#5- Hair World

#5
Hair World

Cube Count: Heroes, 4 Pool Boy, 0
[Scene opens to the song ‘Brighter Than Sunshine’ by Aqualung. Our heroes blink in the bright light and suddenly realize they are standing in what appears to be Ye Olde England... if it had suddenly gone all mouldy and had hair growing out of all the buildings.]

Alex:
Nuuh, the ground is squishy! Why is it so squishy?!

Natalie:
Don’t panic! Maybe... maybe it’s insulation.

Spencer:
...Why?

Natalie:
I don’t know! It was just a suggestion!

Spencer:
Yeah, well it was a stupid one.

Natalie:
Well excuuuuuse me!

Kathleen:
That’s enough out of you two! Cam, does the Swirly Vortex have any maps? Maybe we can figure out where we are.

Cam:
It should, let me check. [His head disappears into thin air. You can hear his muffled voice...] Hey! Hey Colbert, there’s food in the mini bar, you don’t have to hunt the Penguin! [His head suddenly reappears] Wait, did someone put a pundit in the Vortex? [The whole team shrugs while Spencer adverts his eyes nervously.]

Cam:
Urgh, never mind. [Head disappears again] Can you hand me that map over there?
Stephen Colbert’s Disembodied Voice:
What’s in it for me?

Cam:
A three day old copy of the New York Times and this half eaten Mars Bar...
Stephen Colbert’s Disembodied Voice:
Good enough, here.

Cam:
Thanks. [He pulls the map from the Vortex and lays it on the cushiony ground.] Okay, according to the astronomical makeup of system that we occupy, we should be somewhere in this region.

Kelti:
[Turning her head] It looks like a fifties pinup of Marilyn Monroe from this angle.

Cam:
Yes, that’s because it’s the Irresponsible-Drug-Heavy-System. And taking into account our current pattern, we should be somewhere right around her left nipple.

Kathleen:
Hair World?

Cam:
Hair World.

Johnny Depp:
Well that sounds lame.

Cam:
[As he begins to roll up the map.] Hey, I’m not the one that makes it up.

Johnny Depp:
[Snatching map] I’ll... erm, hold on to that.

Alex:
So Hair World is basically Ye Olde England but with Hair Growing out of it?

Natalie:
It’s very lovely hair. Here, stroke this luscious lock. It’s so silky smooth!

Kathleen:
I bet they use Garnier!

Cam:
I love Garnier!

Kathleen:
What?

Cam:
Nothing.

Spencer:
You know, logically this isn’t possible...

Kathleen:
Hey, what did I tell you about using your logic?

Spencer:
I don’t recall you ever saying anything about me using my logic, and seeing as I’m the only one here who seems to have any...

Kathleen:
Okay, well, don’t use it.

Spencer:
But-

Kathleen:
SO. HAIR WORLD, HUH?

Guard Nathan:
Halt! Who goes there?

Kathleen:
Ga!

Alex:
Oh come on, not again!

Cam:
Erm, well... we don’t really know where here is so... I guess technically we can’t answer that.

Alex:
Nice save, liar.

Cam:
Thanks.

Guard Nathan:
You’re in Hair World!

Cam:
Ah, then that would make us wandering minstrels.

Alex:
Aand, you lost it.

Johnny Depp:
[Hissing] You’ve known for a page and a half that we’re in Hair World and you came up with goddamned wandering minstrels?

Cam:
I panicked!

Kelti:
Panic this! [She smacks him up the side of the head]

Guard Nathan:
Wandering Minstrels, eh? You’ve come to perform for the God of Hair, right?

Kathleen:
[Sighing] Since there’s absolutely no way we can recover from this, yes, yes we have.

Guard Nathan:
Excellent! His Royal Godliness, Cody, will be most pleased!

Natalie:
Wait, Cody?

Kathleen:
As in King of Hair Cody?

Natalie:
Middle School Happy Table, Cody?

Kathleen:
[To Natalie] You know it is absolutely amazing we didn’t make enemies of everyone in that class.

Natalie:
I know, right? God, we were irritating.

Johnny Depp:
I’m not sure I’m following this cracked up conversation.

Cam:
Apparently Cody has really, really nice hair and I’d love to know what he uses in it....oh... [turns red.]

Spencer:
Well, that was disturbing.

Alex:
If you guys are done bantering, we’re almost at the castle doors! We’ve got to think of something and fast!

Kelti:
Aah! I’ve never burst into song and dance routines completely at random before!

Kathleen:
What about that time-

Kelti:
[Gritting teeth] Never. Before.

Guard Nathan:
God Cody is right beyond these doors, but before you go in there are a few rules you need to follow.

Johnny Depp:
Such as?

Guard Nathan:
One, anyone who uses Pantene Pro V must remain at least ten feet away from him at all times. He doesn’t like the large breasts depicted in the ads because they detract from the grandness of the models hair. [Alex takes a large step back.] Two, no petting his hair. And three, do not stare directly into his hair, as it might just burn out your retinas.

Kathleen:
And that is why he is King.

Guard Nathan:
God.

Kathleen:
God, right. Sorry.

[The Wandering Minstrels enter the hall behind Guard Nathan, who announce them with a rather lame trumpeting performance.]

Guard Nathan:
Your Highness, Wandering Minstrels are here to perform for you!

God Cody:
Are they screwed?

Guard Nathan:
No sir.

Narrator:
At this point I’d like to mention that the term ‘screwed’ being used here was frequently found in Cody’s vocabularly when-

God Cody:
I see. Do you not know how to act in front of Royalty?

[The heroes nervously exchange glances before Kelti and Natalie both shrug. Kelti drives for Spencer, Natalie for Cam, and there follows this sort of awkward make out scene.]

God Cody:
Ga! Stop! Stop it right now! That’s not what I meant at all! I meant you were supposed to bow for... stop nibbling on his ear! [I’ll leave it up to your sick imaginations to wonder who was nibbling on who’s ear.]

[After a very long moment of awkward silence the group nervous bows, not very well either.]

God Cody:
That’s better. [He suddenly begins to eye Spencer’s hands] Why, your hands are like delicate porcelain flowers glittering in the sunset after a storm of childrens tears!

Spencer:
Thank...you?

Cam:
Tell him what you use on them, Spence.

Spencer:
Oh, it’s this combination of vitamin e with lavender and vanilla bean... Wait, you’re just trying to make me look really gay!

Cam:
Believe me, at this point it doesn’t take a lot of effort on my part.

God Cody:
You shall be my new royal shampooer!

Kelti:
Ha. Pooer.

Johnny Depp:
[Raising fist] No fair! I have really nice hands too!

God Cody:
Perhaps, but your knuckles are knotted like a man who does physical labour.

Spencer:
Yeah... wait....

Kathleen:
Besides, we need to keep you in mint condition. Ha! Get it? Mint condition?
[A very long, awkward silence.]

God Cody:
Weren’t you sent to entertain me? I don’t feel entertained!
[He does a hair flip. In the original play the Herbal Essence theme played but because that’s impossible to find and I’m lazy, we hear ‘Wonderful’ by Chantal Kreviazuk play because it’s on all the Garnier hair dye commercials.]

Alex:
Wow, that is some nice hair.

Kathleen:
Okay, Minstrels. On the count of three, everyone sing. One, two, three!
[Everyone begins to sing their own individual songs.]

Kathleen:
Kissing girls, you shouldn’t kiss! Oh, I know, I know I’m gonna miss–
[Hawksley Workman’s ‘Kissing Girls (You Shouldn’t Kiss)’]

Kelti:
Maybe I’ve been the problem, maybe I’m the one to blame--
[Switchfoot’s ‘Stars’]

Cam:
And you ask me what I want this year, and I try to make this kind and clear-
[Goo Goo Doll’s ‘Better Days’]

Alex:
Hey, hey you, you I don’t like your girlfriend--
[Avril Lavigne’s ‘Girlfriend’]

Johnny Depp:
We come from the land of the ice and snow-
[Led Zeppelin’s ‘Immigrant Song’]

Spencer:
It doesn’t hurt me, you want to feel how it feels. You wanna know, know that it doesn’t hurt meeee-
[Kate Bush’s ‘Running Up That Hill’]

[Everyone stops to stare at him]

Spencer:
What?

Kathleen:
Seriously? Kate Bush?

Spencer:
Yeah...

Cam:
Dude, Johnny and I both chose manlier songs than that.

Alex:
Better Days could be arguable.

Cam:
Whatever! At least it’s sung by a guy!

God Cody:
Enough! Either sing me something about hair, or something where I can chime in!

Kathleen:
Oh! Oh! I know just the song!
[The most badass song I have heard in ages starts. ‘We Started This Opera Shit’ from Repo The Genetic Opera begins]

Kathleen:
Eeeeeverybody, everybody, get down, get down!
Sister, sister, stand up! Don’t be shy!
[Everyone begins to chime in right to this point....]

Kathleen:
State. Your. Names!

God Cody:
Oh! Oh! Cody! I mean, Genterns!
[The song continues, with Kathleen doing that badass band leader part because I’ve been looking for an excuse to sing it.]

Everyone:
Everybody! Everybody make your genetics your bitch!
[Suddenly out of nowhere!]

Jessie:
Testify!

[Song finally ends]

Everyone:
Jessie!

Johnny Depp:
Wait, who are you?

Jessie:
I’m Jessie! I’m the missing member of the team! Yay me!

Kathleen:
Yay you! Just in time Jess! We were just performing for Cody, God of Hair World!

Jessie:
So I noticed!

Cam:
I can’t believe I just randomly burst into song like that.

Natalie:
And not very well I might add.

Cam:
Oh and I suppose you’re the Charlotte-Church-In-Her-Early-Days of the group, aren’t you?

Natalie:
I never claimed to be!

Cam:
Oh but you’re obviously much better than me isn’t that right?

Kelti:
You both suck, now if you don’t mind I think we might have a problem!
[Everyone turns to find Kathleen being magically drawn towards Cody with her hand outstretched.]

Kathleen:
Must... pet... hair.

God Cody:
Ga! What are you doing? You’re screwed and you smell of Pantene, stay away from me!

Kathleen:
I can’t help it! My hands have a mind of their own!

Everyone:
Eww!

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Oh snap!

Kathleen:
Shut up! [She finally succumbs to her desires and pets Cody’s hair. How’s that for a suggestive phrase?]

Cody:
Aah! It burns! Why is it burning!?!

Spencer:
[As he prepares to lather] Well it has to do with pain sensitivity and nerve endings..

Kathleen:
What did I tell you about being scientific? And don’t say I didn’t tell you anything, because we just went over it!

God Cody:
Yes! If you’re going to be that scientific then you’re out of a job! It gives me split ends! By the way, Ga! It still burns! Guards! Arrest that hair fondling wench before she strikes again!

Kathleen:
Hey! I am not the wench in this play!

Natalie:
Yeah! And I resent being replaced!

God Cody:
[Painful hair flip] I can’t hear you over the burning!

Cam:
We know, we know. It burns. Bla bla bla. Drink from a hose or something.

Kelti:
Ha!

God Cody:
Kathleen, you are hereby banned from Hair World! You will be sent to the deserted tropical island of my choice where the natives aren’t friendly–

Natalie:
Wait, if there are Island Natives then it wouldn’t be deserted now would it?

God Cody:
Shut your yap! Argh! She’s making another move! [Jessie leaps forward in an effort to stop Kathleen from petting Cody’s hair again. They land on the ground, a moment later Cody pulls a lever and they fall into a deep pit and out of sight.]

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
You can’t do that! We have to follow strict hero rules! There must be a perky leader at all times! Cody, you’ve betrayed me! Now you must pay the ultimate price!

Alex:
You’re going to kill him?

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
I’m tired of your insolence!

Alex:
What insol-

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Silence! Me talky now! You keep this up and you’ll join her on the Deserted Island!

Natalie:
What Deserted Island? Kat’s there. Jessie’s there. Island Natives are there...

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Don’t throw your logic at me! I’m on the freaking Enterprise! I’m close enough to punch Spock right into The Next Generation!

Spencer:
No need to get antsy, she’s just pointing out the flaw-

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
There is no flaw! My plan is perfect!

Johnny Depp:
So, um, where are we going with this?

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
I was trying to punish Cody?

Kelti:
By doing what? Being loud and irritating?

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
I will kill you so dead you will not be able to recover!

Spencer:
But-

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Oh I am so done with this shit. [The room suddenly fills with funkatronic smoke. As it disappears it reveals The Evil Betty, fully embodied.]

The Evil Betty:
There, that’s better. Now where was I.

Johnny Depp:
Being irritated by us.

The Evil Betty:
Oh right! Let me see... Kill you so dead... done with shit... Okay, Cody, as your punishment you must... [dramatic pause] eat this cupcake!

God Cody:
O...kay. [He munches down the cupcake and very quickly begins acting in a drug induced manner.]

The Evil Betty:
What the hell? William!

[William Shatner appears out of nowhere]

William Shatner:
Yes, my bodacious space bride?

The Evil Betty:
What kind of cupcakes are these?

William Shatner:
[Shamefully] Special ones...

The Evil Betty:
And where exactly did you get the ‘special’ ingredient?

William Shatner:
...Spock...

The Evil Betty:
Goddammnit, Shatner! Jesus, okay, here Cody, eat this cupcake.

God Cody:
Yeah, okay, cool. Hey, you know what’s cool?

Spencer:
No, please tell us.

God Cody:
Fingers, I’ve got nine. Wait, no ten.
[‘Zeal Island Theme’ from Chrono Trigger begins to play because it has that whole modern groovy trippyness that allows for a montage of drug-induced 70's homages to play without seeming too bizarre.]

Natalie:
Oy vey.

The Evil Betty:
Cody, just eat it! I’m trying to punish you!

God Cody:
Okay, I have the munchies anyways. [He scarfs down the second cupcake.]

Cam:
Never underestimate the power of the munchies.
[Cody scratches his head, only to find a big handful of hair comes out.]

Alex:
Ew!

William Shatner:
They have shampoo to stop that, you know.

Spencer:
Back off, bud. There’s only one royal shampooer in this world.
[Meanwhile, Cody’s remaining hair has fallen out.]

God Cody:
Ga! It no longer burns but I’m feeling a healthy breeze! [He glances up to find Cam blowing on his skull.] That’s not funny!

William Shatner:
You’re as bald as Jean-Luc Picard!

The Evil Betty:
And with that, I bid you adieux. Scotty, beam us up!

Scotty’s Disembodied Voice:
A beam for two, ma’am?

The Evil Betty:
Yes please.
[Suddenly The Evil Betty and Shatner disappear in a cloud of funkatronic smoke and one of those fancy space, beam, things.]

Natalie:
So, Cody is bald and high, Kathleen and Jessie fell through the floor and we have no cube piece.

Spencer:
All in all, a very successful day!

Alex:
Shut up, Spencer.

Natalie:
All we’ve got it a pile of hair...

Johnny Depp:
That Cody is frantically trying to glue to his head.
[Suddenly a gust of wind picks up the hair and it lands in a neat little pile at the feet of our heroes.]

Natalie:
Urgh, that is so uncalled for.

Alex:
What do we do with it?

Cam:
Nothing, it’s hair on the floor. Do you usually touch hair on the floor?

Spencer:
[Singing] Dancing queen! Feel the beat of the tambourine!

[Everyone stops to stare at him, failing to notice for a moment that the pile of hair has somehow transformed into a cube piece. A note is attached to it which Alex picks up rather hesitantly and reads aloud.]

Alex:
Congradulations. You have followed the trail of hints, travelled far and wide, and discovered this World’s secret. Your prize is a cube piece. All the best, Evil Betty. XOXO

Johnny Depp:
What hints? What travelling? We haven’t moved from this spot in over thirteen pages!

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
What the hell? I put a lot of thought into this world! I had an elaborate plan and you’ve ruined it! What sort of normal boy sings ‘Dancing Queen’?

[Suddenly Edjuardo appears out of nowhere, as he usually does.]

Edjuardo:
I’ve figured it out! I’ve followed all the clues and travelled far and wide! Now all I have to do is sing ‘Dancing Queen’ and- what?

Kelti:
Sorry, been there, done that.

Edjuardo:
Dammit!

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Definite A+ for effort though.

[Edjuardo begins to rant in very violent Spanish.]

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Okay, well, guess you should get a new world now. Umm, Cody, can you stop crying? I’m trying to concentrate.

God Cody:
I [Sob] can’t [blubber] help it!

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Oh for the love of Jimi Hendrix.

[‘Stairway to Heaven’ starts playing]

Narrator:
Our heroes suddenly find themselves without floor beneath their feet.

Spencer:
Now that’s interesting turn of events.

Kelti:
Why did she play Stairway to Heaven? There’s no stairway, this sure as hell ain’t heaven.

Johnny Depp:
I wanna go home.

Spencer:
This is illogical, I just don’t get-

Narrator:
All the while they have been falling.

Alex:
Yeah, more importantly, where are we falling to?

Spencer:
[Singing] And as we wind on down the road,
our shadows taller than our souls...

Narrator:
The scene fades out, much like it does when Alice falls down the Rabbit Hole in ever version of Alice in Wonderland that has ever been made anywhere ever.