with that. I guess I’ll do the one on one fighting thing.
Kathleen:
[Puts on her best solemn face.] Roman style fighting, are you sure?
Johnny Depp:
It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.[The girls proceed to high five one and other behind his back.]
Kelti:
[Clearing her throat] Well then, we can enter Cam and Spencer separately tomorrow, boost our chances of winning.
Jessie:
If we can get some good horses then we’ll have this in the bag.
Kathleen:
Where are we going to find good horses around here? I mean ones that we don’t have to steal.
Jessie:
Leave that to me...[The next day we see the heroes on the race course, Cam and Spencer both in their individual chariots.]
Jessie:
Cam, this is Mr. Ed. He likes peanut butter and nipping ladies in the butt. And Spencer, this is Quick Silver. He’s a sellout who’s had a bike named after him, and also I think he might be addicted to cocaine, which may or may not prove to be useful in this situation.
The Evil Betty:
[From the stands] Anyone not racing... Get the hell off the tracks!!
[Everyone proceeds to flee back into the stands. A woman scantily clad in a toga saunters out onto the track and lifts too large boulders above her head. In one movement she clashes them together, I guess a bit like a starting gun only for Roman World. Who cares, really? This isn’t about research as we all know by now.]
Grossus:
And they’re off! QuicksilvercomingrounghtebendquicksilverfollowedcloselybyRagingHormones,RagingHormonesnearlytrottedonbyEarlyOnsetAlcoholismwhohasjusttrippedandfallen and OH Early Onset Alcoholism is out of the race! Now its... QuickSilverfollowedbyRagingHormonesfollowedbyMrEd,MrEdpickingupspeed,MrEdgoingforthefinishinglineand WHAT IS THAT? [There is a horrific crash near the end of the track.]
Blotus:
Foul! The Pool Boy’s chariot slammed into Mr. Ed! Oh the judges are not going to be happy about this one![As the smoke clears we can see a twisted wreckage of chariots and bodies. Cam and Spencer are crawling out of the mess, clearly lucky to have their lives.]
Cam:
Mr. Ed! Oh god what have they done to you? [As he approaches the fallen Mr. Ed, the horse goes up in flames.]
Cam:
Ah well.
Kathleen:
Look! Jesus christ! Cam, Spencer! Cube piece, ONE O’CLOCK!
[The boys begin craning their heads around, desperate to locate the cube piece in the general one o’clock position.]
Spencer:
I use 24 hours!
Kathleen:
Thirteen! THIRTEEN!
[Edjuardo, having spotted the cube piece amongst the carnage, is making a wild climb for it. Apparently the cube piece was part of the wheel on one of the chariots or something like that. Cam and Spencer begin scrambling up the other side as the other heroes lean forward over the stands, waiting in anticipation to see who will get to it first! Who will it be?! WHO WILL IT BE? Cam reaches out, his finger tips about to caress the side of the cube when everything goes dark.]
[The scene changes to Kathleen, who has her head resting on a pile of Post-it notes, arrange a bit to look like the tea party from Wonderland. Someone is standing over her shouting.]
Alex:
Kathleen! Kat! Wake up, dude! We’re going to be late for the interagency conference.
Kathleen:
Nargh? [Post it notes fall from her face.] Fantastic, I’ll bring chips and dip...
Alex:
Wake up! [Slap, slap!] This is no joke, The Boss is going to be there!
Kathleen:
[Wide awake] The Boss? Are you sure?
Alex:
Definitely, that security guard Nathan saw his car in the executive space in the parkade!
Kathleen:
[Scrambling to grab her papers] So, does this mean we’re finally going to find out what we do for a living?
Alex:
I hope so, now come on![They sprint down the hallway towards the conference room where we can see everyone, Cindal, Cam, Spencer, Kelti, Jessie, and Natalie all filing into the conference room. Alex joins them while Kathleen closes the door and turns to face The Boss, only to find herself looking directly into the face of...]
Kathleen:
Jesus Christ, a Rubix Cube!
The Boss:
[Who’s voice sounds exactly like James Earl Jones] Settle down, I’ve brought it here today to illustrate our new marketing strategies using this cube as an example, and with the help of Mr. Johnny Depp. [He motions to a corner where Johnny Depp steps into the light.]
Everyone:
Holy crap!
Kathleen:
[Head/desk] It was just a dream, just a dream...
Narrator:
But was it? What could be the significance of the cube piece? What sort of bizarre marketing strategy could possibly be explained with the help of a Rubix Cube and an A-List Hollywood actor? If it was just a dream, then who’s pants am I wearing and why is Betty suddenly not part of the group? All of these questions, and more, will probably not be answered in the next installment of... The Stage Play: reVAMPThe Evil Doings of a Rubix Cube
Stay tuned!
Stay tuned!
