#7- The Land of OZ

#7
The Land of OZ

Cube Count: Heroes, 5 Pool Boy: 0

[‘Porco e Bella ~ Ending’ from the Porco Rosso soundtrack begins playing. There is this sort of woozy glow around everything, like we’re watching the world through the eyes of someone who is very, very hung over.]

Johnny Depp:
Ow... Jesus christ, I feel like I’ve been run over by a house.

Kathleen:
[Crawling to her feet] That doesn’t make any sense!

Johnny Depp:
Shut up!

[They both glance around. The team, now consisting of Kathleen, Johnny, Cam, Natalie and Alex are laying on a very bright yellow cobblestone road. Natalie is hurling in a nearby bush while Alex and Cam are trying to struggle to their feet. Everything is still very blurry.]

Johnny Depp:
[Realizing he can’t get up] Shit! I’m being crushed by a crappy low-income trailer! Oh god what a miserable way to die!

Alex:
[As she stumbles to one side] Johnny, it’s just your pant leg, get up.

Kathleen:
[As her vision begins to clear] You guys, I don’t think we’re on a Deserted Tropical Island anymore.

Cam:
Well, to be fair, it wasn’t actually deserted-

Kathleen:
[Angry] I know that! The point is we’re not on a Tropical Island, or in Wonderland, or Ye Olde England or Anime World.

Natalie:
[Bleh] Then where?

Jessie:
Judging by the yellow technicolour road, the references to falling domiciles, and that bright neon sign that says "OZ" I’d say we’re in... OZ.

Cam:
Don’t you mean ‘Oz’? You know, with less emphasis on the ‘z’?

Jessie:
No, because Oz and Wicked fan girls are insane [Kathleen and Alex exchange looks] and they’d go crazy if we were in something even remotely close to either place.

Johnny Depp:
So, we’re basically non-canoning it?

Jessie:
I’d say so. Plus, and I don’t know why no one else has noticed this, we’re in costume.

Natalie:
[Looking down] Oh thank god, I can see my feet... Wait, I’m the friggen Scarecrow! What the hell? I have a... a... Shit, what is it called?

Cam:
Penis?

Natalie:
Yeah, that’s right! I have a penis! Wait-

Johnny Depp:
Well at least you’re not the Cowardly Lion- [Kathleen makes a move to pat his head] Ga! Don’t touch me!

Cam:
I’m the Tin Man. [He looks really, really depressed.] Aw man.

Kathleen:
I’m Dorathy! [She grins, as if this is sweet justice for all the insults she puts up with.]

Jessie:
I’m the Good Witch of the North... who according to Wikipedia is unnamed, which sort of blows.

Alex:
And I’m Glinda, Good Witch of the South.

Kathleen:
Yeah, but judging by that giant hat you’re wearing I’d say you’re MGM Glinda, not Kristin Chenoweth Glinda.

Alex:
Ah-awww...

Kathleen:
[Totally indifferent] Yeah, that really sucks. Hey everyone look at my shoes!

Natalie:
[Muttering] Jewel encrusted shoes don’t look good on me anyways.

Johnny Depp:
Say, where’s Kelti and Spencer?

Cam:
Oh, we left them on the beach. Spencer said something about building a shelter and Kelti was catching some rays. We figured we’d catch up with you when everything went black.

Natalie:
Did you guys get a cube piece?

Kathleen:
[Sudden realization] No... No we did not.

Cam:
Well great, what was the point of that world then?

Kathleen:
Um, to RESCUE me, so I didn’t get BURNED to a CRISP.

Johnny Depp:
Stop yelling!

Alex:
Oh come on, seriously? Are we going to be forced to adapt to the mentalities of the characters we’re impersonating?

Jessie:
Non-canon, so no.

Kathleen:
I really don’t think you’re using that term the right way.

Jessie:
I’m not the one writing it now am I? Now who here has read the freaking book?

Cam:
Wait, how do we know this isn’t based on the movie?

Alex:
Yeah, or maybe it’s some Wicked-

Kathleen:
[Angry] It is not based off of Wicked, now let it go! [Turning to Jessie] I’ve read it... but a long time ago.

Jessie:
Perfect, you’re leader anyways. Lead away.

Kathleen:
Okay, well... We should, um, follow... the road?

Johnny Depp:
Are you sure? Are you absolutely positive? Because if you’re not we could get into some bizarre situation involving evil Rubix Cubes...

Kathleen:
Yeah, I think so, maybe, well... No, I’m not sure, whatever.

Cam:
So... Follow the Yellow Brick Road then?

Alex:
If we’re trying to avoid a lawsuit shouldn’t we call it something else?
Natalie:

What, like the Mustard Linoleum Street?

Johnny Depp:
MLS? It sounds like some really bad street drug.

[Everyone turns to Kathleen and stares.]

Kathleen:
My shit is totally legal, thank you very much!.... And you make it with Draino a couple table spoons of mustard seed.

Jessie:
...Why?

Kathleen:
[Shrugs] Meh, gives it a kick.

Johnny Depp:
If snorting the Draino doesn’t do that enough.

Kathleen:
You’d be surprised.

Jessie:
[Clapping her hands] Okay everyone, so we’re off to see the Wizard, right? The Wonderful Wizard of OZ?

Cam:
Urgh, do we have to link arms?

Alex:
Yes, and dance.

Kathleen:
Wait just a minute, where the hell are the Munchkins?

Jessie:
Aw poop, I forgot about them.

Alex:
And Toto! We don’t have a Toto yet!

[There is this wet sort of purring sound coming from behind a bush. Kathleen steps over to examine. Note that all the movements are very exaggerated and flouncy, just like a good old-school MGM musical is supposed to be. Pulling back the bush, she finds a cat sitting there, purring.]

Kathleen:
Stewie!

Johnny Depp:
Dear sweet Christ, how many cats do you own?

Kathleen:
Just two, thank you very much. [She lugs her 20 pound cat up and cuddles him] Oh my gawd, you’re so cuuuute!

Natalie:
Super kawa- [Cam hits her up the side of the head.]

Cam:
No.

Jessie:
Um, guys? I hate to be a party pooper but I found the Munchkins and... They aren’t quite like the movie had them pegged...

Johnny Depp:
Non-canon?

Jessie:
Definitely.

[Scene changes to The Starship Enterprise where we find The Evil Betty lounging on a day bed in the way only an evil villainess can. ‘Green Tambourine’ plays in the background.]

William Shatner:
Betty, I’d like to speak with your about your newly acquired minions...

The Evil Betty:
Aren’t they fabulous?

William Shatner:
Well yes, Mickey Mouse is very... um, not nice, and that one Jonas Brother [nervous laugh] Who would have ever guessed he was a member of the Communist Party of China but I am having some difficulties with Steve-O.

The Evil Betty:
Oh? What exactly is wrong?

William Shatner:
To be perfectly frank-

The Evil Betty:
If you’re going to be Frank then I want to be Alan Alda.

William Shatner:
What?

The Evil Betty:
Sorry, I’ve been watching M*A*S*H reruns. You were saying?

William Shatner:
I think Steve-O is infatuated with you.

The Evil Betty:
[Sitting up, clearly thrilled] Really?

William Shatner:
Erm, well.. Yes.

The Evil Betty:
Oh my god, there is so much to do! I’ve got to wash my hair. No! Nails first, hair second, oh my god I only brought one change of clothes and we’re all out of whipped cream-

William Shatner:
My love! Don’t be such a space slut!

The Evil Betty:
Excuse me? Sounds like the pot is calling the kettle black! Or flat. I’ve heard both used. The point is you can’t get all judgey on me! I’ve seen the home video of you and Spock!

[Suddenly Steve-O enters.]

Steve-O:
Hey dude, dudette. Where can a guy get a drink around here?

William Shatner:
Excuse me? Do you mind? We were sort of having a conversation here.

Steve-O:
No, that’s cool. You keep on rapping, I’m just going to raid the mini bar.

The Evil Betty:
That’ll go straight on your bill, you know.

William Shatner:
Hello? Talking here!

[Spock walks in]

Spock:
Captain, you’re wanted on the Bridge! It’s an emergency!

William Shatner:
If it’s an emergency why didn’t you just page me? We installed that intercom system for a reason!

Spock:
Well, Scotty’s been pumping karioke through it all day. Something about randomly bursting into song, I don’t know. The point is now he’s got his controller stuck on beam and can’t get it unstuck.

William Shatner:
[Sigh] Betty, my love, I must go and get Scotty out of this unfortunate position. When I return we shall work this through, nice and slowly, and then when we’re both ready we’ll ask Steve-O and Spock to join us and the four of us can have a nice, long-

Narrator:
Aaaaand back to the heroes.

[Scene changes just in the nick of time. Our heroes are suddenly surrounded by a bunch of tiny savages, all with warpaint and spears. The Super Mario World Map Song plays over in the background... repeatedly...over and over and over.]

Johnny Depp:
[Whispering to Kathleen] I thought we left the savages at the Deserted Tropical Island.

Kathleen:
You are so judgmental, you know that?

Johnny Depp:
What? Why?

Kathleen:
Just because they have a slightly different culture than you, they look a little funny, you call them savages! You know what that makes you? A racist. [She leans down and looks at the nearest munchkin.] Aren’t you just the cutest thing ever? Goochy-goo [She ruffles his hair.]
[For a moment the munchkin just stares at her, all big eyes and adorable. Then, without warning, he reaches out and bites Kathleen’s arm.]

Kathleen:
Ga! Jesus christ! Mother Mary and Joseph! What the hell? Get him off me!

Munchkin #1:
Strangers taste like chicken.

[The commotion stops, Kathleen turns to stare at Johnny Depp who has a smug look on his face.]

Kathleen:
You shut up.

Jessie:
[Clearing her throat] Attention, citizens of Twinkie Country! We come in peace!

Munchkin #2:
Pieces... to eat?

Jessie:
No, no, peace. As in, lack of war, neutral ground, non-combat. Everyone is happy and everything is hunky-dory. That sort of peace.

Alex:
This is not what I expected from Munchkins.

Munchkin #1:
No. Maunchausen. Is pronounced Moon-chau-saun.

Alex:
Um, no. It’s not. Munchkin.

Munchkin #1:
Maunchausen.

Alex:
What are you, stupid? Read my lips. Munch-kin.

Munchkin #1:
Moon-chaaaau-saaaaun. Maunchausen! Maunchausen! Maunchausen!

Cam:
Alex, just... just let them have this one.

Alex:
No! This is ridiculous! Munchkins are classic! You can’t suddenly adapt a new pronunciation just because it’s all non-canon!

Kathleen:
No, seriously. That doesn’t mean what you think it means!

Alex:
Oh and I suppose using the term ‘tea-bagging’ is suddenly somehow inappropriate? I partake in a good old fashioned Boston Tea Party and call it ‘tea-bagging’ and suddenly I’m a pervert, is that it?

Kathleen:
...Yes! That’s exactly it! And stop stealing your jokes from The Daily Show!

Munchkin #2:
Not enough meat on left femur.

Kathleen:
Wait... what?

Johnny Depp:
Savages. I totally called it.

Munchkin #3:
[Narrowing eyes] Tonight we feast in OZ!

Kathleen:
[Finally shaking off the Munchkin] Tonight you feast in HELL! [She proceeds to kick the nearest Munchkin into a shallow pit that is clearly marked with construction signage. Of course, because he is tiny, even the shallowest of pits stops him.]

Kathleen:
[With dramatic flair] RUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNAH!

[Ignoring the rules about dancing as they move, the heroes race from Maunchausen Land in Twinkie Country and head down the Mustard Linoleum Street with a pack of Munchkins/Maunchausens chasing them down with spears and whatnot. Of course they have stubby legs so really, it’s no challenge escaping them at all.]

[Scene changes and we see our heroes stumbling their way down the MLS, or maybe they’re on MLS, at this point it’s hard to tell. ‘Gerudo Valley’ from the Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time soundtrack is playing. Why? I’m not sure.]

Natalie:
Left, right, back, side, back... Dammit Cam! Your stupid tin feet are getting in the way!

Cam:
Well excuse me! At least I’m not shedding straw on everything!

Kathleen:
Will you two cut it out?

Natalie:
Who died and made you Queen of OZ?

Kathleen:
Who has the freaking Jewel Encrusted Slippers, huh?

Jessie:
Wait, have you tried clicking your heels together yet?

Kathleen:
Of course I have! I’m not an idiot! [The others move ahead and Kathleen carefully taps her heels together three times. Johnny Depp notices this and opens his mouth like he’s about to give her up and then changes his mind.]

Natalie:
Hey, look! It’s Emerald City!

Alex:
Gross, what is that smell?

Cam:
It’s got to be coming from that field of rotten... something, surrounding the city.

Johnny Depp:
[Leans down to examine the ground.] Just as I suspected... Day-lilies.

Kathleen:
Well, that was one poorly thought out city beautification idea.

Alex:
In the movie don’t the poppies make the heroes fall asleep?

Kathleen:
Right, except these aren’t poppies and... they’re dead. So we should be home free!

Natalie:
All right! Let’s go then!

Kathleen:
Urgh wait, Stewie is drooling again. Does anyone have a Kleenex?

Johnny Depp:
Excuse me? Did you just say your cat is drooling?

Kathleen:
Um, yeah. Why, haven’t you ever seen a drooling cat before?

Johnny Depp:
No, but then again this is just one in very long line of firsts for me.

Kathleen:
He drinks from the shower too.

Cam:
Aw, shit! Look!

[Everyone turns in time to see the Day-lilies miraculously regrow.]

Johnny Depp:
Great, your cat’s drool revived the one freaking flower on earth that logically shouldn’t be revived.

Jessie:
Oh it’s not her fault, and don’t use the ‘L’ word. It has no place in our lives.

Natalie:
So what do we do now?

Cam:
If we try to cross something bad is bound to happen. I mean, if poppies can make them go to sleep, imagine what the day-lilies are capable of.

[There is a look of utter fear suddenly plastered on Natalie’s face. The camera begins to slowly zoom in on her and we can hear the echoing taunts of the flowers in Wonderland.]

Tigerlily:
Come over ‘ere love!

Pansies:
We’ll rip ye’ a new one!

Day-lilies:
Your mother wears combat boots-boots-oots-oots-ts...

Natalie:
[Snapping back to reality.] NOOOO!

[Everyone stares.]

Natalie:
[Nervous laugh] Erm, sorry... I was... um... back in ‘Nam there for a second.

Kathleen:
Rrrrright. Okay, moving on. Alex, can you maybe bust out some snow with your wand and kill these puppies?

Alex:
I’m sure I can.

Cam:
[Muttering] And pigs will fly.

Alex:
What?

Cam:
What?

Alex:
Nothing.

Cam:
Oh good, okay, let’s move on then.

Alex:
Right. Wait, what just happened?

Johnny Depp:
Just... [sighs] make it snow.

[Alex busts out her wand and rolls up non-existent sleeves.]

Natalie:
Hey, is that the wand Sailor Mercury gave you?

Alex:
It most certainly is. Multi-functional.

Kathleen:
Brilliant! She was all about snow, or water, or something! Things are finally starting to look up for us!

[Alex scrunches up her face with determination and flicks the wand. A moment later it begins raining.]

Kathleen:
Not... quite what we wanted.

Natalie:
How did ‘light snow fall’ get lost in translation to become ‘flash flood’?

Alex:
Look, I’m grasping at straws here, okay?

Johnny Depp:
Listen, it’s okay. The day-lilies are getting drowned. We can cross the field and just forget this ever happened, yeah?

Kathleen:
You can forget all you want but I guarantee we’ll all be harassing her for years to come about it.
[So the heroes troop across the very flooded field of flowers (nice alliteration, eh?) And approach the gates of the Emerald City which, on closer inspection is more of a pea green colour.]

Natalie:
That’s really unappetizing. I just watched The Exorcist too.

Kathleen:
When? When were you given a chance to watch it?

Natalie:
Deserted Tropical Island had cable.

Jessie:
I’m confused. The sign says "No knocking before entering."

Cam:
It’s not that confusing. It just means you don’t knock before you enter.

Jessie:
Yeah, but what if someone is right behind the door and you hit them in the face, or someone wants privacy so they close the door and you just barge in on them? I’m going to knock-

Kathleen:
Jessie, noo!

[Suddenly, Nathan, who appeared as the castle guard in Ye Olde England and then once more as that dude in Hair World that provide that measly trumpet to announce your presence. This time he appears at a small window cut in the door.]

Guard Nathan:
What? What? Who goes there? What the hell are you people doing? Standing there, looking innocent, knocking? Jesus Christ, does no one read the sign?

Jessie:
I was just trying to be poli-

Guard Nathan:
Well stop it. We don’t do politeness here in The Pea Green City.

Cam:
What do you do then?

Guard Nathan:
Well we... we...um... We ask intruders three questions, that’s what we do!

[Everyone groans in unison.]

Johnny Depp:
Can’t we skip the questions? We’ve done them before!

Guard Nathan:
Not wearing these fruity Elton John sun glasses, you haven’t!

[He hands over several pairs of sunglasses shaped like stars that you always see Elton John wearing at every concert he has ever put on. Ever.]

Guard Nathan:
Spiffy, now question one-

Alex:
Wait, the glasses are making me nauseous!

Guard Nathan:
That means they’re working! Don’t interrupt. Question one: the common ingredient in Aspirin is what?

[Everyone turns to stare at Kathleen]

Kathleen:
What? Why do you automatically assume that because it’s a drug question I’ll know the answer? I have chronic back pain!

Natalie:
Sure, you did two years ago. What about NOW?

Kathleen:
...Do you not understand the term ‘chronic’?! [She pauses and then sighs] Salicylic acid...

Cam:
[Laughing] You have debilitating condition, loser! Loooooser!

Guard Nathan:
Question number B... Strangers With Candy starred Stephen Colbert, Amy Sedaris, Paul Dinello and what African American actor?

Johnny Depp:
Well this is easy, let’s just ask Colbert.

Cam:
[After sticking his head into the Vortex.] He’s not there anymore!


Alex:
What? Where did he go?

Cam:
He didn’t exactly leave a forwarding address!

Natalie:
Actually, he did... Look at that note.

Cam:
[Taking the note from the Swirly Vortex and reading aloud.] Dear Heroes, I have run away from home. You will never see my face again. That brings us to tonight’s Word... Suck it. Sincerely Stephen T. Colbert. [Glancing around] ‘Suck it’ is two words.

Alex:
Why would he run away?!

Kathleen:
[To Johnny Depp] This is your fault!

Johnny Depp:
My fault? What did I do?

Kathleen:
You pushed him away! You drove him to his misery! You scowled and spat and were needlessly cruel in the face of the adversity that we all faced every day; all because you couldn’t handle one tiny little misstep in this whole damn adventure! You callow, horrible, little man!

Johnny Depp:
You don’t know what you’re talking about!

Kathleen:
[Getting excessively dramatic] I know he’s gone and he’s NEVER coming back!

Johnny Depp:
[Shaking her by the shoulders] Pull yourself together, Kathleen! Listen to what you’re saying! Stop pushing me away! Let me in, stop pushing me away!

[Kathleen proceeds to hit him repeatedly with closed fists like you see every time anything remotely dramatic happens in any movie... usually it’s raining during those scenes too, or am I the only one who noticed that?]

Kathleen:
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!

Alex:
What the HELL are you two talking about?

Kathleen:
Sorry, got caught up in the moment.

Guard Nathan:
Right... I’m just going to let you have that one and... and actually you know, you can just go in... Just... don’t talk to me anymore.

[So the Heroes enter the Pea Green City and ‘Water Here’ by Bodies of Water begins to play. Everyone glances around rather nervously.]

Natalie:
I don’t like the sound of this music.

Alex:
It sounds like a bunch of corpses being hung out to dry.

Cam:
...Yes, yes that is exactly what it sounds like. [Shakes head in disbelief.] So how do we find this great Wizard of OZ?

Guard Nathan:
[Appearing out of no where]
Nobody gets to see the great Wizard! Not nobody not no nobody!

Kathleen:
That’s not how that line is supposed to go.

Guard Nathan:
Shut up! First you must answer my three questio- [Johnny Depp proceeds to punch him.]

Everyone:
Yay!

Johnny Depp:
Lets find the Wizard and get the fuck out of here.

[They enter the long, spooky hallway leading to the Wizards chambers. Everyone links arms and begins that excessive dramatic walk heading towards the big doors at the end of the hall.]

Jessie:
Naaa, I don’t want to do this!

Johnny Depp:
I’m supposed to be the cowardly lion!

Jessie:
And do you really think the Cowardly Lion would have slugged the gatekeeper?

Johnny Depp:
... Excellent point. So, can I be the Good Witch of the North then?

Jessie:
Whatever floats your boat, Johnny.

[They enter the giant pea-green chambers and are astounded to see lots of creepy special effects and wind machines, and some kind of spooky Halloween recording of thunder that appears to be stuck on repeat.]

Cam:
[Totally unimpressed.] Oh my god. I am so frightened. If I had a heart, it would be unable to handle the immense pressure being brought on right now.

Natalie:
I might not be the sharpest cookie in the pond that a horse can’t drink but I don’t think this is right.

Kathleen:
That... was the greatest idiom ever created.

Alex:
[Dramatic gasp] Look!

[A figure rises out from behind a podium, moves the wind machine so it faces him and then gives a little cough. Suddenly a spot light appears and he announces...]

Stephen Colbert:
I am the almighty and powerful Wizard of OZ!

Kathleen:
Stephen Colbert? What the hell man? What was with that note you left us in the Vortex?... Suck it? Seriously dude.

Stephen Colbert:
Oh right. Well, the Island Natives were being a pain and then Spencer was fishing around in the vortex for some twine or something, I don’t know, that kid needs a life, and he kept leaving the Vortex open so this draft got in and I thought ‘Well, screw this shit. I’m leaving.’ And when he and Kelti weren’t looking I snuck out.

Cam:
And that’s why you can’t leave the Swirly Vortex open.

Johnny Depp:
Yes, because god forbid the innocent people we have kidnapped and placed inside the air tight dimension be allowed to escape.

Cam:
That’s what I keep saying!

Stephen Colbert:
[Clears throat again] Anyways, as I was saying... I am the almighty and powerful Wizard of OZ!

Kathleen:
Right, well, um... Wizard... Can you tell us where to find the next cube piece?

Stephen Colbert:
Have you tried the Wicked Bitch of the West’s castle yet?

Jessie:
Uh, no?

Stephen Colbert:
Well, she might have one, hard to say.

Alex:
Couldn’t you give us a more definitive answer? I mean, we did come all the way from Twinkie Country to meet with you.

Stephen Colbert:
[Sighing] Want, want, want. All you do is take from me. You’re bleeding me dry, really you are.

Kathleen:
Listen, just... give us some direction, please.

Stephen Colbert:
Okay, I’ll tells you what. You go kill the Wicked Bitch of the West and bring me her Gucci bag as proof and I, in turn, will devise some sort of plot device to either give you the cube or give you a cube. Not sure which yet.

Natalie:
Man, [she kicks a non-existent stone] I’m sick of this plot-driven worlds. Why couldn’t this be like Anime Land where all we had to do was take on dumb stereotypes and make bad jokes?

[Glancing up she realizes the Heroes have all left and now she is alone with Stephen Colbert.]

Natalie:
So... how bout them Mets?

Stephen Colbert:
When you talk I am overwhelmed by a feeling of hunger.

[Scene changes to all the Heroes once again attempting to dance through a spookyish looking forest. Even though there are plenty of threats around, rabid wild animals, downed power lines, chemical spills, they seem more focussed on the fact that Cam still can’t get the foot work right.]

Alex:
Seriously, Cam! It’s not that hard!

Cam:
Not all of us are dancers, Alex!

Alex:
Yeah, but you’re the only one with two left feet screwed on BACKWARDS.

Natalie:
Hey yeah, you know if you turn them around this might be a lot easier for you.

Cam:
[Sighing] Okay, hold on. [He settles on the side of the road, the rest of the heroes stand around idly, looking slightly annoyed, as he tries to remove his two tin feet and turn them around so they are pointing in the right direction.]

Jessie:
[Glancing up at the sky] Hey, did it get really dark all of a sudden or is it just me?

Johnny Depp:
Aw shit, please don’t be another falling trailer, please oh please oh please...

Natalie:
No, no I think it’s something much worse...

[The shadows take shape and it’s very clear what they are.]

Kathleen:
Winged monkeys?! Oh Christ, it’s my very real worst fear come true!

Jessie:
Out of all the things that had to be the same as the book, why the winged monkeys?

Johnny Depp:
Their eyes have the red glow of ebola! Everyone, run!

[The heroes stumble rather aimlessly down the path, trying to out run the winged monkeys with ebola, but it is all for naught! They are scooped up and carried away towards a dark, menacing castle, that is shaped a bit like a lip gloss from the angle they are flying in at. Everything goes black...]

[‘Blue Alert’ by Anjani begins to play. The scene fades open to Kathleen sitting alone in a miserable cell, she is just waking up.]

Kathleen:
Nuuh? Ow, my head... I feel like I’ve been run over by a house... [pause] Wow, I totally get what he meant at the start of this World.

[Suddenly the door to the cell opens and in troops this bizarre partially robotic creation that appears to be a culmination of several popular culture icons.]

Kathleen:
Are you... the Wicked Bitch of the West?

Wicked Bitch of the West:
Am not, ho! My name is Milindris Cyloton and dontcha forget it!

Kathleen:
[Thinks for a moment then says hesitantly] ...Miley Cyrus, Lindsey Lohan and... Paris Hilton?

Wicked Bitch of the West:
Pshya. I’ve got all their best traits rolled into one. Miley’s Tween appeal, Lindsey’s alcoholism and Paris’s herpes.

Kathleen:
Those are the best traits?

Wicked Bitch of the West:
Pshya, you don’t want to know what the worst ones are, trust me. Anyways, I’ve got, like, tons of crap n’ stuff I have to do, so I’ll make this quicky- I mean, quick. I want your shoes.

Kathleen:
Um, no.

Wicked Bitch of the West:
Ya, unfortunately, like, that really isn’t...sort of, like, an... gawd, what do you call it?

Kathleen:
An option?

Wicked Bitch of the West:
Ya, it’s not an option. I need those shoes if I’m going to continue ruling over the Tweenkies.

Kathleen:
Um...

Wicked Bitch of the West:
[Prissy bitch sigh] Pshya, they’re, like, the people of Twinkie Country.

Kathleen:
Oh my god, Tweenkies, I totally get it. That’s... that’s actually sort of clever.

Wicked Bitch of the West:
I know, right? That’s so hot. Anyways, shoes, bitch, or else I’m gonna, like... do something.

Kathleen:
Yeah, can’t say you’re doing a very good job at striking fear into my heart, Wicked Bitch or not.

Wicked Bitch of the West:
Pshya, okay, let me put it this way... Give me the shoes or else all your friends, plus Disney Channel star Selena Gomez will all meet a fiery death at the hands of the Tweenkies.

Kathleen:
[Gasp] Bitch!

Wicked Bitch of the West:
I know, right?

Kathleen:
I think you’re bluffing. There’s no way you’d harm Johnny Depp. The others, meh, probably seeing as how you don’t know them and have no emotional connection to them. But I find it very hard to believe that you’d hurt Johnny.

Wicked Bitch of the West:
What about Selena Gomez?

Kathleen:
You touch a hair on her sarcastic little head and I’ll rip you to shreds!

Wicked Bitch of the West:
Ya, the Miley in me could eat you and spit you out.

Kathleen:
Really? Because the Kathleen in me is fully ready to take the Miley in you and shove it so far up your herpes ridden ass that you’ll be texting your girlfriends to G-N-O from inside your C-O-L-O-N.

[That threat has clearly struck a chord with the Wicked Bitch of the West. However the moment of fear passes. I mean, she is part robot after all.]

Wicked Bitch of the West:
So be it! [She speaks into her crystal ball] Zac Efron, please throw Mr. Cowardly-No-Please-I-Hate-Loud-Noises-Lion to the Tweenkies... They are hungry and must be fed.

Kathleen:
No! Not the Tweenkies! Urgh [moment of consideration]... FINE. You can have the damn shoes.
[The little images in the crystal ball are screaming at Kathleen, telling her not to do it at this point.]

Wicked Bitch of the West:
[Takes the first shoe] I only need one. Dolce, of Dolce and Gabanna, wants me to be a neck model, and I really think the jewels in the shoe will extenuate the length of my neck.

Kathleen:
Whatever, whore.

[Scene changes to the prison where the other heroes and Selena Gomez are being kept.]

Johnny Depp:
No! Those shoes have got to be important or something!

Cam:
Oh my god, oh my god what are we going to do?

Selena Gomez:
Can someone tell me what’s going on?

Alex:
Shut up, Selena Gomez, we don’t have time for your crazy theories!

Selena Gomez:
But-

Alex:
I said shut up!

Natalie:
If the Wicked Bitch of the West has one of the jewel encrusted slippers, we’re all done for!

Selena Gomez:
[Sarcastic disbelief] Really now?

Natalie:
Yes! No! Maybe, I don’t know. I’m just assuming!

Jessie:
There’s got to be some way we can defeat Milindris Cyloton!

Selena Gomez:
Wait.. Milindris Cyloton? As in a weird culmination of Miley Cyrus, Lindsey Lohan, and Paris Hilton?

Jessie:
I... would assume so.

Selena Gomez:
I have an idea! But we need a speaker system!

Cam:
Easy enough! [He pulls a lovely speaker system from the Swirly Vortex]

Selena Gomez:
Quick, hook up this Ipod!

[The scene changes back to Kathleen and the Wicked Bitch, who is now gloating quite proudly over a pissed off looking Kathleen.]

Wicked Bitch of the West:
[On her cellphone] I know, it was like, my finest hour. I totally wanted to laugh evilly but I haven’t brushed my teeth yet this evening and I thought, no, the two remaining Jonas Brothers totally wouldn’t be cool with that.

Kathleen:
Christ...

Wicked Bitch of the West:
Oh. My. Gawd! SHUT UP! [Squeals then turns to Kathleen and says snottily] The Miley in me wants you to shut up for realz.

Kathleen:
The every part of me, wants to throw up. [She makes her catch phrasey throwing up sound at the mention of Miley Cyrus.]

[Suddenly out of no where ‘Down is the New Up’ by Radiohead begins to play. The Wicked Bitch looks around frantically.]

Wicked Bitch of the West:
No! No it can’t be! Radiohead... The arch nemesis of 1/4th of me! [Hands clasp around her ears] No! [We can now see the other heroes in the crystal ball, blaring the Radiohead song through the crystal from Selena Gomez’s Ipod.]

[Using the moment of distraction to her advantage, Kathleen takes off her other jewel encrusted shoe and throws it, ninja star style, into the neck of the Wicked Bitch of the West.]

Wicked Bitch of the West:
No! My neck modelling career – Ruined! I’ll get you for this you ho! I’ll kill you! Vengeance will be mine! Ooh what a world, what a world [she melts away into a puddle that has a bizarre radioactive green hue to it. Kathleen carefully pulls both her shoes from the puddle, buffs them, and slips them back on. As she is about to walk from the cell she notices the golden cellphone of the Bitch laying in the puddle. She picks that up too.]

[Scene changes to Kathleen approaching the door of the cell to release her fellow heroes when she is stopped by a group of angry looking Tweenkies.]

Tweenkie #1:
Halt! Who, like, goes there?

Kathleen:
Um, me?

Tweenkie #2:
I know you! You’re that bitch our boss locked up!

Kathleen:
She let me go! Yay me, okay, bye.

Tweenkie #1:
Not so fast, you’ve still got the shoes. The boss wouldn’t give those us!

Kathleen:
[Sighing] Okay, I’ll be honest. I killed your boss with a heel to the neck, retrieved my shoes, and this golden cellphone.

[The Tweenkies suddenly gasp and fall back, bowing as they go.]

Kathleen:
[Looking at phone] This must have one hell of a plan...

Tweenkie #2:
You have the golden cellphone! You now hold in your hands all the power of Twinkie Country and likewise, our, like, fates!

Kathleen:
Is that so? Does that mean I can let my friends go?

Tweenkie #2:
If you wish.

Kathleen:
I do, open the door and release them!

[The Tweenkies do so, releasing all the heroes, plus Selena Gomez, from the cell.]

Cam:
Kathleen! You’re still alive!

Kathleen:
Alive and not yet corrupted by whores in pop culture, thank you very much. That was pretty smart, playing Radiohead like that. Who came up with that one?

Selena Gomez:
That was me. Miley was such a bitch about that "Uhh Radiohead doesn’t want to meet me. They’re my idol... I’m going to take them down!" Someone call the waaaaambulance if you know what I mean?

Kathleen:
Ha, yeah. Awesome. Okay, well, we just need to find the Wicked Bitch’s Gucci purse and we can go back to Pea-Green City.

Tweenkie:
Oh, you mean this one? [She produces a very tiny clutch purse out of no where.] It cost three grand.

Alex:
Seriously? Isn’t that little extravagant?

Tweenkie #3:
Not for the Wicked Bitch of the West. I mean, she ate gold shavings for breakfast for goodness sake.

Tweenkie #1:
[Clears throat] Kathleen, as the possessor of the golden cellphone, you can control us as you, like... want to.

Kathleen:
Okay, well, um... How about this, you guys help us get back to Pea-Green City and then Selena can take over from there. Sound good?

[The Tweenkies turn to stare at Selena Gomez, obviously very hesitant about having her as their new leader.]

Selena Gomez:
Come with me, I will show you the world of salicylic acid facials and eating whatever you want and not giving a damn.

[The Tweenkies look astounded and very, very pleased.]

Tweenkie #1:
Does this mean I can finally read a...a.. A book?

Selena Gomez:
Read as many books as you want!

Tweenkie #2:
And I don’t have to wear lip gloss anymore?

Selena Gomez:
Not if you don’t want to!

Tweenkie #3:
[Excessive over the top happiness] I’m going to be a brain surgeon!!

[The scene changes to the Pea-Green City, the heroes have returned with the Gucci purse and are now standing in the giant, messy throne room of The Wizard of OZ. ‘Someone Saved My Life Tonight’ by Elton John plays in the background, which is suiting considering the giant glasses they are sporting once again. Stephen Colbert is checking out the purse while the others lip sync to the music like some really cheesy boy band.]

Johnny Depp:
Fly away!

Everyone else:
OooOoO!

Stephen Colbert:
[Snaps fingers and music stops.] That’s enough of that. Okay, so I guess this purse will do. I really wanted the leopard print one but I suppose I can’t be picky.

Kathleen:
Damn right you can’t!

Stephen Colbert:
Don’t raise your voice at me, young lady! Or else I won’t let you ride my magical kite home.

Cam:
Wasn’t it supposed to be a hot air balloon?

Stephen Colbert:
Yeah but... it isn’t. L. Frank. Baum was such a coke head, he wasn’t thinking straight by the time it came to actually end the story. I mean [scoffs] Hammerheads? Really? Puh-leeze.

Kathleen:
Oh god, please stop talking like a Tweenkie.

Stephen Colbert:
Anyways, because you got me this Gucci purse, I’ll let one of you use my magical kite to take you home. I’ve gotten sort of sick of this Pea-Green City; it’s surprisingly hard to feng-shui with colours. Not a lot matches save for Exorcist posters.

Alex:
What about our Rubix Cube? [Everyone turns to look at her.] I’m trying to prioritize here!

Stephen Colbert:
Oh, right. It’s here in the Gucci purse. Take it. [He tosses Kathleen the cube piece] Now which of you lucky bastards is going home?

Jessie:
Should we draw straws for it?

Kathleen:
[Dejectedly] No... Johnny, you should take the magic kite ride home. You want it more than any of us...

Cam:
Not true! I was in the middle of a LAN tournament when we were swept up!

Jessie:
Yeah! And I was busy writing a report on... [Everyone looks expectantly at her, waiting for the answer to the burning question of "Just what the hell do we do for a living?"] Why are you guys staring at me like that?

Kathleen:
Think very carefully, Jess. What was the report on?

Jessie:
I don’t know, the molecular base of fake flowers I think.

Cam:
Okay, I know we don’t make fake flowers for a living.

Jessie:
No one said we did it for a living. This was something just for me.

Natalie:
And on that note, moving on.

Johnny Depp:
[To Kathleen] A-are you sure?

Kathleen:
[Deep sigh] Yes, you deserve it. You’ve put up with a lot of crap, and all without suing us. Go home to your family, Mr. Depp.

Stephen Colbert:
Okay, awesome. Just tie this rope around your waist like so, and hold on here, and say the magic words.

Johnny Depp:
Which are?

Stephen Colbert:
Uh, the magic...words?

Johnny Depp:
Oh, right. Okay. Um, see ya later, kids. [With booming confidence] The magic words!
[And just like... magic... he lifts up into the air and slowly ascends towards the sky. The heroes wave goodbye, all looking might forlorn (who wouldn’t?) When at last he appears to be nearly out of sight Kathleen turns back to Stephen.]

Kathleen:
All right. Can we get a new world?

Stephen Colbert:
Silly girl, you’ve always had the power to go to a new world!

Kathleen:
....What?

Stephen Colbert:
Oh? Oh, Alex didn’t tell you? God, that’s... that’s awkward. I’m just going to uh... um, I’m going back into the Vortex now. See you later. [He climbs back into the Swirly Vortex and disappears. All eyes slowly turn onto Alex who is now blushing an impressive shade of red.]

Alex:
Well, there’s this certain point in the plot after the team comes to a universally acknowledged understanding, when they learn something pivotal. Before that, you could click your heels all the way to Santa Fe and not get anywhere. You had to learn something first.

Natalie:
So, there was a moral to this world?

Alex:
Yes! And that was... [Everyone mumbles] I can’t hear you...

Everyone:
That without cooperation we get no where...

Alex:
Aaand?

Everyone:
And Tweenkies are influenced by some of the worst pip culture icons in the world and must be saved...

Alex:
Aaaaaand?

Everyone:
And we shouldn’t get involved in any evil plots created by our fellow students...

Alex:
AND?

Everyone:
[Sigh] And munchkins should not be used as footballs.

Alex:
All right, good. Now we’ve got that straightened out... Kathleen, click your heels together three times, make a wish, and then ask for a new world.

Kathleen:
I get a wish out of the deal too? Sweet! [She closes her eyes, clicks her heels three times and makes a wish that none of the other heroes can hear.]

[The scene suddenly shifts to Johnny Depp floating high above in the sky. Suddenly a pack of winged monkeys descend upon him with a pair of scissors and cut the kite string. He plummets back towards Pea-Green City.]

Johnny Depp:
Shiiiiiiiiiiit!
[Fade to black]