#8
Neverland
Neverland
Cube Count: Heroes, 6 Pool Boy: 0
[The camera fades in, which would suggest that this isn’t actually a Stage Play but more of a movie. Then again, how would one show a Swirly Vortex on stage? These questions, and many, many more, are what make this script so enjoyable. Anyways, we find our heroes waking up in a nice little glade, surrounded by woodland creatures and other crap like that. All very cheerful. As the heroes begin to stir we can hear the screaming of something from above. They glance up in time to see Johnny Depp, plummeting down from the sky.]
Johnny Depp:
–iiiiiiit! [He hits the ground in the middle of the glade between the heroes and glances painfully around.] I’m...not home yet, am I?
Kathleen:
Not unless home to you is a...wait, where are we?
Alex:
Judging by the – you know? I’m actually not sure.
Cam:
This is a pretty A-Typical looking glade. Maybe we’re in Battlestar Galactica Series Finale world.
Kathleen:
Hah! It was set in the past the whole time. Aaah...
Johnny Depp:
This is total bullshit! I want to go home!
Natalie:
What happened?
Johnny Depp:
The winged monkeys came along with a pair of scissors and cut the kite string.
[Everyone turns to stare at Kathleen who immediately gets defensive.]
Kathleen:
Don’t look at me! I wished for something that would actually come in handy...
Kelti:
Oh snap!
Spencer:
I want to go back to the Deserted Island.
Cam:
For the last time! You were there! Kathleen was there! Island natives were there! There was a complicated ecological system, totally self sustaining! Nothing about that world was Deserted in any way at all!
Spencer:
Yeah but... Well, I mean, come on. I can’t be the only person who called it the ‘Deserted Tropical Island’?
Kathleen:
Nope, definitely just you.
Alex:
I never said it.
Natalie:
Me neither.
Johnny Depp:
Definitely not deserted.
Cam:
Seems pretty obvious.
Spencer:
Well, fine. I’ll just go back there then, shall I?
Jessie:
[Scoffs] How’re you going to pull that one off, Einstein?
Spencer:
With a warp cube.
Natalie:
A what now?
Spencer:
I found these warp cubes in the Swirly Vortex. [He pulls out a gold cube with a question mark on it that looks suspiciously like one of those ‘?’ blocks found in Super Mario.] It lets you go back to worlds we’ve already been to. [They stare blankly at him for a moment.] Really? I was the only one who knew these existed? Pft, who’s the idiot now?
Kathleen:
All right, don’t get your knickers in a twist. Go back to the deserted island.
Spencer:
HA!
Kathleen:
Dammit! Just... just go, okay? And take someone with you. This team is getting ridiculously large.
Spencer:
I pick... [The rest of the heroes all jump up and down, trying to get his attention, much like every gym class I had in high school where I was picked last for dodgeball.]... Alex.
Alex:
Yess! Cable TV here I come!
[They touch the warp cube and disappear in a cloud of smoke.]
Kathleen:
Now... Let’s figure out where the hell we are...
[Scene changes to The Starship Enterprise where we see Cindal sneaking around, looking very... sneaky.]
Cindal:
Gotta find some food... So hungry... Let’s see... Ooh, Betty’s private quarters. Time to rudely root through her things. Let’s see here, knickers, bockers, knickerbockers, ooh, what do we have here? Her diary? Jackpot!
[She reads aloud]
Dear Log,
My efforts to take over John Doe Inc appear futile due to the persistence of The Man, who now requires several notarized documents stating my purpose. I have expanded my conquest to OZ and a certain special minions heart. I’ll keep you posted on how both of those are going. I saw a most unfortunate thing yesterday, a rather explicit tape of Spock and William. Honestly, who keeps those sort of things in a Little Mermaid case? But, why does William love Spock so much? Is it the pointy ears? The firm jaw line? The general height? I don’t think I shall ever know...
Cindal:
God, that was... Well that was just disturbing.
[Suddenly Betty and Steve-O enter the quarters.]
The Evil Betty:
What the hell are you doing here?
Cindal:
I was...um... Wait, why is your lipstick smudged? And why is he wearing your shirt? And why the hell do you both have that "I just got some look" on your faces?
The Evil Betty:
I have perfectly reasonable answers for all of those. My lipstick is smudged because it is the new in thing, he is wearing my shirt because his shrunk in the wash and we both have that look because we, uh, both did get some.
Cindal:
Oh, oh come on! Gross!
The Evil Betty:
Pft, I don’t have to explain myself to you! I am the Evil Betty! I do what I want!
Steve-O
[Examining the diary from over Cindal’s shoulder] Evidently so do Spock and Shatner.
The Evil Betty:
Oh that was totally uncalled for! I was going to make you executive assistant co-minion to Clive Cussler but you blew it! You are so gone but you’re never going to learn that because you are SO gone!
[Steve-O disappears in a puff of smoke]
Cindal:
You know, your teenage girl attitude makes it really difficult to take you seriously when you’re pissed off.
The Evil Betty:
You want to go where Steve-O, did? Keep talking, Babe.
Cindal:
[Clearing her throat nervously] So, is there a cafeteria around here?
[The scene changes back to the heroes, who are all sitting around the glade on rocks, clearly trying to figure out where they are.]
Jessie:
Tarzan Land?
Kathleen:
Too focussed, it’s got to be something broader... preferably not Disney so we don’t get sued.
Cam:
Somehow I think getting sued by Disney is the least of our problems by now.
Natalie:
What about Tonga? Think maybe we’re in Tonga?
Kelti:
That’s a real place, why would we be in a real place?
Natalie:
Hey, at least I’m suggesting something rational! What was it you came up with? Sweaty Man-Tart World? Please...
Kelti:
You seemed to like the idea at the time.
Natalie:
I still like the idea, but that doesn’t mean it’s plausible.
Johnny Depp:
[Snapping his fingers] Neverland.
Kathleen:
Oo! That’s my favourite negatively titled place, right after Hopelessly Cynical World and every family reunion I’ve ever been to.
Jessie:
What would make you say Neverland?
Johnny Depp:
Deus ex Machina?
Jessie:
Good enough for me! So what do we do? In OZ we followed the actual story line, think it’s the same here?
Kathleen:
I’m somehow doubting it. [She gestures off to the distance where there is, by all appearances, a young man watching them from the brush. He is dressed a bit like Peter Pan, although a little more raggedly, and has a wealth of beard upon his chin.]
Johnny Depp:
...Peter Pan?
Peter Pan:
Johnny Depp? [He jumps out of the bush.] You came back for me! Look, Johnny, look! I told you I wouldn’t grow up! [Getting angry] Look at how I didn’t grow up!
Kathleen:
[Snickering] Um, Johnny? What’s with... that?
Johnny Depp:
I swear to god I have no ide- wait... Did I go to school with you?
Peter Pan:
[Nodding his head earnestly] We said we’d never grow up! Just look at me! As young and spry as I was thirty years ago! [He turns his back and sneaks a smoke.]
Johnny Depp:
Peter... Panpanoni?
Peter Pan:
Nope, just Pan now. I did a couple films in the 80's and they told me ‘Panpanoni’ wasn’t very marketable.
Kathleen:
That must have been difficult.. What with you never ‘growing up’, huh?
Peter Pan:
That’s what natural enlargement with herbs is for.
Jessie:
So uh [clears her throat] Where are the lost boys?
Peter Pan:
Dunno.
Jessie:
You... don’t know?
Peter Pan:
Yeah [he takes a drag from the cigarette] I lost them.
Jessie:
Of course you did.
Cam:
Say Peter, you haven’t seen a cube piece around here anywhere, have you?
Peter Pan:
What sort of cube?
Cam:
What do you mean, what sort of cube? How many different types of cubes can you get?
Peter Pan:
Big cubes, little cubes, cubes inside of octagons, cubes inside of octamoms...
Kathleen:
[Narrowing eyes] There is something really, very wrong with you, isn’t there?
Peter Pan:
You probably just have a problem with my youthful enthusiasm, seeing as how you’re obviously a bitter old hag.
Kathleen:
Yeah, that’s it.
Peter Pan:
Listen, if you don’t mind it’s almost noon, so I’ve got to go rescue Princess Tigerlily from Captain Hook.
Kelti:
You go do that, we won’t be here when you get back.
Peter Pan:
S’cool. [He stubs out the cigarette.] So Johnny, how’s about we go get some drinks later.
Johnny Depp:
[Sarcasm alert] Ooh sorry, you’re under age and everything, I won’t be a party to your early onset alcoholism.
Peter Pan:
[Shrugging] Whatever, man. Catch you dudes later. [He flies off, sort of erratically as if maybe he’s on something. Or possibly that large ponch he’s got going on has something to do with it. It’s very hard to say at this point.]
Kathleen:
My one regret is that we didn’t get any fairy dust from him so we could fly.
Natalie:
Why don’t we just crush up some of your prescription dru-
Kathleen:
That is enough bashing my drugs! Find something else to make fun of!
Jessie:
Maybe we should go find some fairies? We can just get the dust for ourselves.
Kelti:
Good thinking, except... Where?
Cam:
Well, there is that sign over there. [Everyone turns in the direction he is pointing. A large neon sign reads "Fairies. This way." with an arrow.]
Jessie:
Now THAT is deus ex machina.
[The heroes tramp through the underbrush, following the signs until they get to a quaint little treed area with lots of flowers and miniature housing developments.]
Johnny Depp:
[Looking into the first mini house.] I hate to be the bearer of bad news but... this house is full of a bunch of mini corpses.
Natalie:
This one too. Hey, hey Kat. Maybe [snicker] Maybe they took all your medic- [A glare from Kathleen] I’ll shut up now.
Cam:
Well, how did they deal with this in the play, and numerous movies, and books, and made-for-tv movies, and spinoffs, and-
Jessie:
We get it, Cam. Peter Pan always encouraged the audience to clap and announce proudly that they believe in fairies.
[An awkward glance is exchanged between the heroes.]
Cam:
Well, I’m not going to say it.
Natalie:
Me neither.
Kelti:
Don’t look at me.
Jessie:
I don’t believe, and I’d hate to be a liar.
Kathleen:
Oh, for the love of Pete. Okay, I’ll say it. You lot can just chime in and say you were rolling with it, okay? [She takes a deep breath and announces loudly] I DO believe in fairies! [She begins to clap her hands] I do believe in fairies!
[Everyone nervously begins to join in]
Kelti:
It’s not good enough! We aren’t fairy enough!
Natalie:
[Breaking the fourth barrier] Hey you, yeah you! Person reading this! You’ve got to help us! No matter where you are or what you’re doing right now, stand up, start clapping really loudly and tell everyone around you that you believe in fairies! If they give you a what the fuck sort of look just tell them they wouldn’t understand really smugly! Hurry! We need fairy power!
[Assuming you have followed Natalie’s instructions, the fairies begin to rise up. However, if you haven’t, the Evil Betty wins, humanity is destroyed, and Edjuardo kicks a whole bunch of puppies off a cliff. I hope you’re proud of yourselves.]
[‘The Mission Remix’ by Ennio Morricone begins to play, just that first part, that sounds all triumphant. The fairies begin to rise up, and look around, fairly stunned by the whole process.]
Fairy #1:
What the hell are you guys doing?
[The applause and cries die down.]
Cam:
Erm... trying to bring you back to life?
Fairy #1:
...Uhm...
Natalie:
You looked really dead.
Fairy #2:
We were sleeping. Fairies are very deep sleepers.
Jessie:
Really?
Fairy #2:
Yes. Or, if I was honest, no. Okay, so we actually were dying, we’re just too proud to admit it.
Johnny Depp:
Okay, so... You’re welcome.
Fairy #1:
Yeah, yeah. So what do you want?
Kathleen:
We were sort of hoping we could get a blast of some fairy dust from you so we can fly.
Fairy #2:
Pfft, yeah, like that’s going to happen.
Natalie:
Hey Kelti, guess what?
Kelti:
What?
Natalie:
I don’t believe in fairies.
[All at once the fairies fall over.]
Kathleen:
That probably wasn’t the best way to get them to cooperate.
Natalie:
I know, but it was really, really funny.
Kathleen:
Meh. Okay, so I do believe in fairies, bla bla bla. [The fairies get back up] You going to cooperate now?
Fairy #1:
[Bristling] No! Sunnuvabitch! Piss off you grotty little wankers!
Natalie:
Hey, hey Kelti, guess what?
Kelti:
What?
Natalie:
I don’t believe in-
Fairy #1:
Okay, okay! Here, take this bag that looks suspiciously like a kilo of cocaine.
Jessie:
What do we do with it?
Fairy #2:
Well, we usually snort it out of the crests in the naked butt cheeks of 80's film stars, but you can just sprinkle the stuff on wherever. It’ll give you a high you won’t believe.
Johnny Depp:
[Whispering to Kathleen] I can’t tell if they’re talking about flying or not.
Kathleen:
Oh, they’re talking about flying all right. Just not the type we want. [She hesitantly reaches for the bag of cocaine and then nods to Cam, who quickly scoops up a handful of fairies. Slicing the bag open with a pocket knife, she tests the cocaine, or something, I don’t know.] Just as I thought. Uncut. This stuff can kill, you know? Cam, if you’d please do the honours?
[Cam is quick to throw fairies at everyone. They explode upon impact, showering the heroes in sparkles and dust.]
Kelti:
Look at how sparkly I am! I feel like Edward Cullen, except, you know, less creepy and stalkerish.
Kathleen:
...Really?
Kelti:
[Hangs head in shame] No.
Jessie:
Does this mean we can fly?
Johnny Depp:
Think of something really happy first... [He scrunches up his face and thinks.]... Winning a well-deserved Oscar, winning a well-deserved Oscar...
Natalie:
Elijah Wood, Elijah Wood...
Jessie:
Lord of the Rings, Lord of the Rings...
Kathleen:
Tramacet, tramacet...
Cam:
Anime World...
Kelti:
Sex! Sex! Sex! [Apparently it works, she lifts off of the ground and everyone follows.]
Fairy #2:
Yeah, you better fly away you bastards! If I ever see your face around here again I’ll–
[Far in the distance we can hear Natalie scream "I don’t believe in faaaaaaairiiiiiiiiieeeeeeees!" All the fairies fall down, dead.]
[As our heroes are drifting listlessly high above Nerverland we can hear ‘Defying Gravity’ from Wicked playing in the background. Of course this makes Kathleen laugh...]
Kathleen:
Ha! Bet Alex is wishing she wasn’t lounging around with her cable tv on the deserted island now!
[Scene changes briefly to Alex, sitting on a beach with Spencer, being fed grapes by a shirtless poolboy, drinking a mojito, and flipping through 300 channels of friends reruns.]
Alex:
Meh, it sort of balances out in the end.
[Scene changes back to the heroes.]
Kathleen:
Okay, here’s the plan- Cam! No loop-de-loops! It’s like trying to control a bunch of kindergarteners. Okay, we’re going to split up, all right? Kelti, with me. We’re going to check out the pirate ship. Cam and Johnny, go see what’s up with the Piccaninny tribe...
Johnny Depp:
But then I’ll have to see Panpanoni!
Kathleen:
No whining! You’re probably the only one who can control him. Jessie and Nat, I want you to search the island for Edjuardo and make sure he doesn’t get to that cube piece. Everyone good?
Natalie:
[Kicking invisible rock] I don’t want to go find Edjuardo.
Kathleen:
Natalie, beggers can’t be choosers.
Natalie:
But moooooom...
Kathleen:
No buts. We’ll meet back at the glade in an hour, okay? Break!
[The camera follows Kathleen and Kelti as they fly off towards the Bay where a very large pirate ship, aptly named The Slightly Morose Roger, is sitting. Aboard they can see several large overgrown men tied up by several other large overgrown men, arguing quite loudly.]
Kelti:
What’s with guys and yelling, seriously?
Kathleen:
Seriously, dude. Come on, let’s go see what’s up.
[They land on deck and find that the men who are tied up are dressed in alarmingly small, tight childrens clothes, while the others are clearly pirates. Yar. Captain Hook, as this wouldn’t be Neverland without him, is sitting off to the side, looking bored and totally unthreatening in almost every way.]
Kathleen:
Hey, hey Captain. What’s going on here?
Captain Hook:
[Looking up leisurely.] Hey, how’d you get on board? Never mind, I don’t want to know. What do you want?
Kelti:
We were just flying around and heard all the hub bub. Who’re the dudes in the skimpy clothes?
Captain Hook:
Lost boys.
Kelti:
Erm... But... they’re not boys.
Captain Hook:
I know, right?
Kathleen:
Okay, well... I don’t know about you, Kelti, but I don’t feel like getting caught up in inner-world politics right now? [Kelti shakes her head.] So, um, Captain Hook, what can you tell us about Peter Pan?
Captain Hook:
You mean Peter Panponini? Yeah, that’s right, I know his real name. The first movie he did was called "Never-Stop-Please Land." Big hit in the adult film industry.
Kelti:
[Awkward] Actually, we weren’t asking about his 80's porn career.
Captain Hook:
Oh, well.. Um, he suffers from a growth hormone impediment, which is why he looks like he’s about twelve. He’s really forty-three. I don’t know, he’s cracked like a nut or something because he thinks he’s still a preteen like he was thirty years ago. It used to be just a cute little imagination thing, but when all the Lost Boys grew up he just sort of snapped like a dry and brittle twig and refused to let them go home.
Kathleen:
So, the Lost Boys aren’t insane?
Captain Hook:
Not even close. Tootles managed to escape for a few years when he was nineteen and became a surgeon, but Peter found him and cut off his hands. Those marbles are pretty useless now.
Kelti:
If you know they aren’t insane, why do you have them tied up?
Captain Hook:
Very simple answer, that. We decided as a group that our best option was to continue playing Peter’s game while secretly trying to kill him. The Twins got pretty close a while back but Peter tossed them to those Stephenie Meyermaids in the harbour and... well, they ate the kids whole. So every few days the Lost Boys let themselves get kidnapped by my people, we take them here and think of new ways to knock off Peter, then he comes and ‘rescues’ them and the whole nasty process continues.
Kathleen:
That’s horrible!
Captain Hook:
I’ll say! Why couldn’t he just go buy himself like a convertible like every other middle aged guy?
Kelti:
So why are your people arguing with the Lost Boys if you’re all on the same side?
Captain Hook:
Well, the Lost Boys think we ought to resort to poisoning, but Smee’s arguing that those damn fairies keep drinking all his medicine. They’re as vindictive as a Paris runway model.
Kathleen:
Well, I’m sorry we can’t help you out with that.
Captain Hook:
No worries, we’ll figure it out eventually. I mean, this is just one really dumb game of pretend. He’s got to get bored of it eventually, right? [Captain Hook takes off the hook on his hand and proceeds to screw on a prosthetic limb that is clutching a cigarette, which he lights up.]
Kelti:
I don’t know, thirty-years and counting, that’s got to be a bad sign.
Captain Hook:
Oh, we’ll get him. Mark my words.
Kathleen:
So, have you by any chance seen a Rubix Cube around here?
Captain Hook:
[Replaces cigarette holding hand with a head scratching hand and...well, scratches his head.] ...No, can’t say that I have. Knowing that retard Pan though, he’s probably got it in his hide out and is calling it a condom or something idiotic like that.
Kelti:
If you see one can you let us know? It’s sort of important.
Captain Hook:
And what’s in it for me?
Kathleen:
Well, we could always help you out with your little over-grown child issue.
Captain Hook:
[Replaces head scratching hand with hand shaking hand.] You’ve got yourselves a deal. You lot better split though, he should be flying by pretty soon.
Kelti:
[To Kathleen] Let’s get back to the glade and wait for the others.
[The scene changes to Jessie and Natalie soaring over the island, trying to spy either Edjuardo or some kind of convenience store because Jessie is hungry and Natalie has to use the bathroom.]
Jessie:
Nat, just go in a bush!
Natalie:
No way, last time of that I mistook-
Jessie:
Let me guess, you used poison ivy to wipe?
Natalie:
What? No, I’m not an idiot... It was a venus flytrap.
Jessie:
[Wincing] Ooh. Hey! Look, someone’s written SOB on the ground!
Natalie:
SOB? What’s SOB?
Jessie:
Son of a bitch?
Natalie:
Yeah, but how does that apply to Neverland?
Jessie:
Maybe it’s supposed to be SOS? Let’s go find out.
[They land in a small glade-ish area and look around, hoping to find sign of human life.]
Natalie:
I swear to god, if this becomes some sort of retarded ‘Lost’ homage I’m going to kill something.
[There is a rustling in the nearby brush, again. Natalie and Jessie exchange worried looks and then carefully approach the bushes. Jessie picks up the nearest pointed stick and prods the bush carefully. Suddenly, and totally without warning, two bodies covered from head to toe in leaves tumble out.]
Wendy:
Oh, thank god! You’re not with him are you?
Natalie:
With who?
Wendy:
[Glances around and whispers] ... Peter Pan!
Jessie:
Nope, we’re strangers here. And you don’t have to whisper, he’s gone to save Princess Tigerlily.
Michael:
[Clutching the head of his teddy bear] He can’t! She’s dead! [Craaaazy eyes]
Natalie:
What do you mean she’s dead? What happened to her?
Michael:
Offed herself four years ago. Couldn’t take it anymore. Wanted to be physiotherapist. Pan’s taken the game of pretend too far!
Wendy:
I’m sorry about Michael. He hasn’t been the same since... Since John... [Sobs] I can’t, it’s too painful. [She pulls John’s top hat out of nowhere and clutches it to her breast] Oh John! If only you closed the door behind you, he never would have gotten back in!
Natalie:
Well don’t leave us hanging. What happened?
Wendy:
About eight years back John made an escape attempt. Got back to Kensington Gardens but forgot to close the door behind him. Peter got him that night. He...He [more hapless sobbing.]
Michael:
[Stoically] He sliced him from navel to neck.
Jessie:
I am never playing pretend again.
Wendy:
We’ve been running from Peter ever since... He won’t let anyone go home! The pirates and the Lost Boys have gotten together and are trying to kill him but... it’s useless! No one can stop Peter Pan! Not even syphilis... Which is what he has, incidently. Something about a couple films from the 80's. I’m not sure what’s going on there to be perfectly honest.
Natalie:
Don’t worry, we’ll deal with Pan. You guys should hide though, and uhm... maybe work on your spelling while you’re at it.
Wendy:
We’ve got a hideout, there’s this newcomer to Neverland. He’s looking for a... [takes on a Spanish accent] el cubeo mundo. Whatever the hell that is.
Jessie:
[Hissing] The Pool Boy! You haven’t seen a cube piece, have you?
Wendy:
No, just like we told him-
Michael:
Cubes breathe fire and lead us to the land of milk and coffee...
Wendy:
Again, I apologize. He’s not what he used to be.
Michael:
I smell sulphur happiness! Bath me in anti-pesto, god!
Natalie:
This is very important, think... did Edjuardo say where he was going?
Wendy:
No, but I’d bet he’s gone to recruit the New Lost Boys to his cause.
Jessie:
There are more Lost Boys?
Wendy:
Sure, Peter goes back to London every year and takes more. He’s determined to find some that won’t grow up. About twenty years ago he got his hands on Kiefer Sutherland...
Natalie:
There is something seriously screwed with this timeline, you know that?
Wendy:
You really think we’re worried about a timeline when we’re stuck in some insane persons childhood delusions?
Michael:
Lo, I am the wicked sea kitten of Abudabi! I have naught but my weasel lips to give me strength during the coming darkness! [He grabs Jessie] Beware, girl with bow and arrow, I have seen the apocalypse and it brings sand and water to a head in an epic battle.
Jessie:
Um... I’m sorry to hear that?
Michael:
As am I. [Calming down.] Also, there will be lots of cake.
Natalie:
Hurray!
Jessie:
I think we’d better get going, Nat. Those new Lost Boys might be as deluded as Panpanoni is. And you [she turns to Wendy] You can’t trust the pool boy. If you see him, tell him that you saw the cube up a tree or something. He can’t get it, understand? No matter what, he can’t get it!
Wendy:
Yeah, all right. Come on, Michael...
Michael:
Double, bubble, toil and trouble! I am Shakespeare’s left kidney and I drink malt liquor!
[Michael and Wendy disappear into the bushes again. The scene changes to Cam and Johnny Depp who are in the middle of a large, very stereotyped Native camp ground.]
Cam:
How?
Johnny Depp:
That is so inappropriate.
Cam:
No, no I mean how do they make teepee’s upside down like that?
Chief Pretty-Slow-Turtle:
It took some time. We’re calling it nouvelle chic.
Cam:
I call it pointless.
Johnny Depp:
Please excuse my young counter part. He’s very socially awkward. [Begins making outrageous hand gestures and speaking very slowly.] We’re from a distant land! We are looking for a *cube piece*! We need it to save *our* world and *yours*. Can. You. Help. Us?
Chief Pretty-Slow-Turtle:
No. Stupid. White. Man. You. Insult. Our. Culture. And. Our. Intelligence.
Cam:
Ignore him. Listen, we’re looking for a cube. It’s part of this giant Rubix Cube of Evil thing, and...
Squaking-Road-Kill
What, did you steal that from South Park?
Cam:
What?
Squaking-Road-Kill:
Yeah, the latest episode of South Park. Butters was showing Cartmen around his evil hideout and there was this Cube of Chaos...
Johnny Depp:
Sunnuvabitch! They stole our idea!
Cam:
Now, calm down, Johnny. Maybe there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for it...
Johnny Depp:
Yeah, that they stole it! This is total bullshit! We should sue!
Squaking-Road-Kill:
Yeah, sue the writers of South Park. Because that hasn’t happened before.
Johnny Depp:
Well, maybe I’ll just write a very strongly worded letter!
Running-Albatross:
That’ll strike fear into their hearts!
Chief Pretty-Slow-Turtle:
If you’re here to talk about the many ways your stupid little adventure coincides for five seconds with a single South Park episode, I’m going to go. I’ve got better things to do.
Johnny Depp:
No, no. I’ll let it go... for now. It doesn’t change the fact that we’re still looking for a piece of a Rubix Cube of Evil. Have you seen one around?
Slightly-Irate-Penguin:
I think maybe Rosey-Sea-Kitten saw one last week when Panpanoni took her to his hideout.
Cam:
Dammit! Where can we find this hideout?
Slighty-Irate-Penguin:
You’d have to ask Rosey-Sea-Kitten.
Cam:
Where can we find her?
Slighty-Irate-Penguin:
Let’s see... It’s Wednesday... So she’s probably getting interrupted from picking berries right about now. He has this thing about fresh fruit, everyone needs to be saved from it or some bullshit like that.
Running-Albatross:
Must be a white man thing.
Johnny Depp:
All right. We’ll go rescue her I guess then.
Running-Albatross:
No need, she’s part amazonian, she just humours Panpanoni so he doesn’t get more irate and difficult to deal with.
Squaking-Road-Kill:
It’s a sacrifice we greatly appreciate.
Cam:
You know, I think we should probably leave before these names become even more offensive.
Johnny Depp:
Oh lighten up Robust-Pumpkin-Head.
[They fly off and the scene changes to yet another glade, probably close to the other glade. Not the one with SOB written on the ground but where the heroes woke up originally. Anyways, Edjuardo is there with the new Lost Boys (Kiefer Sutherland amongst them).]
Edjuardo:
It’s very simple. You shoot down the Kathleen Bird, it will make Peter very happy.
Lost Boy #1:
We’re nine. We’re not going to shoot anyone.
Edjuardo:
Not even for Peter? [Raises eyebrow] You know what Peter does when he’s upset.
[The Lost Boys all exchange very nervous glances and sigh.]
Lost Boy #2:
Well, I have bad aim.
Lost Boy #3:
Yeah, and I have shaky hands. Make Kiefer Sutherland do it!
Kiefer Sutherland:
I’m not shooting anyone!
Edjuardo:
Remember Pan, Kiefer...
[After a moment of consideration and lots of crude encouragements by the rest of the Lost Boys, Kiefer Sutherland reluctantly takes the bow and arrow.]
Edjuardo:
Brilliant! She should be flying in any moment. Just make sure you aim to kill, okay?
Kiefer Sutherland:
Right, okay... [He looks totally unprepared and anti-Jack-Bauer, who probably would have used the gun on the nearest Lost Boy and then shattered Edjuardo’s vertebrae with a cold stare.]
[In the distance we can see the heroes returning to the glade with Kathleen at the helm. Kiefer aims looses the arrow! The heroes scream for Kathleen to look out but it’s too late, the arrow strikes, and she falls.]
Kiefer Sutherland:
Oh god, what have I done?!
Kelti:
Shit! Kathleen! [She dives towards the forest floor, the others follow.]
[‘Ritornare’ by Ludovico Einaudi begins to play as the scene changes to a lovely little forest space, the heroes all land and begin searching the brush anxiously trying to find Kathleen, who is not answering their cries.]
Cam:
I found her, over here!
Kelti:
Oh my god, she’s been shot in the heart!
Jessie:
That’s not funny at all!
[Suddenly, much to their amazement, Kathleen moves.]
Kathleen:
Gaaa... that really stings. [She sits up.] Falling from the sky, how embaressing...
Johnny Depp:
Kathleen, you’ve got an ARROW in your heart!
Kathleen:
What? [She glances down] Oh, wow, that sucks. Wait a minute... [She braces herself then pulls the arrow out and tosses it aside. Everyone gapes as she reaches into the vortex, pulls out a bottle of meds, and pops a handful of pills.] That’s better. So, what happened?
Natalie:
Wait, wait, wait! Kiefer Sutherland’s coming! Quick, lay down and look dead! Maybe we can guilt him into joining our side!
Kelti:
No good! The arrows out of her!
Natalie:
Well, put it back in! [She grabs the arrow and stabs Kathleen back in the chest.]
Kathleen:
OW!
Natalie:
Shut up and lay still, you’re supposed to be dead! Everyone look sad.
[Kiefer Sutherland approaches through the woods and finds everyone frozen in a very dramatic tableaux, posing around an apparently dead Kathleen.]
Kiefer Sutherland:
Oh god, no!
[There is a snicker from somewhere amongst the heroes, which sets of a chain reaction of giggles. The next thing we know, Kathleen is sitting up again, pulling out the arrow (again) and laughing her head off.]
Kathleen:
Should have seen your face, Sutherland! That was awesome! Did anyone else see it?
Johnny Depp:
[Laughing as well] He was all "Uhh, what have I done!? Sob sob sob!"
Kiefer Sutherland:
That’s not funny!
Kathleen:
You shot me, dickweed! It was the least we could do! Now Cam, if you would be so kind please open up my pills again, as I appear to have lost all feeling in my hands.
Jessie:
So why’d you shoot her, huh?
Kiefer Sutherland:
Some Mexican told me if I did it Peter Pan wouldn’t be such an asshole and then I could go home.
Kelti:
Oh, well, you can’t trust Mexicans. [Everyone stops to stare at her.] What?
Johnny Depp:
[Shaking his head] She means you can’t trust Poolboy’s named Edjuardo. If you want to go home, you can- [He stops midsentence as Kathleen begins laughing again] Are... you okay?
Kathleen:
No, no, please go on. It just hit me that... you’re Johnny Depp and we’re hunting for a Cube of Evil. [She continues to laugh.]
Kiefer Sutherland:
Yeah, holy crap you’re Johnny Depp! What are you doing here?
Johnny Depp:
[Shrugs] It’s something to do. Anyways, we’ll get you home, but you’ve got to help us.
Kiefer Sutherland:
...What do I have to do?
Cam:
You say that as if you’ve had to do lots of really nasty things in the not-so-distant past.
Kiefer Sutherland:
I don’t want to talk about Canada!
Kelti:
Listen, me and Druggie McGee here were talking to Captain Hook and I guess Pan has some growth hormone issue and now he’s convinced himself he’ll never grow up. If we kill him, the pirates will help us get the cube piece.
Johnny Depp:
Which is in Pan’s hideout, the Piccaninny tribe told us.
Natalie:
So great, we just have to get to the hideout and get the cube back and we can pretend this world never existed.
Jessie:
I wouldn’t be so sure about this. [She motions up to the sky where a large group of people carrying various complicated weapons are descending.]
Kiefer Sutherland:
Oh shit! It’s the Lost Boys! Run! [He escapes.]
Kathleen:
[Still snickering] What a douchebag... Wait, I don’t want to be caught by Peter Pan!
Kelti:
Kat, you’re riding one hell of a dragon, huh?
Kathleen:
[Spreads her arms wide] Wooo!
Jessie:
Shit, what do we do?
Johnny Depp:
We’ve got to be caught, they’ll take us to Pan’s hideout!
Kelti:
Yeah, except then we’ll be caught. And you haven’t seen these old Lost Boys. They are hefty pieces of meat.
Natalie:
I think it might be a little too late to argue about it.
[The heroes look around to find themselves totally surrounded by Lost Boys, both new and old.]
Peter Pan:
Are you plotting against me?
Johnny Depp:
No... or if we’re honest, yes.
Peter Pan:
[Gasp] Johnny! I trusted you! Take them back to the super secret hideout!
Nibs:
But sir, you heard them. That plays right into their plan-
Peter Pan:
Just do it!
[The scene changes to the heroes all tied up and sitting on the floor of an underground dirt hut.]
Cam:
Brilliant plan, Johnny Depp. Got any other winners up there?
Johnny Depp:
At least I gave a suggestion.
Kathleen:
Now isn’t the time to fight, you guys.
Kelti:
Kathleen! You’re not drugged up anymore!
Kathleen:
Yeah! And you know what? Getting shot with an arrow fucking hurts, man! Especially when someone stabs you with it a second time!
Natalie:
I panicked!
Kathleen:
You always panic! That’s you’re excuse for everything!
Natalie:
Well, at least I-
[As Kathleen and Natalie argue, Kelti catches the eyes of Peter Pan who was staring at her for some very creepy reason I’m sure. ‘Obsessed With You’ by The Orion Experience begins to play in the background. There is that whole a-typical dreamy glaze going over both of their faces plus that whole close up thing. You know what I mean.]
Peter Pan:
Tinky Winky, bring me that one!
Kathleen:
[As they begin to untie Kelti.] Hey! Hey you can’t have her! She’s mine!
Peter Pan:
I find myself enchanted with you... Are you my mother?
Kelti:
No. Are you Oedipus?
Peter Pan:
Perhaps in a previous life I was, and perhaps you were the Queen...
Kelti:
You suck at flirting, you know that?
Peter Pan:
May I... give you a kiss?
Kelti:
You don’t have to ask! [She closes her eyes and puckers up. A moment later Peter Pan sticks a thimble between her lips. Kelti spits it out, knocking Jessie on the head.] What the hell was that?
Peter Pan:
It is a kiss!
Kelti:
That ain’t no kiss, buddy.
Peter Pan:
Is so! Wendy showed me!
Kelti:
That Wendy bitch knows nothing of kisses! Pucker up, baby. Momma’s coming home!
Peter Pan:
I need an adult! I NEED AN ADULT!
Kathleen:
You’re forty-three, grow up!
[Everyone in the room becomes very still.]
Peter Pan:
[Hissing] What... did you say to me?
Kathleen:
I told you to grow up you wimpy, growth-hormone deprived middle-aged freak! This isn’t a fucking game anymore! The world is going to be destroyed and you’re too busy playing with prepubescent boys to notice!
Johnny Depp:
I was wondering who would say that first. Cam, five bucks.
Cam:
You’ll get your money when my hands are untied, but I maintain you should be the last person making smarmy comments about playing an elaborate game of dress up with people twenty years younger than him.
Peter Pan:
[Looks positively livid.] Why you... you.... Wench!
Natalie:
Oh come on!
[In a moment of fury Peter grabs the nearest arrow and stabs it into Kathleen. She cries out, more out of annoyance than anything else.]
Kathleen:
Dude! That really fucking hurts!
Peter Pan:
Wha-? That should have killed you!
Jessie:
[Scoffing] Please, nothing can kill her.
Cam:
Yeah, she’s a bionic woman.
Johnny Depp:
She tried uncut cocaine and then took a handful of pills in the space of an hour. You really think getting stabbed with an arrow is going to slow her down?
Peter Pan:
This... this doesn’t make any sense! You’re an adult! You have a realistic concept of time and death! You should be dead!
Kathleen:
[Still only slightly annoyed] Maybe YOU should grow up. [Scoffing] Dickweed...
[Just as Peter is about to strike out again, the door to the hut bursts open. In comes not only the Piccaninny tribe but the pirates from the Slightly Morose Roger, being led not only by Captain Hook by Kiefer Sutherland!]
Everyone:
Hurray!
[‘Hametsu’ from the FFX-2 soundtrack begins to play and a slightly epic battle ensues. Somewhere in the fray Kiefer Sutherland tosses Kelti a sword and she frees her friends, all of whom take on weapons of their choices. Jessie will undoubtedly have her bow and arrow, Johnny Depp probably has a pirate sword, Cam I imagine having one badass sledgehammer, Natalie with a mace, and Kathleen with her own two fists and some knives. One by one the new Lost Boys are taken down (evidently no one cares they’re only nine and ten years old.) While the Old Lost Boys join the ranks of the pirates. At last, the heroes have Peter surrounded.]
Kathleen:
[Still with arrow in chest] Give it up Peter. We just want the cube piece. You give us that and we’ll let you go.
Peter Pan:
No way! You just want to turn me into a man!
Kelti:
Yes! I mean, no... not at all.
Peter Pan:
I shall never surrender!
Kathleen:
[Shrugging] Suit yourself. [She pulls the arrow out of her for a third time and hands it to Jessie.] Jess, if you’d do the honours.
Peter Pan:
[Being irritatingly triumphant] To die shall be an awfully big adventure!
Johnny Depp:
Actually, you know, you’re just going to become a rotting corpse somewhere...
[Just as a horrified look appears on Peter’s face, Jessie shoots him with the boy and arrow. He falls over dead. Yay! ‘Terra’s Theme’ The FFVI Concert version begins to play.]
Kathleen:
Thank god that’s over with. Hey, does anyone have a bandaid?
Cam:
[Reaching around in the Swirly Vortex.] Hey, Colbert. You see a box of Hello Kitty Bandaids down there?... Yeah, great, thanks. [He pulls out a Hello Kitty Bandaid and hands it to Kathleen who carefully applies it over the gaping hole in her chest.]
Kathleen:
Much better. Now let’s find that cube piece.
Kiefer Sutherland:
[Gasping from a spot on the floor] You’re, urgh... too late...
Kelti:
Aw man, who mortally wounded Kiefer Sutherland?
Kiefer Sutherland:
[Gasp] Hook... [Ache] betrayed you... He took the cube.... Made... [Agony] a deal with... [Gasp] Edjuardo...
Natalie:
Just hold on, Jack Bauer! We’ll get you help. [She turns away] Stick him in the Vortex.
[Cam heaves Kiefer into the Swirly Vortex with that a-typical falling sound that is easily replicated by whistling.]
Cam:
Look out below!
Kathleen:
[Scoffing] Pfft, he got shot once. What a wuss.
Johnny Depp:
Not all of us can be bionic, Kathleen. Now what are we going to do about Hook?
Kelti:
Well obviously we have to go after him. We need that cube piece!
[They race outside the hideout in time to see Hook and the rest of the pirates flying away (for some reason)]
Kathleen:
HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!
[In the distance we can see Hook unscrew his sword-holding-hand and replace it with a flipping-the-bird hand.]
Natalie:
Just great, now what?
Jessie:
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m out of fairy juice, and I don’t think we’re going to be able to get anymore, ‘least not from the same place.
Kathleen:
Well, there’s one fairy we still haven’t tried...
Cam:
Oh no, she’s a total nutjob. Everyone knows that.
Johnny Depp:
Yeah, I’m sorry but Tinkerbell is a psycho bitch. She’s probably a hired assassin on the side.
Kathleen:
We’ve got to get to that pirate ship and they’re probably halfway out to sea by now. It’s our only way.
Kelti:
Okay, sure, but where the hell are we going to find her?
Kathleen:
I don’t know! I gave you an idea and a pretty damn good one at that! You come up with the rest! Someone hand me more drugs.
Princess Rosey-Sea-Kitten:
[Appearing out of nowhere.] I can take you to Tink.
Kathleen:
Ga! [She jumps and wrenches her injured side] Aah, ah ow...
Princess Rosey-Sea-Kitten:
Nice bandaid. Anyways, like I was saying, I can take you to Tink. She, uh, she makes her presence pretty known around here.
Johnny Depp:
What’s that supposed to mean? [Rosey-Sea-Kitten hands him a flyer] Tink’s Tune Up Shop for the Erectiley Deficient and... [He glances up] Pie shop?
Natalie:
Kinky.
Princess Rosey-Sea-Kitten:
Yeah, just because Peter Pan didn’t doesn’t grow up doesn’t mean the rest of us have to stay limp and hungry.
Johnny Depp:
But... how? I don’t understand how it would work.
Princess Rosey-Sea-Kitten:
Trust me, you really, really don’t want to know.
Cam:
Oh god, my imagination is starting to kick in! Someone do something!
Kelti:
PARIS HILTON NAKED.
Cam:
[Look of relief] Ah... Wait... AH!!
Kathleen:
You’re not allowed to use your imagination anymore, Kelti.
Princess Rosey-Sea-Kitten:
Hey, do you want to see Tinkerbell or not?
Jessie:
At this point I’m going to say not. Unfortunately we have to do it eventually so... [sighs] lead the way.
[Scene changes and we find our heroes inside a seedy, smokey, sex den. There are tables set up, covered in pies; banana cream, key lime, coconut, lemon meringue, you name it and there is a pie type there. Most of the older Lost Boys are sitting around in fairy dust hazes, slumped over chairs and drooling or eating pie, and sometimes both.]
Princess Rosey-Sea-Kitten:
Try not to bump any of them. Quick movements incite them to violence.
[The heroes manage to successfully follow the Princess to the back of the Pie Den (Ha ha ha! Graham cracker crust.) They enter a small room that has those atypical green room mirrors and lights.]
Princess Rosey-Sea-Kitten:
Hey Tinkerbell, I’ve brought some people to see you.
[The heroes look around the room but can’t see any sign of the fairy, which isn’t unusual because obviously a fairy is very tiny. Dur. Suddenly a golden light begins zipping around, possibly in a drug haze.]
Kathleen:
Woa, slow down there, Twinkie, I’m coming off of a serious trip.
Tinkerbell:
Sea-Kitten, who’re these bitches?
Johnny Depp:
See? See? What did I just tell you?
Tinkerbell:
Waddaya want? I ain’t got all day, y’know. There’re some pies in the oven-
Jessie:
Aalalala!
Kathleen:
We need some fairy dust and, um, your little fairy friends are sort of out of service at the moment.
Tinkerbell:
Yeah? What happened?
Kathleen:
I dunno.
Johnny Depp:
No clue.
Cam:
We certainly had nothing to do with it.
Kelti:
Totally innocent.
Natalie:
...’d never say I don’t believe.
Tinkerbell:
Uh-huh [clearly unimpressed] Not going to happen. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got some pies-
Cam:
Stoppit! Just give us a hit of the sparkly stuff and we’ll be on our way.
Tinkerbell:
[Scoffing] If you’re jonesing for a hit so bad why don’t you go to Twilight World.
Kathleen:
Don’t be ridiculous. That would clearly be a lawsuit waiting to happen. We would never go to any world directly referred to as Twilight World. Now, Natalie, if you don’t mind...
Natalie:
[Clears her throat] I don’t believe in fairies.
[Nothing happens, the heroes glance nervously at each other.]
Natalie:
I... uh... don’t believe in fairies?
Tinkerbell:
What are you trying to do?
Natalie:
Um, t-torture you?
Tinkerbell:
What are you? A five year old boy? Jesus. I’m an uber fairy, your pitiful little- [she stops mid sentence and starts sniffing] Oh great, my pies are burning. Thanks a lot numbskulls.
Cam:
Wait, you mean you weren’t using ‘pie’ as a dirty allusion?
Tinkerbell:
What? No! How would... I... What? Oh my god! You’re disgusting! Get out of my sight!
Princess Rosey-Sea-Kitten:
Tink... They killed Pan.
Tinkerbell:
Well, that changes everything. You know before Pan came a long I ran this great little bistro... Tink’s Limbering Log Meat Pie Shop.
Cam:
....Seriously, real pies?
Tinkerbell:
Well, I guess because you killed Pan I could give you some fairy dust, but on one condition...
Johnny Depp:
No! No conditions! I am so sick of this place! [He grabs Tinkerbell out of midair and glares at her.] You and every other minuscule, creepy, suggestive creation in this fucked up place! I can’t take it anymore, you hear me? I will hunt for cubes, I will travels to distant planets, but I will not stay here for one more millisecond, do you understand me?! Give us the goddamned dust!
Kelti:
[Whispering to Kathleen] I’m sort of scared right now. [Kathleen just nods and gapes.]
[Tinkerbell sort of nods her head hastily and Johnny Depp proceeds to violently shake her over the heads of the rest of the heroes and then toss her aside.]
Johnny Depp:
[Grumpily] Let’s get the hell out of here.
[The scene changes to aboard The Slightly Morose Roger. We see Edjuardo meeting with Captain Hook, who is now wearing his hair flipping back hand.]
Captain Hook:
Let’s see the goods, Pool Boy.
Edjuardo:
Let’s see the cube piece.
Captain Hook:
I’m not showing you the cube piece until you show me the goods.
Edjuardo:
Well, I’m not showing you the goods until-
Mr. Smee:
Captain! The heroes are approaching! Sky bound!
[Thus begins the semi-epic battle of epicnesses. The heroes descend upon The Slightly Morose Roger and engage in a grand old battle. Swords clash! Guns fire! And the scent of blood is in the air! Edjuardo, being the sneaky bastard he is, jumps into the emergency get-away canoe and starts paddling for his life, without the cube. Meanwhile, the heroes had risen up against their pirate foes and now have Captain Hook surrounded. He casually unscrews his gun shooting hand and attaches his sword fighting hand.]
Captain Hook:
Now whom shall I call out? Which one of you is the least likely to win against me, a poorly executed antagonist with a prosthetic limb? Hm, I wonder. [He clearly is not wondering at all.] Kathleen!
Kathleen:
Fine, sure, I’m not the one with the bow and arrow, or the sword experience or... whatever Cam and Natalie do with their sledgehammer and mace respectively, but yeah, I think I can take you.
[She steps forward. Thus follows is a very familiar scene where Hook busts out some insanely fancy sword work, ala that Indiana Jones movie.]
Kathleen:
Does anyone have a gun I can borrow? [No response. She shrugs and steps forward.] Okay, just hold on a second. [She inches a bit closer] Almost there. [She is right in front of him.] Okay, now, where were we? [Hook raises his sword, Kathleen punches him in the face and he topples over the side of the ship right into the awaiting jaws of a crocodile, or possibly an alligator, no one is really willing to get a close enough look to be sure. Unfortunately, as he is falling over the edge of the boat, the cube piece in his jacket pocket has come lose, and it too plummets into the murky water below.]
Mr Smee:
They’ve killed the Captain! Get them!
[Without thinking our heroes barrel over the edge of the boat, closely followed by the pirates of The Slightly Morose Roger. Everything goes eerie and slow motion as they swim through the briny sea and reach out towards the cube piece... Reaching, reaching and.... everything goes black.]
