#6- Deserted Tropical Island World

#6
Deserted Tropical Island

Cube Count: Heroes, 5 Pool Boy: 0

[Scene opens to Kathleen sitting in a cave with a bunch of bamboo bars in front of it. She is peering out onto a Tropical Island scene. Two Island Natives are just approaching her.]

Kathleen:
Hoo boy, here we go...

Island Native #1:
You, Sarcastic Girl, we very upset with you.

Kathleen:
Apparently English is your second language.

Island Native #1:
What?

Kathleen:
Me, Sarcastic Girl, think you, Island Native, have bad English.

Island Native #1:
I don’t see what’s wrong with it....

Kathleen:
See, I can tell already it’s only going to be bad sporadically. I could make an effort to point out all the flaws but by the time we got through the obvious language barriers I think the point would be pretty lost.

Island Native #1:
...Wait what?

Kathleen:
[Sighing] Just, get on with it.

Island Native #1:
Right, okay. We upset with you.

Kathleen:
Got it.

Island Native #2:
You fall from sky.

Kathleen:
I lack aerodynamic skills?

Island Native #1:
Philis mad.

Kathleen:
Tell Philis I’m sorry?

Island Native #2:
Not good enough! You must be punished!

Kathleen:
Wait, wait, wait. First, who the heck is Philis? Two, it wasn’t my fault! And three, What exactly did I do to upset Philis?

Island Native #1:
Land on her.

Kathleen:
Oh, sheeeit.

Island Native #2:
You see problem.

Kathleen:
I see problem yes. I also see they do not make large enough fig leaves on this island.

Island Native #1:
What? [Realizing what she means, he turns bright red and turns around.] Okay, okay. Let’s just... uh... Um, god this is embarrassing... Okay, um, hey, I’m going to go get a new fig leaf. Basically, we’re going to burn you at dawn, okay?

Kathleen:
And when exactly is dawn?

Island Native #1:
[Turning around again] We aren’t exactly rolling in technological advances here! We tell time using the wind and a bunch of friggen coconuts! Not exactly Timex central!

Kathleen:
Fig leaf. [Island Native 1 turns around again.] Listen, I just want to know when I’m going to get burned to death. Is that so hard?

Island Native #1:
Fine! Fine, okay. At dawn...

Island Native #2:
One hour.

Island Native #1:
One hour, we’re going to burn you at the stake as a ritual sacrifice to Philis, our Island Goddess. Sound good?

Kathleen:
Well, seeing as how it ends with me being burned to death I’m going to say, no, no it doesn’t sound good. Not even slightly good. It’s lacking in a whole bunch of friggen goodness! Does that sound good to you, jackass?

Island Native #2:
Jesus, what a bitch. [As they walk away] I like your fig leaf...

[Scene shifts to a sandy beach. We hear Enya’s ‘Caribbean Blue’ somewhere in the background. Our heroes are splayed out on the sand, unconscious. Seagulls are picking at their hair-]

Spencer:
Ah god! My eyes!

[And their eyeballs.]

Spencer:
Fucking seagulls. [He gets up and shoos the birds away.] The hell? How did we get on a beach? Why is there sand in my boxers? This is altogether very uncomfortable and alarming!

Alex:
[Coughs up a lungful of sand] Gross, and yet my teeth feel alarmingly clean now...

Natalie:
[Pulling a starfish from her hair] Not my idea of green accessorizing...

Kelti:
Well, it’s a whole lot better than that skirt you made out of used garbage bags.

Natalie:
They were Glads and I rinsed them out first, thank you very much!

Johnny Depp:
I think you’re all missing one very important point. Mainly... What the hell are we doing on a freaking island?

Alex:
Please let us be in Pirate World, please oh please oh please...

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
No such luck I’m afraid.

Everyone:
Ga!

Cam:
[Gasping] Can’t you give us some kind of heads up before you just start speaking randomly?

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Yeah, sure, I’ll throw you a hand signal next time. Listen, hey, we’ve got a problem. Umm.. How do I put this? When Cody sent Kathleen to the island he sort of made her fall on Philis...

Kelti:
Who’s Philis?

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
The Island Native’s cat.

Alex:
Kat fell on a cat?

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
[Clearly not impressed] Yeah the irony can kill a person. So hey, you guys can just go rescue her before she gets sacrificed to the gods or whatever, okay? All right, awesome. Okay, bye.

Johnny Depp:
Wait a minute! They’re going to sacrifice her?

Alex:
We can’t let that happen!

Natalie:
Yeah, someone has to write the rest of the play!

Cam:
You know, it might be a lot more believable if you stopped breaking the fourth barrier.

Natalie:
Oh yeah, my breaking of the fourth barrier is exactly what makes this play totally unbelievable. That’s it, right there. [Looks at audience] Can you believe this guy?

Kelti:
I can’t believe your first thought isn’t ‘We can’t let them sacrifice Kathleen because she’ll be dead!’

Spencer:
Well, to be fair, Natalie’s priorities haven’t been in the right order up to this point.

Natalie:
[As she pulls a sucker from the Swirly Vortex] I’m sorry, what?

Cam:
Did you just use the Swirly Vortex to get candy? I thought I made this clear back in Anime World, the Swirly Vortex is a badass weapon! It must be only used for strict badassery!

Natalie:
Erm, it’s an... absinthe lollypop?

Cam:
Oh, well that’s okay then.

Alex:
Right, moving on! Can we please focus? Kathleen’s going to be sacrificed to island gods and Jessie’s got to be around here somewhere, I hope!

Kelti:
[Hissing] Oo yeah. Shit, they’re just dropping like flies, huh?

Johnny Depp:
You guys are the least productive group of heroes I’ve have ever met, anywhere, ever. And I was in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Spencer:
What has that got to do with-

Alex:
I think he means that Will and Elizabeth were really, really pointless heroes that never got anything accomplished.

Kelti:
Ten years later and you don’t age? [Scoffing] Yeah right, Keira Knightly, even the magic of Hollywood won’t stop your boobs from sagging forever!

Johnny Depp:
FOCUS! Now we’ve got to find the Island Native’s camp before they kill Kathleen or do you want your leader to die? [Crickets] Okay, seriously?

Alex:
Well, of course we don’t want her to die, but these things do happen.

Johnny Depp:
How often are you kidnapped by Island Natives on a supposedly deserted island and used as a sacrifice?!

Alex:
There have been occasions!

Johnny Depp:
Let’s just- [aggravated sigh] Come on.

Cam:
Seriously though, were they paid by the word in that movie or what?

Kelti:
I know, right?

Johnny Depp:
Seriously!

Natalie:
[Back to the audience] And they get mad at me for breaking the fourth barrier.

[Scene changes back to the Island Native’s camp where they are now puttering around a large pot of boiling water. In the background we can see a stake being prepared for the burning.]

Kathleen:
[Reading from the cookbook] Okay, it says once you’ve browned the onions you need to add four cups of chicken stock...

Island Native #2:
You’re burning it!

Island Native #1:
Am not! Those are clearly caramelized!

Island Native #2:
Caramelized means brown, not black!

Island Native #1:
Oh well, yeah, sure, they’re burnt NOW. There’s a fine line, you know?

Island Native #2:
There is not a fine line! There is a very wide, broad, line that we’ve been striding across for the last ten minutes! Now we’ve got to start all over!

Kathleen:
[Timidly] Hey, do you mind if I get some company from the Swirly Vortex?

[They ignore her]

Island Native #1:
You know, I am the camp cook for a reason!

Island Native #2:
You WERE the camp cook! You screwed up meatloaf, MEATLOAF, and we made you arts director! You can’t even make God’s damn Eye properly!

Kathleen:
Awesome, I’m going to just... go over to this side of my cave now. [While the Natives continue arguing loudly, Kathleen reaches into the Swirly Vortex and pulls out Stephen Colbert. He’s in the middle of eating a sammich.]

Stephen Colbert:
Mrrmph?

Kathleen:
You should probably swallow that bite before you try talking. I think the arts guy is also in charge of first aid.

Stephen Colbert:
[Swallows] So, who are you?

Kathleen:
I’m Kathleen.

Stephen Colbert:
Nice to meet you. Please tell me you have a personality.

Kathleen:
Erm, yes?

Stephen Colbert:
Not that I’m doubting you, it’s just I feed off of sarcasm and banter and to be perfectly honest... I’m starving.

Kathleen:
That sammich made of childrens dreams and the American economy just not filling enough?

Stephen Colbert:
Not really, if I’d added a layer of roast beef and then some Enron stocks it might have been a lot better.

Kathleen:
Yeah, Cammy doesn’t really keep the vortex stocked up with useless crap. Although you were in it for some reason...

Stephen Colbert:
...I think I’ve been insulted.

Kathleen:
Sorry, being stuck in a bamboo cage waiting to be sacrificed to Island Gods has made me sort of bitter.

Stephen Colbert:
Meh, could be worse.

Kathleen:
I trust you’re about to tell me how.

Stephen Colbert:
Well there’s no mayo on this sammich for one thing.

Kathleen:
But... a sammich without mayo isn’t a sammich at all!

Stephen Colbert:
I know! It’s all dry and gritty. I was going to wash it down with a big cup of childrens tears but now I think I’ll just wait till you start sweating when they burn you. I’m sure your fading life force will be good enough to rinse out the taste of defeated North American Spirit.

Kathleen:
Somehow I think maybe we’ve taken the social commentary a bit too far.

Stephen Colbert:
I’m just warming up, believe you me.

Kathleen:
Right, well... I don’t suppose you’ve got some brilliant way that I could get myself out of this scenario, do you?

Stephen Colbert:
You could pray to your Go- OH THAT’S RIGHT. ATHEISTS DON’T BELIEVE IN GOD.

Kathleen:
I’m... not Atheist.

Stephen Colbert:
Really? What are you?

Kathleen:
Ashleyist.

Stephen Colbert:
I don’t know what that is but it sounds like blasphemy to me!

Kathleen:
You are the oddest combination of character and real-life man I’ve ever met... Right after Johnny Depp.

Stephen Colbert:
Johnny Depp’s here? Awesome!

Kathleen:
Yeah, well no actually. He’s with the team I think. And he’s here sort of reluctantly. Truth be told, I don’t think he likes me very much.

Stephen Colbert:
What makes you say that?

Kathleen:
For one thing he keeps slipping me little notes that say "Kathleen, I don’t like you very much."

Stephen Colbert:
Oh well those could mean anything.

Kathleen:
...HOW?

Stephen Colbert:
Maybe... Maybe he didn’t get a chance to finish them. Maybe he really meant "Kathleen, I don’t like you very...much..."

Kathleen:
I thought you were supposed to be quicker on your feet than that.

Stephen Colbert:
Pft, not my fault he hates you so much.

[Scene changes to the team who is now trouping rather reluctantly through the heavily forested, not-so-deserted-tropical-island.]

Alex:
Come on, you guys! It’s almost dawn!

Spencer:
[Whining] My feet huuuuuurt.

Kelti:
Can we take a break? I have a cramp in my big toe!

Johnny Depp:
Aren’t you two supposed to be the wilderness experts?

Spencer:
[Scoffing] Don’t know where you got that idea.

Johnny Depp:
Well, for one thing you’re both wearing sashes from Scouts Canada and Girl Guides respectively, that’s a pretty good indication of outdoorsyness.

Kelti:
These badges could mean anything!

Johnny Depp:
It says right there, ‘Achievement in surviving nuclear holocaust on deserted tropical island while touting a group of seventeen orphaned Lebanese children with severe cases of gout’!

Spencer:
Yeah, but to be fair that’s a pretty specific badge, and this island doesn’t look like it’s been struck by a nuclear holocaust.

Alex:
[Finally fed up] Quit your complaining! Kelti, stop making tribal spears; Cam, stop playing witch doctor; Spencer, stop making grass skirts and Natalie, for the love of god put the war paint BACK in the Swirly Vortex!

Cam:
[To Natalie] Where are you finding it?

Natalie:
Secret supply hidden in my left shoe. Tell no one.

Johnny Depp:
This is serious, you guys. You’re all acting like a bunch of three year olds, and your friend is about to get sacrificed...

Alex:
Shh! There’s something up ahead!

Johnny Depp:
Oh god, please don’t be Ebola carrying monkeys, please oh please oh please...

Natalie:
Oh great, now THAT fear is in my head.

Spencer:
What were you afraid of before?

Natalie:
Being forced to marry an aging B-List actor to save the universe.

Cam:
That’s awfully specific.

Natalie:
Yes, well I find that the more specific my fears, the less I have to worry about. [Laughing] I mean really, what’s the chance of any of us being forced to marry, like, I don’t know, Shatner? Haha. [She stares at the audience.] Possible foreshadowing? Who knows?

Alex:
Stop doing that!
[Suddenly, Jessie pops out of the bushes]

Jessie:
Hey guys!

Everyone:
Ga!

Jessie:
I thought that was Kat’s line?

Johnny Depp:
Yeah, it was, but she’s sort of being held captive by the non-existent Island Natives right now, so we had to fill in for her.

Jessie:
Wait, Island Natives? Shoot, what are we going to do?

Alex:
Well we were on our way to rescue her, but [awkward cough] back there are too busy fooling around with war paint and grass skirts to get their acts together.

Spencer;
Hey, hey Alex?

Alex:
WHAT?

Spencer:
Listen, as the clearly most mature person currently on this team I think it is my duty to volunteer my services in guarding these ingrates while the more expandable members of the team go off in search of our valiant leader.

Johnny Depp:
What exactly are you trying to say, boy?

Spencer:
Basically, I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m bored. So I’m just going to take Cam, Natalie, and Kelti and head back to the shore so we can stay out of your way, sound fair?

Johnny Depp:
You know, I’m sure normally in a situation JUST like this I would have something to say about that idiotic suggestions, however if I see Cam pick one more bug out of Natalie’s hair and eat it, I’ll probably hurl, so by all means.

[So Spencer hauls Natalie, Cam, and Kelti along back through the forest path, leaving Johnny Depp, Alex, and Jessie all looking sort of bewildered.]

Alex:
I don’t suppose you have a compass with you, huh Jessie?

Jessie:
I didn’t realize I’d need one hunting after the Cube of Evil.

Johnny Depp:
Isn’t there one in the Swirly Vortex?

Alex:
Let me see [Her head disappears into the Swirly Vortex.] Hey Colbert, where’d you get the soup?

Stephen Colbert’s Disembodied Voice:
The Island Natives are making it! You might want to hurry!

Alex:
Why’s that?

Stephen Colbert’s Disembodied Voice:
They did call it traditional stake burning soup...

Alex:
Ahh [she lifts her head from the vortex] Shitty.

Johnny Depp:
Bad news?

Alex:
I’m going to say we trust our instincts on this one and just... Wait a minute.

Johnny Depp:
Do you hear that beat? That addictive island beat?
[Cue ‘Time’s Scar’ from the Chrono Cross soundtrack.]

Alex:
We must be close!

Jessie:
Either that or we’re all Cylons!

Johnny Depp:
Wait, what?

Jessie:
Nothing, let’s go!

[The heroes race through the brush and burst, quite suddenly as it goes with bursting, onto the Island Native’s camp where they find Kathleen tied to a stake in the middle of a large fire pit with a bunch of half naked Natives (as in the Island kind) dancing around her with torches.]

Alex:
Woa! Kitty!

Kathleen:
Alex! Run away! The non-existent island natives have torches and poor soup making skills!

Johnny Depp:
Why the hell are you tied to a spike?

Kathleen:
They don’t have the traditional volcano.

Jessie:
You can’t burn her!

Island Native #2:
Says who?

Jessie:
Says me!

Island Native #2:
And who are you?

Jessie:
I’m... God?

Island Native #1:
[Exchanges nervous look with Island Native #2] ... Philis?

Jessie:
Yes, yes that’s right. I’m Philis.

Kathleen:
Erm, Jess?

Island Native #2:
But-

Jessie:
I’m the ethereal embodiement of Philis, your crazy Deserted Tropical Island Goddess. Although I’d like to point out that if you guys are here, and Kathleen is here, and we’re here, then it really isn’t deserted.

Alex:
Not...really the biggest problem right now, I’d say.

Jessie:
Huh?

Johnny Depp:
Philis is a cat.

Jessie:
Ah shoot.

Island Native #2:
So, you’re saying that you’re the human embodiment of our cat goddess?

Jessie:
...Yes?

Island Native #1:
But... we have our normal embodiement right here. [He steps aside to reveal a small lanky looking cat on a throne.]

Kathleen:
That’s not Philis, you bastards! That’s Bogart!

Island Native #2:
As in ‘Here’s looking at you kid?’

Kathleen:
No, as in that’s my fucking cat, you douche bags! Why the hell do you have my cat? And why are you calling him by a girls name?

Island Native #1:
You don’t know what you’re talking about. This is clearly our island goddess. Or god. You know spaying and neutering your animals is great but it does make the genders sort of irrelevant.

Alex:
I’d have to agree with Kat... I mean, Kathleen. That’s obviously Bogart.

Island Native #2:
Prove it.

Kathleen:
Sort of hard when I’m tied to a freaking spike–Hey you! Number 1, yeah that’s right I see you. Get that torch the hell away from my pile of sticks!

Johnny Depp:
Listen, the obvious thing to do here is to untie Kathleen and see who the cat goes to. If it’s really the island natives goddess slash god, it’ll go to them, if not, it’ll go to Kathleen.

Jessie:
[Hissing] And if he doesn’t go to her, what then? We just let them burn her?!

Johnny Depp:
I don’t know! I’m thinking on the spot here!

Island Native #1:
After careful consideration we have decided to take you up on your offer. Untie the prisoner!

[Scene changes to Island Native #1 and Kathleen standing in a clearing a few feet apart, with Bogart on the other side of the clearing.]

Jessie:
Okay, on the count of three you guys call to Bogart and whoever he goes to will be the winner. One... Two... Three....

Island Native #1:
Come ‘ere you, snooggoogumwooglgoogums. Come ‘ere!

Kathleen:
Ga, baby talk! He loves baby talk! [Suddenly a look of brilliance comes over her. She reaches into the Swirly Vortex...] Hey Stephen, pass me that bag... No, not that one. That’s a dime bag. No, I don’t know what it’s doing in there. Yes, yes that one. [She lifts out a bag of catnip and, just as Bogart begins to walk towards the Island Native, Kathleen rattles the bag, which of course makes him go running towards her.]

Kathleen:
Ha! [Bogart does his little adorable paws-up-pick-me-up-please thing and Kathleen picks him up and cuddles.]

Island Native #1:
No fair! You cheated!

Kathleen:
Dur, it was the only way I could win.

Island Native #2:
We demand a rematch!

Island Native #1:
Yes, best out of three!

Kathleen:
No!

Jessie:
Okay, okay. Here’s what we’ll do, we’ll just cut him in half and then you can both have a piece.

Kathleen:
Ga! No!

Island Native #1:
Well, that would make portions a lot better.

Island Native #2:
Less calories... Okay!

Jessie:
See, that once again proves that Bogart is Kathleen’s. I’m not sure how... Actually, I think it went a little differently in the bible story. But my point remains the same. Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re going to take our Kat and her cat and get out of here.

[As the heroes begin trouping back through the forest]

Kathleen:
Hey Jess, I almost forgot. Happy belated birthday.

Jessie:
Why thank you!

Kathleen:
Look, I got you Vienna Teng!

[Jessie looks into the Swirly Vortex to discover Vienna Teng is crooning away with Stephen Colbert, singing ‘Hope on Fire’]

Jessie:
Well, that is extraordinarily more badass than I assumed it would be.

Kathleen:
Anything is possible with the Swirly Vortex! Say, does anyone know how we get off of this Deserted Island?

Johnny Depp:
Okay, seriously, we’ve been over this before. We’re here. Island Natives are here. There is now way in hell this island is anywhere even remotely close to being ‘Deserted’.

Kathleen:
It’s just a saying...

Johnny Depp:
It’s a stupid saying!

Kathleen:
This whole thing is stupid!

Johnny Depp:
That’s not the point!

Kathleen:
Of course that’s the point! It’s a huge point! If it were any more pointy it would be a considered a concealed weapon!

Alex:
Okay you two, just calm down. I think Kathleen’s a little stressed out because she was nearly burned to death. And I think Johnny Depp is probably just stressed out because... Actually why are you stressed out?

Jessie:
Yeah, you make millions of dollars per movie. What’s wrong with your life?

Johnny Depp:
Nothing! It was perfect right up to the point where THIS happened!

Alex:
[Ignoring him] Where’d you put Bogart, Kat?

Kathleen:
Oh, he’s in the Vortex with Stephen and Vienna Teng. There’s plenty of room for him to roam free...

Alex:
Aren’t you worried about the Penguin?

Kathleen:
Naw, Bogey can hold his own against flightless birds.

[Scene changes to the inside of the Swirly Vortex where Stephen Colbert and Vienna Teng are huddled in a corner. All we can see is the shadow of a Penguin holding some kind of tribal spear and the shadow of Bogart, holding a sword, facing off against each other.]

Kathleen:
By the way, where’s everyone else?

Jessie:
Spencer took them to the beach so they’d stay out of our way.

Johnny Depp:
Sweet, merciful silence.

Kathleen:
Yeah, well, it couldn’t last forever. Let’s go find them.

[As the group of heroes begin to wander back towards the shore of the island they hear that happy tropical version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" that for some reason is listed as ‘No Artist’ in my playlist. Anyways, the point is it is all very suspicious.]

Kathleen:
I don’t like this one bit.

Alex:
Me neither, what do you think it means?

Jessie:
Brr, you guys suddenly get a chill?

Johnny Depp:
No, no... But [he looks up] An eclipse?

Kathleen:
Well... that’s not right.

Alex:
Uhh, I don’t think that’s an eclipse.

Jessie:
It’s... oh shi-
[Something very heavy lands over them with a thump, everything goes black.]