#3- Anime World

#3

Anime World

Cube Count: Heroes 2, Pool Boy 0

Narrator:

Previously on The Stage Play: reVAMP our heroes were sent on the adventure of a life time as their one time alley, The Evil Betty, demanded they retrieve for her the 27 pieces of the Cube of Evil. After two successful retrievals from Ye Olde England and Wonderland, the heroes find themselves somewhere strange and new and terrifying and generally icky.

[Scene opens to the song ‘Child Symphony’ by Joe Hisaishi (at least that’s what Limewire called it.) Kathleen is standing in the middle of a giant ballroom. The entire cast up to this point including obscure characters like Alan Rickman and the Caterpillar/Butterfly are dancing around madly. It’s like Beauty and the Beast only sort of nauseating.]

Kathleen:

What the hell is going on? Wait-! [She grabs the nearest dancer, who happens to be Kelti. Suddenly, VERY suddenly, Kelti turns into an Alsatian. The dog sort, not someone from Alsace.]

Kathleen:

Kelti! Why have you turned into an Alsatian?

Narrator:

Plus one Black Adder reference.

Kelti:

[As Alsatian] Why not, Kathleen? It’s super kawaiiiiii!

Kathleen:

[Clamping hands over ears] Stop saying that!!

[The scene melts away quite suddenly and we see Kathleen laying on the ground, unconscious, with all the heroes standing around her screaming at each other.]

Kathleen:

[Coming out of her daze] Why are you guys screaming!? [No one is paying attention to her even as she stands up, dusts herself off, and realizes that she, as well as everyone else, is now done up anime style... big eyes and all folks.] Guys, hey! Chill out! [No one is paying attention so she bellows] SHUT. UP.

Cam:

[Turning to Kathleen] Stop yelling at me! Oh, you’re up.

Kathleen:

What the hell is going on?!

Alex:

Someone’s [she looks pointedly at Cam] bizarre anime fantasy has brought us here and now we’re all 2D and sweating bullets!

Cam:

My bizarre fantasies? Excuse me, but I do NOT have bizarre anime fantasies!

[There is a moment of silence before everyone does the cliched ‘Stunned Fall-Over’.]

Natalie:

Okay [Gets up and rips a random white bandage off of her head] This is going to get old very quick...

Spencer:

[Removing a large inexplicable white bandage off of his arm and observing himself for wounds, of which none exist.] Face it Cam, this is almost entirely your fault.

Alex:

Yeah, in fact-

Narrator:

And now for a commercial break.

[scene changes to the lair of The Evil Betty... her cubicle back at John Doe Inc. She sits brooding over a series of very complicated sketch drawings of what appears to be some sort of mega tea-pot with poison dart apparatus.]

The Evil Betty:

Dammit! This plan makes no sense! How am I supposed to get the tea into the cup without poisoning myself?

Narrator:

You’re sort of batting 0 for 4 on the evil plan thing, aren’t you?

The Evil Betty:

You shut up! The only reason you’re here is to keep things roll- [She stops mid sentence. A bright beam of funky coloured light suddenly pours over her. Before she can cry foul, The Evil Betty finds herself aboard...]

The Evil Betty:

The Starship Enterprise?

William Shatner:

Captains log... star date.... 184...2....36...29572.

The Evil Betty:

[Begins swooning] You’re William Shatner!

William Shatner:

You must call me... Captain Kirk...here...on the Enterprise.

The Evil Betty:

[Muttering to self] I, The Evil Betty, am living every Trekkies dream. Now if only I can somehow use this to my advantage...

William Shatner:

I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name! I’m Captain Kirk, of the Starship Enterprise!

The Evil Betty:

A little repetitive but what the hey! I am The Evil Betty, Malefic Overlord of the company John Doe Inc!

William Shatner:

Why Evil Betty, I must say... You have the...most....beautiful eyes... in all the cosmos.

Spock:

Hey!

William Shatner:

Yes, yes yours are very lovely too, Mr. Spock. But Betty here...her ears are like tiny slices of avocado, her lips the shade of monkey’s blood, and her eyes! My God, Mr. Spock have you seen her eyes?

The Evil Betty:

[Raising her fist, preparing to strike] Why I outta! Wait, is William Shatner hitting on me? Erm [clears throat] Thank you, Captain Kirk.

William Shatner:

No, no. Call me William Shatner.

The Evil Betty:

But didn’t you just say–

William Shatner:

Screw that. Mr. Spock, you have control of the Bridge. I will be in my chambers with this delectable fruit salad.

The Evil Betty:

Wait a minute! I’m the evil one here, you can’t just abduct-ooh...

Narrator:

Well folks, you can use your own sick imaginations from here. Let’s go back to our heroes! [Scene changes to the heroes who haven’t moved from where we left them]

Narrator:

Previously on... ANIME WORLD. Our heroes discuss the possibility of Cam’s strange obsession taking hold over the inter-dimensional realms.

Kathleen:

Listen, as your chosen leader it is my responsibility to be upstanding, idealistic, super hot and probably the main protagonist.

Kelti:

Well aren’t we feeling a little egotistical? As one of the token chicks it’s my job to have large boobs and know what I’m doing only half the time.

Alex:

Don’t worry, as the over-zealous nerdy sidekick it’s my job to frequently get into situations that require me to be rescued– Why am I saying this?

Johnny Depp:

I’m ‘The Other Guy’ that every female within the show or watching the show is attracted to–dammit!

Cam:

Don’t you see? We’re morphing into the traditional cliched anime group! I’m the creepy guy with classes that is always sprouting useless information!

Natalie:

And I’m the other token female, constantly battling Kelti for the affection of the ‘Other Guy’!

Spencer:

And I’m the ‘Big Guy’!

[A moment of awkward silence, followed by everyone excluding Spencer, bursting into a fit of laughter because, you see, he isn’t big...at all.]

Kathleen:

[Snicking] Actually Spence, you’ve sprouted a pair of...what are those, ears? I’d say it’s your job to play the cutsie animal companion.

Cindal:

Well, what about me?

Cam:

[Snorting, probably because of some nasal condition given to ‘the creepy guy with glasses’.] According to my sources, only those with weak resilience to anime will fall into the ‘group’ category. Those who are too strong willed or just generally don’t care about anime are, for the most part, immune.

Cindal:

Awe-some. You guys are total nerds.

Kathleen:

Listen, we might as well-

Narrator:

[interrupting] Now that our heroes have discovered what roles they are meant to play, what will they do next?

Kathleen:

I was getting to that, you irritating disembodied voice! [Clears throat] Okay, we’re in the middle of a big ol’ city street. Obviously this is some weird culmination of whatever animes the playwright can think of. I think our best bet would be to split up and find this cube piece so we can get out of here as fast as we can.

Cam:

First, [snort] I think it’s important we establish something.

Kathleen:

And what would that be creepy guy with glasses?

Cam:

Well, according to this guide I have here [He holds up a book called ‘LEARNING ANIME WORLD’ by Doctor Phil.] Now that we’ve established ourselves we can use the Swirly Vortex.

Alex:

Oo! That sounds neat! What is it? How does it work? Show us! [Clearly being over-zealous] I am SO excited to see what this Swirly Vort-dammit! I hate being the sidekick!

Natalie:

Just show us, Cam... [As she walks by Spencer her large Anime boobs hit him in the back, sending him sprawling forward.] Oops! Sorry Spencer! [Tee Hee]

[Meanwhile Johnny Depp just stands off to the side looking dark and broody.]

Cam:

It works like this! [He thrusts his hand into mid air, as if reaching into a bag of groceries. Despite there being nothing there, his hand clearly disappears. A moment later he removes it to reveal a bento box, as I’m told those are very popular.]

Kathleen:

Wait, how did you do that?

Cam:

It’s the Swirly Vortex! [snort] It has everything you need!

Spencer:

Are you telling me that you can just pull anything you want out of mid air?

Cam:

Anyone can if you believe!

Spencer:

Good, can you pull out a hacksaw and get rid of the TAIL I HAVE RANDOMLY SPROUTED?

Cam:

[Anime sweat-drop] Erm, no. You’re on your own for that one.

Kathleen:

[Patting Spencer on the head] Aww, aren’t you just the cutest little snuggle bug?

Kelti:

Kathleen, you’re talking to Spencer-

Kathleen:

[Suddenly grabs a chibi version of the new half-Spencer-half-cat-like-creature and squeezes him really hard.] Shut up, he’s adorable. I’m going to call him Snookums.

Cam:

[Checking his large volume of Anime cliches] That would make Spencer the cute, unnecessary character that appeals to a younger audience but is otherwise loathsome to the adults within the group.

Alex:

[Still over-zealous] This is all so fantastic! [^__^] I want to use the swirly vortex!

Cam:

Go right ahead!

[Alex reaches into midair and pulls out a lollypop, which is too big for her and yet she somehow manages to fit it into her mouth, thus distorting her whole face in a very cutsie sort of way.]

Cam:

Wait, candy? You used the super-awesome-badass powers of the swirly vortex for candy?

Natalie:

Well why not? [She helps herself to a bag of Doritos (note the insertion of something easily identified as Western.)] What have you been using it for?

Cam:

Not food, that’s for sure!

Kelti:

Wait, let’s establish what the Swirly vortex does so anyone not living in our world ‘gets it’. Cam, if you would?

Cam:

Certainly, the Swirly Vortex is what we in the asylum call an eighteenth dimension. Essentially it is a combination of every dimension possible. However due to the gravitational pull of Saturn and Pluto’s recent demotion, a certain amount of pressure has been built up within the vortex, which caused it to pull in anything and everything while it continues to exist in its original dimension.

Johnny Depp:

So what you’re trying to tell us is that it has everything we could possibly need in it?

Cam:

Everything except when plot advancement demands otherwise.

Alex::

So, can’t we get the cube pieces from it?

Cam:

That would be one of those times I just told you about.

Kelti:

Lot of use you are, Cam!

Cam:

Why are you yelling?

Kelti:

I don’t know! But I sure feel really angry! [ >:( ]

Kathleen:

[Still squishing Spencer] Oh my gawd! You are just too adorable! Talk about super kawaii!

Johnny Depp:

[Looks disgusted] Baka...

Kathleen:

Okay [she drops the Spencer-cat, who goes all X__X when he hits the ground, toes in the air, that sort of thing.] Let’s split up. Cam, Natalie, you go over there. Alex, Kelti, take that place over there. Cindal, take suspiciously cute Spencer creature and head south. Johnny and I are going west. Let’s meet up back here, say, in half an hour?

Narrator:

And now a commercial break!

[Scene changes to The Evil Betty upon the Starship Enterprise.]

The Evil Betty:

Let me see if I understand you right, Shatner... You are proposing marriage...

William Shatner:

Of sorts.

The Evil Betty:

My evil world domineering plans and your Starship which is capable of inter-dimensional travel.

William Shatner:

Plus light speed, did I mention light speed?

The Evil Betty:

Yes, yes you did. Twice in fact.

William Shatner:

My love, let me assist you in your dastardly deeds. Every moment I spend with you I become more and more enchanted.

The Evil Betty:

I must consider your offer for a time... After all, if I accept your help I would have to later admit that I received said help once my plan is complete, thus detracting from my own glorious triumph.

William Shatner:

That’s a good point. What if I just help you like a helpless space dog?

The Evil Betty:

No, no. You don’t have to rise to the occasion. How about this, I shall hire your ship and crew, and you shall be my second in command. Together we can rule the cosmos! Maw haha!

William Shatner:

Maw haha? Really, my love?

The Evil Betty:

What, too much?

William Shatner:

Maw haha just seems so Austen Powers to me.

The Evil Betty:

Oh, well we don’t want that. Never mind, I’ll have plenty of time to work on my evil laugh later.

Narrator:

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Kathleen:

....head south. Johnny and I are going west. Let’s meet up back here, say, in half an hour? [She pauses, blinks] Wait, didn’t I already say that?

Narrator:

Oh yeah, I forgot to warn you about the fifteen second recap that has to happen after every commercial break.

Kathleen:

You also failed to mention the presence of an irritating narrator always breathing down our necks!

Narrator:

Just doing my job lady.

Kathleen:

[Angry/frustrated face! >.<] Just split up!

[The camera follows Alex and Kelti as they head towards the nearest set of street lights. As the walk sign turns green, Kelti strikes a pose.]

Alex:

W-what are you doing there, Kel?

Kelti:

I am preparing to walk!

Alex:

Yeah? How bout that, good for you. Why are you telling me?

Kelti:

I don’t know!

Alex:

Well, do you want to walk?

Kelti:

No, I have to power up first!

Alex:

Why are you yelling everything?

Kelti:

Girl, you just don’t get it do you? [She scrunches up her face like so >.<>

[As Kelti prepares to walk Alex yanks her back onto the sidewalk.]

Alex:

We missed out chance you idiot! You and your stupid power bar took too long!

[Kelti simply grins and gives the peace sign.]

[Scene changes to Natalie and Cam who are suddenly in a giant room filled with random anime characters. I say random because my knowledge of anime in general is fairly limited and I have to use the ones I DO know later on for more concentrated jokes. That probably means the characters that are mentioned in this room probably won’t behave as they normally would, because I just can’t handle this, seriously.]

Natalie:

Well this is helpful, they’re all wearing name tags!

Cam:

[Snort] According to the book of cliches, they’re wearing the name tags because all the background characters tend to look exactly the same.

Natalie:

But... these aren’t background characters.

[At this point I feel it is important to mention that because Natalie is being forced to play the dumb token girl role, she is pronouncing every characters name wrong. We’re going with phonetic spelling here, people, so if you can figure out who the character really is you get a cookie!]

Natalie:

Look, that is clearly Exllos.

Cam:

Xellos, Natalie.

Natalie:

[Ignoring him] And look, Eh-yeah Meecage!

Cam:

[Falls over] Aya Mikage!

Natalie:

[Still ignoring] I wonder if she’s ever heard the song ‘Hey Yeah’? I bet she’d really like it!

Cam:

My god! It’s like Anime World has sucked our your brains!

Natalie:

Oh Cammy, you are so super kawaii! ^_____^

Cam:

Okay, let’s just see if anyone has the cube and get out of here.

Natalie:

Excuse me! Little animated people? Yes, we’re looking for an evil cube piece. A cube is like four squares all arranged together to form a box!

Kagome:

...Are you stupid?

Natalie:

No silly, I’m Natalie!

Cam:

[Angry bulging vein followed by a falling over toes in the air act] Meep!

[Scene changes to Kathleen and Johnny, who are currently struggling to untangle themselves from yards and yards of red string.]

Kathleen:

How did we even get into this mess?

Johnny Depp:

Don’t you remember?

[Scene changes, flashback style! We see Johnny Depp strolling along a street, whistling, looking jolly, and then stopping at a gas station to observe the high oil prices. Scene changes back to present day. We see Kathleen, behind her is a bunch of raging flames. Her head is very large and her body very tiny.]

Kathleen:

What has that got to do with anything?!

Johnny Depp:

Nothing, I just didn’t feel like making up anything more complicated than that.

Kathleen:

[Muttering] Baka...

[Just as they manage to get themselves untangled from the string, a red and white ball flies through the air and hits Johnny Depp on the head. He falls over, gets up and of course, has a bandage on his head. The ball breaks open to reveal Pikachu.]

Kathleen:

Ga! Rat-thing!

Pikachu:

[With a thick New Jersey accent] Hey lady, wadda you starin’ at?

Johnny Depp:

What is it? O.o

Kathleen:

[Poking Pikachu with a random inexplicable stick.] Some sort of... mammal I guess.

Pikachu:

I’ll be whateveh you want me to be sweet cheeks.

[The traditional ‘Blue Blush of Anger’ appears on Kathleen’s face, but before she can react someone comes running down the street.]

Ash:

Pikachu! Thank god I found you! I was so worried!

Pikachu:

Dude, I told you, I quit. The hours are lousy and you don’t feed me diddly squat. You want me to battle that Squirtle then you better start giving me benefits.

Ash:

[Laughing nervously] Benefits, what are you talking about? You’re just a pokemon!

Pikachu:

You know what, jackass? I’m also cute as hell. I’ll call PETA, they’ll be on your ass so fast...

Ash:

Hey, what did I tell you about making threats?

Pikachu:

What did I tell you about lookin’ at me with that ugly mug, huh? HUH?

[Ash and Pikachu begin to walk across the street, still arguing loudly, when in the distance we can hear someone announce loudly ‘DRIVE CAR’. Half a second later Pikachu and Ash are mercilessly mowed down, thus ending their suffering, as well as ours.]

Kathleen:

All right then, that was an interesting turn of events.[She scrambles out of the mess of red string.] So, keep going?

Johnny Depp:

As long as we can go where there aren’t small rodents, sure.

Kathleen:

Then... you might not want to look down.

Johnny Depp:

Why– oh come on! [At his feet sits Hamtaro, as well as the rest of his other rodenty friends.] He ate my shoe lace!

Kathleen:

Dude, you’re a billion times his size. Just step on them!

Johnny Depp:

[Gaps] Are you a completely soulless bitch?

Kathleen:

That accusation is still up for debate! Now come on!

Narrator:

And now for another commercial break!

Kathleen:

Auurgh! No! No more commercial breaks! Let’s just find the cube and get the hell out of here!

[Scene shifts back to Alex and Kelti who are just getting out of a car. The front bumper is covered in what appears to be the remains of a Pikachu, but we can’t be certain...]

Kelti:

CRACKING KNUCKLES. [She cracks her knuckles.]

Alex:

Seriously, why do you keep announcing everything you do just before you actually do I-

Kelti:

[Sobbing as she continues to crack her knuckles] I [sob] don’t know!

Alex:

Simon says stop! [Kelti stops cracking her knuckles] All right, there we go. Hey look, it’s Tuxedo Mask! He’s hot! [Turning to Kelti.] Don’t you think he’s – Hey, you’ve got a nosebleed!

Kelti:

[Hiding her shame] Shut up!

Alex:

Never mind! I feel like doing something productive don’t you? Gosh, I just love going on adventures– dammit!

Kelti:

[Snorts] Ha! You’re overzealous!

Alex:

At least I don’t get nosebleeds every time a hot guy shows up!

Kelti:

I have a clotting condition! >:(

Narrator:

Meanwhile...

Alex:

SHUT. UP. [To Kelti.] All right, let’s just find Kathleen and get the hell out of here. We can let Edjuardo have this one.

Kelti:

I don’t think Kat would appreciate that.

Alex:

I don’t give a flying monkeys rectum what Kathleen cares about-

[Scene changes abruptly to Kathleen and Johnny Depp. Kathleen is now sneezing uncontrollably.]

Johnny Depp:

Eww, they have allergen medications for that you know.

Kathleen:

I -achoo- do not have allergies! I don’t know -achoo- what is going -achoo- on! Dammit!

Narrator:

Meanwhile Cindal and Spencer are bored with Anime World and taking what they consider to be a well deserved break on a park bench.

Cindal:

I could make you a little leash!

Spencer:

[Who has now turned into some sort of oddly adorable cat-like creature.] I do not need a leash! Purrr.

Cindal:

There’s got to be some rules about having pets out in public without leashes, I’m sure.

Spencer:

Shut up and scratch me behind the ear. [Cindal complies.]

Stranger:

Excuse me, Miss. You have to have your irritating humanoid pet on a leash.

Cindal:

Told you so! I’m so sorry- [She glances up.] Wait, are you Stephen Colbert?

Stephen Colbert:

Why yes, yes I am!

Cindal:

[Breaking the fourth barrier] Well this is unexpected. What are you doing in Anime World?

Stephen Colbert:

Oh, just making a pointless cameo.

Cindal:

Ah, well that makes sense. Say, Mr. Colbert. There’s something I’ve always wanted to ask you.

Stephen Colbert:

Oh?

Cindal:

Why can’t you just shut up in your interviews? Just for, like, five seconds! I actually am sort of interested in hearing what they have to say, you know!

Stephen Colbert:

Well, it’s just my charact-

Cindal:

I don’t care! Sometimes people actually want to hear what the democrats have to say!

Stephen Colbert:

But-

Cindal:

No, no. You know what? Someone has to teach you a lesson. [Cindal pulls the invisible Swirly Vortex over Stephen Colbert, he disappears into thin air.] And you stay in there until you learn to let others have a chance!

Spencer:

You do realize you just put Stephen Colbert in the Swirly Vortex, right?

Cindal:

I’m sure he’ll be fine.

Spencer:

Can he breathe?

[Cindal leans her head towards the Vortex and listens. We can hear faint complaints rising up from the invisible spot in mid air.]

Cindal:

Nothing to worry about.

[As the camera backs up we can see a flock of ravens (murder or ravens? Whatever) rising through the trees and flying over head. ‘Trampled Rose’ by Robert Plant and Allison Krauss begins to play. The camera follows the ravens into the big anime city. Suddenly, a raven falls out of mid air and lands at the feet of Cam and Natalie.]

Natalie:

Oh no! The poor thing! I am so utterly heartbroken by the death of the unimportant character! What will we do without random raven number 3?

Cam:

[Chanting by the raven] Namu amidabutsu, namu amidabutsu...

Natalie:

Cam, what are you doing?

Cam:

Uh... praying for the dead?

Natalie:

Well stop it. Hey, is your nose bleeding?

[Kathleen and Johnny Depp approach.]

Kathleen:

Oo, a dead raven. That’s a bad sign, y’know?

Johnny Depp:

Seems to me this entire world is chalked full of bad signs and little special hidden meanings.

Kathleen:

Yeah, it’s actually pretty in depth when you think about it. So, anyone have any luck with finding a cube piece?

Natalie:

No! But I made lots of new friends!

Cam:

Your boobs made lots of new friends!

Natalie:

And me and my boobs are going to have a party with our new friends and you won’t be invited!

Kathleen:

Fantastic, you know Edjaurdo might have the cube piece by now? We’d have to battle him for it or something... Damn this plot sucks.

Natalie:

Oh don’t be such a negative nelly!

Kathleen:

[blink, blink] Did you just call me a-

Natalie:

Yup!

Kathleen:

... Bitch!

Natalie:

Tee hee! Super kawaii!

Cam:

Gwen Stefani you are dead, you hear me? You are freakin’ dead!

Kathleen:

[Sighing] Never mind, maybe the others had more luck.

[The others approach from all directions.]

Alex:

Well, we had no luck.

Johnny Depp:

You were saying?

Kelti:

STANDING STILL. TALKING TO KATHLEEN. Dude, we have to get out of here I can’t keep doing this. SCRATCHING NOSE. Please, Kathleen, let’s just let him have the cube piece and get out of here..

Kathleen:

Cam, does your big book of freaking Anime stuff explain what’s wrong with Kelti?

Cam:

Apparently she’s suffering from ‘Called Shot’ syndrome. It happens in a lot of those animes where fighting is a big thing. You know, before the hero actually starts fighting they announce what they’re going to do.

Cindal:

Isn’t that sort of like giving their enemy a heads up?

Cam:

No one said it made any sense!

Kelti:

KILLING. SELF.

[Everyone gasps in unison, just because I don’t think it’s happened yet.]

Spencer:

Don’t fret, Kelti! We’ll find a cube and get out of here! You’ll be good as new!

Johnny Depp:

[Clearly bored] Look, it’s the Sailor Scouts. Let’s ask them what to do.

Kathleen:

You could put a it more enthusiasm into it, you know.

Johnny Depp:

Nuh-uh. I’m supposed to be broody!

Kathleen:

Yeah, but still- No, no, I’m not going to argue with Johnny Depp about his broodiness. Let’s just get out of here. Hey! Hey Sailor Moon! Stop your whining for a sec, we have a question!

Sailor Mars:

Wait, wait, we’re in a hurry. You guys haven’t seen a silver cyrstal around here anywhere, have you?

Alex:

Nope, can’t say that we have.

Sailor Mars:

Oh just perfect. Right when Serena was about to beat the snot out of Beryl she had to go and lose the crystal. Way to go, Serena!

Sailor Moon:

Raaaaae, you’re soooo meeeeean!

Sailor Mercury:

Both of you shut up! I’m so sick and tired of playing the peace keeper between you two. It’s always ‘Serena lost that’ and ‘Rae’s a bitch waaa’. Not to mention Hotaru always trying to repress her urge to destroy the world and Lita always getting into fight- [She is punched by Sailor Jupiter]

Sailor Jupiter:

Woops.

Sailor Venus:

What about me? Aren’t I annoying? Don’t I deserve more screen time? Why won’t you love me?!

Sailor Mercury:

[Recovering from the blow] And then, then we’ve got Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune going at it like rabbits!

Johnny Depp:

This play is no longer rated G.

Kathleen:

Nope.

Sailor Mercury:

Well, I quit! I’m so sick of this bullshit! [She tosses her wand to Alex.] Congradulations, you’re the new Sailor Mercury.

Alex:

M-me?

Sailor Mercury:

Yeah, you. Don’t screw up. [She rips away her costume to reveal her normal school clothes.] Oh my god, that feels so gooood. You know not everyone likes a healthy breeze.

Kelti:

KILLING SAILOR MERCURY.

[No one bothers to stop her.]

Kathleen:

Okay, well... Now that’s dealt with maybe we could find the cube piece.

Alex:

[Still amazed] I’m... Sailor Mercury?

Natalie:

[Scoffing] I never liked her anyways...

Johnny Depp:

Can we focus, people? We need to find the cube piece!

Kathleen:

Well well, look who’s getting into it.

Johnny Depp:

[Goes back into surly mode.]

Cindal:

Hey! Isn’t that... Um... shit who’s an anime character?

Kelti:

Shannon from Scrapped Princess?

Cindal:

Yes! Exactly! Isn’t that Shannon from Scrapped Princess holding a cube piece?

Cam:

Oh just perfect, how are we supposed to get a cube piece from him? He’s like... uber swordsman.

Kelti:

PREPARING TO ENTER BATTLE.

Kathleen:

No, no. I have a better idea. Cam, Vortex me.

[If the Swirly Vortex could change hands, it would at this point. Kathleen reaches in and begins to search around.] Cam, do people like in the vortex?

Cam:

What? No, why?

Kathleen:

Oh nothing, I thought I just felt someone’s ear.

Voice of Stephen Colbert:

Ga! That’s the only one I hear out of!

Kathleen:

All right. [She pulls out a piece of paper.]

Spencer:

That’s it? I was hoping for a flame thrower, or maybe some worms medication.

Cindal:

Aw, is Snookums tummy feeling icky?

Spencer:

...Yes.

Kathleen:

No, it’s the DEATH NOTE.

Cam:

Now hold on, Kathleen. That’s some mighty power you’re holding in your hand. You can’t just write... [glances over her shoulder] Hey! You can’t put Cussler on the list just because you don’t like his writing!

Kathleen:

But, I’m morally opposed to him as a person!

Natalie:

You’re just pulling words out of your ass. Give it here. [Takes paper] Keith... Urrrrrban...

Cam:

No! No! No! We only use the power of the Death Note for good and sometimes evil when required! In this case, it is required. Give me the pen. [Natalie begrudgingly hands over the pen.]

Cam:

All right. When I put Shannon’s name down, you guys make a run for him and get that cube before Edjuardo can swoop in, got it?

Everyone:

Got it.

[Cam proceeds to write down ‘Shannon Casaull.. Casull? I can’t remember. Anyways, the point is everyone basically races over to him and basically tramples him to death. Kathleen nabs the cube piece triumphantly. ‘Fanfare’ from Chrono Trigger plays.]

Kathleen:

Bad. Ass.

Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:

What? No way! It’s not possible! I.. I... well, god dammit! This is so not cool! Okay, okay, seeing as how you.. [gag] heroes have done so well I’ll make you a deal. Should you collect slash win all the cubes from Edjuardo I will allow you to keep your blasé little world while I go on to conquer the other dimensions. Sound fair?

Natalie:

That sounds much better.

Johnny Depp:

How do we know you won’t tell Edjuardo where the cubes are hidden and give him the advantage?

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:

Oh, well I have no real idea where they are. See, I had this hunch about Wonderland, and sure I knew about Ye Olde England but I- Wait, why am I explaining myself to you? Get outta here!

Cam:

We can’t go anywhere unless you give us a new world to go to.

Kelti:

BEGINNING BEGGING PROCESS.

Spencer:

Yeah, hey can I maybe be human again?

The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:

Don’t push it. [Sigh] All right. Bibbidy bobbady boo, I present a new world for you!

[The World begins to fade away. Cam begins to cry a waterfall of tears (literally) and the Theme from Howl’s Moving Castle by Joe Hisaishi begins to play. Everyone exchanges awkward glances as the scene fades to black.]

Johnny Depp’s Disembodied Voice:

This is bullshit.