The Stage Play: reVAMP
The Evil Doings of a Rubix Cube Part II
[The scene opens to Sonny and Cher’s ‘I Got You Babe’ playing as the credits roll by. The camera pans over a happy city scape, there are people dancing in the streets for no particular reason, daisies everywhere, it’s a bit like a hippy convention only more (or possibly less) weed. As the song nears the end we hear a tape scratching. The camera stops over the building of John Doe Inc where we can see Cam hurling an old boom box into the crowd of hippies where it shatters on impact.]
Cam:
God, it’s like listening to Greenday’s ‘Time of Your Life’ over and over and over-
[Greenday’s ‘Time Of Your Life’ begins to play.]
Cam:
God dammit! [He disappears into the building.]
[The scene changes to inside the office building, the camera hangs over the cubicles, we can see eight figures leaning lazily back in their chairs, tossing a paper ball to each other over the cubicle walls.]
Alex:
We’ve been doing this for how many days now?
Natalie:
Fifty-eight.
Alex:
Why?... Kelti, heads up!
Kathleen:
Because we all had the same twisted dream about a Rubix Cube and a Pool Boy and until someone can justify to me why we all experienced the exact same thing-
Spencer:
Drugs.
Kathleen:
-Without using drugs, we’re not doing anything else.
Kelti:
Why don’t we call Johnny Depp and ask him if he had the dream? At least then we could narrow it down to either one freaking hallucination brought on by CO2 poisoning or... you know... reality.
Cam:
That’s a brilliant plan, Kelti. You go do that.
Kelti:
I will... As soon as someone gets me his phone number!
Natalie:
Well, I’ve got it right here- Oh ho, wait a minute. I’m not falling for that one again! I know about you and the restraining order.
Kelti:
Sending hair in the mail isn’t creepy!
Kathleen:
No, sending hair from your HEAD isn’t creepy. What you did is just ethically wrong.
Cindal:
Think there’s any chance we’ll be caught wasting company time?
Spencer:
By who? The nonexistent Boss?
Cindal:
The Boss is real, we all saw him.
Spencer:
No, we saw a figure hunched behind a giant Rubix Cube who spent three hours lecturing us about marketing techniques to infants.
Cam:
And we still don’t know what we do for a living.
Jessie:
Maybe we make said Rubix Cubes.
Kathleen:
If we make Rubix Cubes for a living then why were we on an adventure to retrieve the twenty-seven pieces of the Cube of Evil? Couldn’t we have just gone down the hall to product development and stolen one from the nerds?
Jessie:
No way, have you seen those guys? They made a catapult out of a stapler and pen lids.
Cindal:
And incidently, they really hurt when they hit you.
Natalie:
Face it, Kat. As bizarre and convincing as it seemed, it was just a dream. There is no Cube of Evil, no Pool Boy, no Johnny Depp or Starship Enterprise or Evil Betty. It was one big, lengthy, in-joke.
Kathleen:
You keep telling yourselves that. I’m going to make toast. [She throws the paper ball into the fray]
Spencer:
She’s broken the chain!
Alex:
Dammit! We were so close to the record!
Cindal:
Way to go, Swat. You’ve ruined another good thing.
Kathleen:
[As she walks away] There is no doubt in my mind that you will get over it. [She whistles a happy tune as she troops to the cafeteria where she begins to make toast for herself.]
Kathleen:
[Singing]
I love toast,
toast, toast, toast!
Toast with peanut butter,
Toast with jam!
Toast with honey
And toast with ba-na-na
Toast with brown sugar
Toast with cinnamon!
Everyone knows that toast is win!
Most toast... Most toast...
[She continues to hum as she reaches for the cupboard and pulls down a jar of peanut butter.]
Kathleen:
Mm-mm! Nutty delight. Who thought such a creamy, succulent being could be such a brutal killing machin- Hey! Who ate all the peanut butter?!
[Suddenly things start to get really dramatic. A look of shock comes over Kathleen’s face, everything goes slow motion, the empty jar tips out of her hand and crashes onto the floor.]
Alex:
[Suddenly appearing out of nowhere.]
Kat, Kat! There’s a PONY RIDE upstairs!
Kathleen:
Uh...a pony ride?
Alex:
Yeah! These four magical ponies arrived out of the blue and they’re offering free rides!
Kathleen:
And just to clarify... I’m the one on drugs, right?
[Ignoring the shattered peanut butter jar, she follows Alex upstairs where there are four black ponies all trotting in a neat little circle giving rides to Spencer, Cam, Natalie, and Jessie. Kelti is standing off to the side with her arms crossed defensively, glaring at the ponies.]
Kathleen:
Something wrong?
Kelti:
This isn’t sitting right.
Kathleen:
Well, I’ve told you before there are creams-
Kelti:
No, not that! I mean those ponies are suspicious!
Kathleen:
You think? Ponies appearing randomly out of nowhere have set off some sort of alarm bells in your head?
Kelti:
No, no it’s not that... They look like the My Little Pony-Apocalypse Edition that I owned back in High School.
Kathleen:
[Sudden realization] Dear sweet jesus! Natalie, get off that horse! It’s Pestilence Pony!
Cindal:
Oh come on! Robot Chicken totally did that already!
Kathleen:
Naw, don’t worry about it. Seth Green will make some sort of awkward cameo and we’ll all move on.
[Suddenly Seth Green walks by.]
Seth Green:
Hey Guys.
Everyone:
Hey Seth.
Alex:
We’re going to get sued.
Kathleen:
No way. South Park stole from us, we stole from Robot Chicken, now Robot Chicken will steal from South Park. It’s the Comedy Circle of Life. Besides, you’re missing the bigger picture here. Namely that I was right in my original claim that an empty peanut butter jar is the sign the apocalypse. Cam, get off that Pony of Famine and pay me five bucks!
Cam:
Come on! One more round!
Kathleen:
Fine. But wash your hands afterwards. Don’t want you touching me with your dirty famine hands.
Alex:
Um-
Kathleen:
Filthy famine, spreading like a disease.
Kelti:
You’re thinking of pestilence.
Kathleen:
Meh, tomato-ketchup.
Alex:
Wait, what?
Kathleen:
I said shut your filthy little mouth! [Taking a few deep breaths] Now... I don’t mean to alarm any of you, but I have a very bad feeling about this... Spencer, what are you doing?
Spencer:
Pfft, I’ll tell you what I’m not doing. I’m not feeding Death Pony a sugar cube. Isn’t that right Death Pony? Oh yes, gootchygoo!
[Kathleen is about to open her mouth when ‘21st Century Cure’ from the Repo soundtrack begins to play.]
Kelti:
...Does anyone else hear that?
Kathleen:
No, you’re losing your mind.
Kelti:
Oh shit, really?!
Kathleen:
Dur, no. We’ve gone over this before, *everyone* hears the floating random soundtrack, Kel. You’re not losing your mind.
[Right around the point where Graverobber gets to his first awesome screaming part the ground begins to rumble. There is total panic! Oh no! The four horses, still carrying Cam, Natalie, Spencer, and Jessie, suddenly bolt for the door and disappear.]
Kathleen:
NOO!
[As the clearly cheap linoleum tiling beneath their feet, the remaining heroes, IE: Cindal, Kathleen, Alex, and Kelti all slip through the floor and disappear into the total blackness below! Oh noes!]
[Camera pans over on Kathleen who is just waking up in what appears to be a Tim Burton movie set, possibly if The Corpse Bride could be transposed to reality, it would have that sort of creepy blue tinge to it. Everything is very distressing. In the background we can hear ‘Eliot’ by Sarah Slean playing in the background. Kathleen stumbles to her feet, in a rather unsteady, drunken fashion, although she is clearly not drunk right now. Seriously. Mm wine.]
Kathleen:
Ow, my head! Dammit, that hurt! Why can’t random plummets through obscure darkness ever end with a pillow? Just a pillow, that’s all I ask. [She glances around and finds Sarah Slean at the piano, singing.]
Kathleen:
Hey, um, famous Canadian Songstress Sarah Slean, where am I?
Sarah Slean:
Dead Rockers World.
Kathleen:
Are... you dead?
Sarah Slean:
Yuuuup.
Kathleen:
Oh geez, I’m sorry to hear that. When did it happen?
Sarah Slean:
About... [She checks her watch] Five minutes ago.
Kathleen:
What happened?
Sarah Slean:
Stalker.
Kathleen:
Well, this play is off to a bad start.
Sarah Slean:
What?
Kathleen:
What? Nothing. Listen, you haven’t seen any other people like me around here? You know, non-corpsey people.
Sarah Slean:
Yeah, I think I saw a blonde over by John Lennon’s grave nursing a scraped knee.
Kathleen:
Awesome! Thanks! And...uh... I’m sorry for your loss.
Sarah Slean:
[As Kathleen is walking away] My next album was going to be a winner you know! You hadn’t seen nothing yet! I WAS JUST WARMING UP WITH THE BARONESS- aw, who am I kidding? [Goes back to her piano.]
[Kathleen saunters along the graveyard, making note of the popular recording artists who have passed on over the years. People like... Harry Chapman and... George Carlin. Oh yeah and Jimi Hendrix and that other Beatle, and a bunch of other famous guys. She finally locates Lennon and checks behind the tombstone.]
Kathleen:
Hey, Al. What’s up?
Alex:
Kitty! Thank god! Please tell me this isn’t really happening!
Kathleen:
Okay, I won’t.
Alex:
Wait.... just... give me the basic information. But leave out anything that might permanently scar me.
Kathleen:
[She opens her mouth, then closes it again and walks away.]
Alex:
Don’t leave me alone! John Lennon keeps asking me if I’ve seen Yoko and I don’t know how to tell him the truth!
[As they continue to walk along ‘Cemetery Polka’ by Tom Waits begins to play. Suddenly, as they pass by a tomb stone for, say, John Coltrane, a figure pops out of nowhere. Everything seems to come suddenly and in a pop in this play doesn’t it?]
Johnny Depp:
[Adjusting his token fedora] You! This is YOUR fault! Why are you so obsess- wait, is that Tom Waits?
Kathleen:
It certainly is.
Johnny Depp:
Huh, I didn’t know you liked Tom Waits.
Kathleen:
Big fan.
Johnny Depp:
Favourite album?
Kathleen:
Rain Dogs, closely followed by Alice.
Johnny Depp:
[Eyes her suspiciously for a moment] Fine, okay, that’s good. Good stuff. Doesn’t change the fact that your creepy obsession has ONCE AGAIN made me part of some insane farce! WHY?
Kathleen:
Oh no, you can’t blame this one on me. I wanted him. [She points in the direction of another tomb stone where HUGH LAURIE is just dusting himself off and looking around.]
Hugh Laurie:
Great scot, where am I? [All said in a very sexy British Accent]
Johnny Depp:
Wait, you wanted Hugh Laurie? You REPLACED me?
Hugh Laurie:
This doesn’t look like the set for House...
Kathleen:
Well, you didn’t seem to have much fun last time...
Johnny Depp:
That is no excuse! I am a staple in any bizarre twisted Rubix-Cube-Celebrity-Fantasy!
Hugh Laurie:
I think I have a rock in my shoe...
Kathleen:
Well I would hardly call chasing after an insane pool boy and a twisted co-worker a FANTASY.
Johnny Depp:
Oh and what would you call it? Another day at the office?
Kathleen:
YES! Yes! Exactly! My god, you were around for ten worlds! You know how this works! If it’s totally insane we can justify it! It’s the norm we can’t stand!
Johnny Depp:
And I’M your definition of normal?
Kathleen:
No, right now you’re my definition of a douche bag!
Hugh Laurie:
[Reading a tomb stone] Bob Marley... that explains why I smell weed.
Alex:
Guys! I really think our biggest problem right now isn’t whether or not Johnny Depp has suffered some sort of painful emotional betrayal due to Hugh Laurie’s sudden appearance.
Kathleen:
[Muttering to self] Much would have preferred Colbert for part two anyways...
Alex:
Kat! Come on! Now the first seven cube pieces are back on the deserted island totally unguarded, Edjuardo must be on the loose somewhere, and now we have to explain to Hugh Laurie what he’s doing here.
Hugh Laurie:
Please?
Kathleen:
Well- wait, seven? We went to nine worlds!
Alex:
Yeah but we never got one on the Deserted Tropical Island, and Roman World was just a pitiful attempt at grasping at straws. So we’re at seven.
Kathleen:
Fair enough, twenty to go. Okay, you give you Hugh Laurie the low down, Johnny Depp and I need to have a little discussion about his attitude problem.
Johnny Depp:
You’re not my mother!
Kathleen:
And we’re all very glad, believe me! Now come on! [She grabs him by the ear and pulls him towards the nearest tomb stone where they both settle down. No one seems to notice that the stone reads ‘Kanye West- Beaten to Death by Irony’ written on it.]
Kathleen:
Listen, Johnny, I’m sorry you’re upset, but you’ve got to understand this is beyond my control. Well, I mean, not really, because in some twisted way I am the narrator of my own story and I’m simply relaying the facts to the reader and or viewer, so by all rights I could change it and control it any way I chose. However, for the sake of continuity, we’ve got to keep Laurie around.
Johnny Depp:
I just don’t like being replaced...
Kathleen:
Silly goose! You’re not being replaced! I thought after last time you’d want someone in your own class, you know, to keep you company. After all, we’re clearly not good enough for you...
Johnny Depp:
Isn’t that sweet? Trust me, Kathleen. You, at least, are in a class all by yourself.
Kathleen:
Awww, wait a minute...
Johnny Depp:
Come on, let’s see what’s going on- [He and Kathleen scatter suddenly as a figure drops out of the sky and lands conveniently on Kanye West’s gravestone, shattering it.]
Kathleen:
Kelti!
Kelti:
Hey girl, what’s going on?
Kathleen:
Dead Rockers World.
Kelti:
Good to know. Hey Johnny Depp.
Johnny Depp:
Hey Kelti.
Kathleen:
Well, let’s go see if Alex has managed to calm Hugh Laurie down.
Kelti:
Hugh Laurie is here? Awesome!
[Johnny Depp scowls but says nothing, Kathleen just claps him sympathetically over the shoulder.]
Alex:
... And then we were in Roman World and there was this chariot race and a Frenchman, and even though we totally beat Anne Hathaway’s ass he only gave us a 5.9.
Hugh Laurie:
...Backup. You beat up Anne Hathaway.
Alex:
She had a flame thrower, we had no choice. Anyways, then we passed around this paper ball for a couple months, and then there was an empty peanut butter jar and the four My Little Ponies of the Apocalypse and here we are.
Hugh Laurie:
Okay, got it. Makes perfect sense really. Just one tiny thing.
Alex:
Okay, shoot.
Hugh Laurie:
Are you all mental?
Kelti:
That has yet to be confirmed by a registered physician thank you very much. Hey Alex.
Alex:
Hey Kel.
Johnny Depp:
Hey, we’re missing some people. Where are the others? Cam-
Kathleen:
Oh he won’t be joining us. He had an unfortunate accident with a can of black paint. [The three girls burst into laughter.]
Alex:
Seriously though, he’s gone goth so we probably won’t find him until he manages to crawl his way out of the infinite miasmas of his soul.
Johnny Depp:
Cindal then? Natalie or Jessie or Spencer?
Kathleen:
[Shrugging] Hard to say. I’m sure they’ll show up eventually. Cam too, I mean, he was in that Sonny and Cher intro. And without him this play lacks a serious anchor.
Kelti:
Now Spencer, that’s someone we could do without.
Johnny Depp:
Glad to see you haven’t lost any of that pent up rage.
The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Greetings former co-workers of John Doe Inc! It is I, The Evil Betty, come to give you a friendly recap and remind you about what’s going on!
Kathleen:
Betty, what a cantankerous surprise!
The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Kathleen, how’s your love life- Oh ho, that’s right. I forgot. You’re going to die alone.
Kathleen:
[Muttering] Least I’m not going to die a bitch.
The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
What was that?
Kathleen:
I said... At least I won’t die with a nervous twitch?
Alex:
You know ‘rich’ might have been a better choice there.
Kathleen:
...Why would I want to die with a nervous rich? That seems totally counter productive.
Alex:
[Sigh] Never mind.
The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Anyways, just to let you know, those seven pieces of the Rubix Cube of Evil that you so foolishly placed all on that Deserted Tropical Island are totally unguarded at the moment, free for the picking. Just to recap, your cube pieces are unguarded and should my pool boy and henchman Edjuardo get his hands on them you would have to battle him for them. Also, you still have twenty pieces to get.
Hugh Laurie:
Just to recap one more time. These heroes have been tasked by YOU the Evil Betty, to retrieve the 27 pieces of the Cube of Evil so you may conquer the various mini worlds throughout the universe in exchange for leaving their planet al-WHY is Johnny Depp holding an axe and looking at me menacingly?
Johnny Depp:
[Clearly hiding a very large axe (shazam) behind his back (SHAZAM)] I am not!
Kathleen:
Aw, he’s jealous!
Johnny Depp:
Pfft, jealous.. That’s ridiculous, you’re ridiculous. This whole thing is ridiculous. Pfft, jealous.
The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Wow, Kathleen, you sure know how to pick em.
Kathleen:
Don’t I just? Anyways, is there anything else you want us to know?
The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Yes, I’ve put Edjuardo on the Deserted Tropical Island, you know, just to give him a little head start. After all he is a bit retarded, and I think his self esteem might be suffering a bit for it.. No William Shatner, Cool Whip will not do. I want the canned Real Cream, nothing less than quality for pure evil. Anyway, that’s everything dearies! Ciao!
Kathleen:
Well, I think that establishes the plot line fairly well... Hey, who put Hugh Laurie in the fetal position?
Johnny Depp:
[Scoffing] I didn’t roll into the fetal position when I first got involved in the play.
Kelti:
To be fair he’s a Brit, and they’re notoriously scared of...well... everything.
Alex:
That’s a bit of a generalization.
Kelti:
Not really, you should hear what I say about the Swiss. [Whisper whisper whisper]
Alex:
Meh, I guess you’re right.
Kelti:
Great watches though.
Alex:
Oh without a doubt.
Kathleen:
Okay, well, I guess we had better find us a Rubix Cube, and- Ga! is that a hand clawing out of the ground?!
Alex:
Nuuh, all my very real fears about zombies are coming to life!
[The camera pans to a new view, suddenly all the heroes have their backs to each other and are holding handy zombie battling instruments like long bats and chainsaws, etc. The scene cuts away to a Deserted Tropical Island. We see Spencer waking up on the beach, looking fairly dazed.]
Spencer:
Nuh, my head. Where am I? One minute I was enjoying a lovely pony ride and contemplating the many ways I alone can save the world, the next minute I’m here... On a Deserted Tropical Island... With Cable! All right! [He glances around to find Edjuardo, of course, sitting rather precariously in the top of a palm tree, trying to poke a bag of cube pieces with a long stick as they hang over shark infested water.]
Spencer:
What the hell are you doing?!
[Edjuardo, realizing he’s been made, flails a bit nervously and then falls from the tree. Of course a coconut lands on his head a moment later, just for the comedic effect.]
Spencer:
Wait a minute, I know who you are! You’re Eduardo!
Edjuardo:
It’s... Edjjjjuuuuuuuaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrdo.
Spencer:
Whatever, why the hell are you trying to get our cubes? We earned those fair and square!
Edjuardo:
B-but I’m [whine] laaaaazy.
Spencer:
And yet here you are trying to get some clearly well-protected cubes instead of using your brain and figuring out where the other cubes are before our team does. You do realize if you put just the tiniest amount of effort into it you’d probably be able to find the cubes before the rest of us, right? I mean, we usually just find them via luck or if the world has been going on too long, just plain old plot advancement. I’m sure if you put your mind to it you’d be able to find them before us.
Edjuardo:
[Considers this for a moment.] ... Probably not.
Spencer:
Well, I’m just trying to help.
Edjuardo:
...Why?
Spencer:
I... feel sorry for you?
Edjuardo:
You were having the time of your life on a pony ride, and you feel sorry for ME?
Spencer:
It’s the little things, okay?!
[The scene changes back to the graveyard where the Heroes are clutching each other, as dozens of dead bodies advance closer to them!]
Hugh Laurie:
We’re all going to die! I don’t want to go this way! Someone save meeee!
Johnny Depp:
[In a moment of seriousness he turns to Kathleen.] Seriously, you picked him over me?
Kathleen:
You know what? It was a moment of weakness okay-
Johnny Depp:
It is not okay! I don’t like being replaced!
Kathleen:
For the love of- You aren’t being replaced! Just think about it, did YOU curl into the fetal position in Ye Olde England?
Johnny Depp:
...No...
Kathleen:
Right, and who stood up for me when the Queen of Hearts wanted to cut off my head.
Johnny Depp:
....Me...
Kathleen:
And who so nobly volunteered to risk his own life in the Chariot Race in Roman World just so we wouldn’t have to see you in the buff.
Johnny Depp:
Me...
Kathleen:
And who’s going to sue if this gets leaked onto the internet?
Johnny Depp:
Me! Wait, no, not me! Oh my god, you are still in a creepy, stalker-esque way obsessed with me!
Kathleen:
Of course I am! Now, if you don’t mind, I think we need to figure a way out of here- Ga! Zombie Jim Morrison’s teething on my ankle!
[Johnny Depp proceeds to swat Zombie Jim Morrison off of Kathleen’s ankle in a very heroic way.]
Zombie Jim Morrison:
[Gasp] Please, man! You gotta get me some food! I’ve been buried in France for years and no one’s bothered to water my grave once! They just sit around smoking pot and listening to ‘Light My Fire’ over and over again! How can I be expected to create deep, insightful lyrics on an empty stomach?
Kelti:
I thought that was the point of the crack.
Hugh Laurie:
Wow, I love The Doors! [Awkward pause] Not for the crack! The music, I swear it’s the music!
Kathleen:
Sure it is.
Alex:
No doubting from us, that’s for sure.
Kelti:
We totally believe you.
Hugh Laurie:
[Muttering] Dumb teenagers.
Zombie Freddy Mercury:
[Does some fancy falsetto squeal before coming off a crazy high] Man, I can’t stand John Denver! If I hear one more song about Annie or how he really is a qualified pilot I think I’ll scream. [Another falsetto sing/scream]
Zombie Elvis:
Man... Man I have to go like you wouldn’t believe. Which is ironic because I died on the crapper....
Zombie Jim Morrison:
Hey Mercury! You got any food?
Zombie Freddy Mercury:
I got... Half a Klondike Bar.
Zombie Jim Morrison:
Can I have it?
Zombie Freddy Mercury:
That depends [knowing look] What’ll you do for half a Klondike Bar?
[After a moment of nervous hesitation, Zombie Jim Morrison begins to unzip his pants.]
Johnny Depp:
Oh-hokay! That’s enough outta you! Listen, has anyone seen a Rubix Cube piece around here? Anywhere at all? It should be all... cube shaped and radiating evil.
Kelti:
Or possibly green.
Kathleen:
There are six colours to choose from, what made you say green?
Kelti:
I... don’t know.
Alex:
Seems to me if we look back in the play you have a lot of instances like that... Where you make bizarre guesses that turn out to be true.
Kathleen:
Or if you didn’t, you’re probably going to make them now.
Kelti:
Does that mean I’m psychic? Awesome!
Hugh Laurie:
My like psyCHOtic.
Kelti:
[Stares at him blankly then turns to Kathleen] Hugh Laurie isn’t as funny in real life. House is much funnier...
Hugh Laurie:
Dammit, I’ve done over things than House you know! I made an entire career for myself in Britain before House! You know what they say when they see me in England?
Kathleen:
There goes George the snotty Prince of Wales?
Hugh Laurie:
What? No... Well, yes actually, if they’re quoting Black Adder the Third. But usually they say something like... Like...
Alex:
....Look, there’s Hugh Laurie, the guy who plays House?
Hugh Laurie:
[Long, drawn out pause.].... Shut up.
Johnny Depp:
Soo... back to that cube then?
Zombie Kurt Cobain:
I’ll tell you where it is! I’ll tell you, but you’ve got to do something for me! Avenge my- actually, you know what? I think I’m good like this.
Kathleen:
No, no, what were you going to say, avenge your what?
Zombie Kurt Cobain:
Naw, it’s not important. Just forget I said anything.
Kelti:
No way, I can see how this might bother a large group of people for a very long time unless we figure out what you want us to avenge. Without answers it’s just going to tear the audience apart, there are going to be conspiracy theories, and people are going to be needlessly placing the blame on innocent crack whores. You know, it could get very tragic for anyone innocent involved with silly food related names.
Zombie Kurt Cobain:
Well, that’s just silly. You’re silly.
Zombie Keith Moon:
You know, I think Hendrix was playing with some LEGOs a few years ago. He might have your cube.
[Zombie’s Jim Morrison and Freddy Mercury appear from behind grave stones, zipping up their flies, while Morrison munches on half a Klondike Bar.]
Zombie Jim Morrison:
Man, a Rubix without its cube is like a child in the Summer living in the deep south among the cotton fields without an ice. cream. cone.
Kathleen:
[Blinks] Well that is one of the most bizarre things I have ever heard... and I had tea with the Mad Hatter.
Zombie Jim Morrison:
Yeah, well, I try.
Kelti:
Come on, where's Hendrix buried?
Zombie Keith Moon:
In between Jim Croce and Frank Zappa. Man, Zappa never shuts up. Always asteroids this and Secret Moon Units that. You'd think after being buried for a decade he'd at least learn a little humility.
Zombie Kurt Cobain:
He's like the father of rock man, give him a little credit.
Hugh Laurie:
Someone tell Zombie Karen Carpenter to stop eating my leg!
[There is a very long, very awkward silence, that will only seem funny if you know how Karen Carpenter died.]
Kathleen:
That was totally uncalled for.
Johnny Depp:
Yeah man, I like a good joke as much as the next person but that was just cruel.
Alex:
You don’t joke about things like that, you know? It’s just not right.
Kelti:
I mean, it’s a serious problem that faces thousands of people every day. You don’t try to turn that into-
Hugh Laurie:
Okay, okay, okay! I get it! Anorexia jokes bad, out of line! I won’t do it again.
Kathleen:
Wait... you thought we were talking about anorexia? [Laughs] No, no. We meant you don’t try to shove off the woman who sang ‘Rainbow Connection’. Gawd... Anorexia jokes are totally appropriate.
Alex:
Well, I wouldn’t go that far.
Kathleen:
Well, okay, yeah, not at the start of the play. But I mean, we’ve already made gay jokes and emo jokes, and jokes about plagiarism. When you combine that with the first half, I’d say 87% of this play ought to be censored.
Kelti:
Not to mention the Jewish jokes you’ll make later on!
Kathleen:
...How do you know that?
Kelti:
I don’t know!!
Alex:
Come on, I want to find Zombie Hendrix and get out of here. Everything smells dead.
Johnny Depp:
What exactly did you expect in Dead Rockers World?
Alex:
Oh I don’t know. Maybe a Glade Plug-in or two?
[‘Island of the Dead’ from the Crono Cross soundtrack begins to play as our heroes forge their way through thickets of bones and skulls towards Zombie Jimi Hendrix’s grave.]
Kelti:
Come ON, Hugh Laurie. Keep up!
Hugh Laurie:
[Whining in his sexy British accent] I want to go home!
Kathleen:
We all want to go home, but that isn’t an option right now!
Hugh Laurie:
I want an ice cream cone!
Alex:
No!
Hugh Laurie:
Zombie Jim Morrison got one!
Alex:
Well Zombie Jim Morrison had to perform sexual favors for Zombie Freddy Mercury! Do YOU want to perform sexual favors for Zombie Freddy Mercury?
Hugh Laurie:
Then I want to be a motor car!
Kelti:
[Losing her temper] Everyone wants to be a motor car now shut up!
[Finally they reach a shallow grave. The headstone reads ‘ZOMBIE JIMI HENDRIX’ which of course doesn’t make any sense because he was hardly a zombie when they put him in the ground but oh well.]
Alex:
His grave is empty, now what do we do?
Kelti:
Someone get in there and see if he’s got any LEGO’s still hanging around...
Zombie Jimi Hendrix:
[From behind them] Yo man, leggo o’ my LEGOs.
Kathleen:
Ga! Zombie Hendrix!
Kelti:
Awesome!! [She is oblivious to Johnny Depp’s hurt face]
Kathleen:
Um, excuse me, Mr. Zombie Jimi Hendrix, sir. We were told you had... [Hendrix takes out his guitar and begins strumming, which makes Kathleen giggle]... A...a rubix... ah screw it.
Johnny Depp:
See? SEE?! This is exactly what I’m talking about. Look at you gushing all over a dead celebrity!
Zombie Jimi Hendrix:
Man, you need to cool your jets dude. This lovely little lady is just lucky enough to love my little... Dammit! I hate trying to make dirty alliterations!
Alex:
Ew! Zombie Jimi Hendrix is hitting on you!
Kathleen:
[To Johnny Depp] Well? Defend my honor!
Johnny Depp:
Pfft, make Hugh Laurie do it.
Hugh Laurie:
Oh now really, you’re just being ridiculous. Despite the fact that I clearly possess a level of sophistication that she is unable to get from anyone else, Miss Kathleen must love... [urk] something about your.... [he looks sick] personality?
Kelti:
Oo, Hugh Laurie called you ‘Miss Kathleen’. If you don’t like him more now then... well... then... I don’t know what actually, something.
Kathleen:
Meh.
Hugh Laurie:
[Brandishing sword] En garde! I shall duel you for the lady’s honor!
Kathleen:
[To Alex and Kelti] When the hell did we go to the 19th century?
Kelti:
Actually, historically-
Alex:
Shut up.
Kathleen:
Anyways, I wouldn’t say my honor is really in question and... wait, where did you get the sword?
Hugh Laurie:
Napoleon is buried over by the guy from Pink Floyd.
Kelti:
I didn’t realize Napoleon was a musician.
Johnny Depp:
Flutist
Kathleen:
[Scoffing] Flutists aren’t real people.
Alex:
Hey!
Kathleen:
Oh come on, look me in the eye and tell me Flutists are people. Go on. Yeah, that’s right. I didn’t think so. Flutists totally aren’t people.
Johnny Depp:
Did Napoleon even have a sword?
Kelti:
Sure, in all those pictures you see of him...
Kathleen:
You mean the ones where he’s scratching his third nipple?
Kelti:
Yeah! He’s always got a sword in those.
Alex:
I don’t know, that seems awfully convenient...
Hugh Laurie:
My GOD you people are easily distracted by things, aren’t you?
[Long drawn out pause.]
Kathleen:
What do you mean... YOU people? [She is, incidently, white as printer paper.]
Hugh Laurie:
I’m trying to do something noble here! My god, you lot have the attention span of a gaggle of mongooses!
Alex:
Mongooses totally isn’t a word.
Kelti:
Would it be mongeese?
[As this pointless banter is taking place, Johnny Depp leans over Hugh Laurie’s shoulder.]
Johnny Depp:
[Whispering] Yess... Yess that’s right, duel Zombie Hendrix for Kathleen’s honor, she’ll love you forever.
[Moves to the other shoulder] And when you get your staunch, white British ass kicked, she’ll return to me!
[And back again.] You’ll be a hero!
[And once more] A dead hero! Yes, yes my precious...
Hugh Laurie:
[As he suddenly clues in to Johnny Depp standing over him] What the hell are you talking about?
Johnny Depp:
[Clears throat nervously] Erm, nothing. I was just... practicing my lines for... a... Friends episode I’m doing.
Hugh Laurie:
Ah... Wait, Friends has been over for years!
Johnny Depp:
Dammit! Just fight Hendrix and get your ass beat while you’re at it!
Kelti:
Mon....geeses?
Alex:
A gaggle of mongeeses?
Kathleen:
But a mongoose isn’t even remotely related to a normal goose. It’s some sort of rat-eating thing, isn’t it? They probably don’t come in gaggles let alone geeses.
Kelti:
It’s a double plural!
Alex:
Look at Hugh Laurie!
[Everyone turns as ‘All Along the Watchtower’ by Jimi Hendrix (The non-Zombified one) begins to play. Hugh Laurie has engaged Zombie Jimi Hendrix in a battle of epic proportions! A slash here! A stab there! My god, I wish you could all see this! Suddenly Laurie has Hendrix in a half-nelson. Hendrix breaks free and Laurie stumbles and hits a tombstone, Hendrix’s blade at his neck. What a battle!]
Kelti:
[Rolling her eyes] This is ridiculous. Someone get me a sword.
Kathleen:
Here, take this antique sword from the Swirly Vortex.
Hugh Laurie:
The what now?
Kathleen:
Oh that’s right, you weren’t here. The Swirly Vortex is a dimension within a dimension that is stocked with everything we could possibly need assuming the plot line calls for it. Cam made it, or found it, or... designed it. I don’t know. Either way we can blame any failings of it on him later on in the play! Until then [she hands Kelti the sword] Why do you want a sword?
Kelti:
Well someone has to defend your honor!
Kathleen:
I’m still not sure I understand how my honor is in question!
Alex:
Kitty, just let her play with her sword.
[Kelti basically jumps Hendrix and quickly bashes him down with her feisty sword techniques.]
Zombie Jimi Hendrix:
I surrender! I surrender!
Kelti:
But I was just getting started!
Kathleen:
Yeah, as much as I’m sure we’d all love to hear whatever crazy sexual innuendos are about to spout from your mouth Kel, I think we had better just snag the cube from Hendrix and get the hell out of here. So... [She turns to Hendrix] Where’s the cube piece?
Zombie Jimi Hendrix:
Aw man... [He shuffles over to an elaborate miniature replication of the Eiffel Tower and removes what can only be described as a very, very important piece from near the bottom because next thing they know the whole lot of it has come tumbling down.]
Zombie Jimi Hendrix:
There! You see what you made me do? Ten years totally wasted! There were little people in that building! Who will tell their families?!
Kathleen:
[To Johnny Depp] If this is what happens to a persons brain when they die and are reincarnated, I’m going to make sure they cut my head off before they bury me.
Johnny Depp:
I hear ya...
Alex:
So, we’ve got a new cube piece, that would make eight cubes for us officially.
Kelti:
Unless something has happened to the original seven which are still back on the deserted island.... Which means we’ve got to battle the pool boy and-
[Suddenly the floor drops away, the heroes are hurled into blackness. There’s lots of falling and screaming and a few profanities and then everything disappears. ]
