#2
Wonderland
Cube Count: Heroes 1, Poolboy 0
[Scene opens with ‘Down Once More/Track Down This Murderer’ intro to Phantom of the Opera playing in the background. We see Natalie thrashing about in inky water! Oh no!]
Natalie:
Help! Help meeee!
Kathleen:
Give me your hand, Natalie! Hurry!
Natalie:
I can’t reach it! For the love of god, help me!
Kathleen:
Don’t let go, Nat!
Cam:
Guys!
Natalie:
Kathleen, there’s something I’ve always wanted to tell you...
Kathleen:
Don’t you die on me!
Cam:
GUYS!
Natalie:
I’ve always lo-
Cam:
For the love of- GUYS!
Natalie:
What Cam? What do you want? We’re TRYING to have a moment!
Cam:
You’re sitting in pool of water that’s got to be, what would you say, Spencer?
Spencer:
Three feet, tops.
Cam:
Three feet. You are not drowning.
Natalie:
Oh, well in that case. [Natalie pulls herself out of the pool and dusts off the water, not that it makes any sense.]
Kathleen:
You were saying?
Natalie:
Oh, right. I’ve always loathed those shoes. Sorry.
Kathleen:
That was going to be your final moment? Under the impression of impending death you chose to criticize my shoes?
Alex:
Well, she’s got a point, Kitty. They’re pretty ugly.
Kathleen:
They’re just sneakers! Sneakers are always ugly!
Natalie:
Yeah, but there’s a limit. Seriously.
Johnny Depp:
Could you lot focus? Please, thank you. Jesus. Now Kathleen, you might want to turn around.
Kathleen:
Why? [She turns to find a mutant smile floating in mid air behind her.] Gaa! What the hell?!
Alex:
You know, given the fact that we’re on grass that is tye-dyed to look like a checker board, I really don’t find the giant floating grin to alarm me. [A set of eyes appear above said smile. It winks at her.] Now that I find alarming.
Spencer:
Maybe it likes you.
Alex:
Maybe, but unfortunately I require a bit more than perfectly aligned teeth and the ability to wink to consider a relationship.
Kathleen:
Wait, waaait wait wait.
Johnny Depp:
What? Please tell me you’ve thought of a way out of this.
Kathleen:
No, actually I think I dropped my jelly beans.
Cam:
Plus one for a Muppets Christmas Carol reference!
Kathleen:
And, I think I’ve realized what’s going on.
Natalie:
Oh do enlighten us with your wisdom of valiant leader.
Kathleen:
Hey! There was a vote! There is no need for that type of sarcasm around here.
[‘We Can Work it Out’ by The Beatles begins]
Kathleen and Natalie:
Shut up!
[Music ends]
Kathleen:
[Clears throat] Now, just from the description of the grass and the very large, possibly horny floating smile, I would have to deduce that we’re in Wonderland.
Cam:
Oh, well Wonderland isn’t that bad, is it?
Spencer:
Unless, and I’m really just throwing this out here because I’m supposed to be the ‘smart’ one in this adventure.
Alex:
Smart as in science, not in any other area.
Spencer:
Whatever. We need to consider the possibility that this is Tim Burton’s Wonderland, and by having Johnny Depp here, we might somehow be causing some kind of interruption in the time space continnum. It’s very possible that right now because of his presence here we’re causing Howard Hughs to choke on a blueberry scone.
Natalie:
What has that got to do with anything anywhere EVER?
Spencer:
I’m just saying it’s a possible issue.
Alex:
Yeah okay, we’ll cross that... wait, has anyone seen Cindal?
Kathleen:
You know, come to think of it I haven’t. Wow, that’s sort of embarrassing. I mean, she could be drowning somewhere, suffering some horrible fate, and here we were talking about jelly beans and Howard Hughs and listening to the Beatles. I wonder where she is right now.
[Scene changes to the Caucus Race! Cindal is busy punching the Dodo]
Cindal:
This doesn’t make any sense! THIS RACE NEVER ENDS.
[Scene changes back to the rest of the heroes.]
Cam:
I’m sure she’s fine.
Kathleen:
Oh without a doubt.
Johnny Depp:
So, Wonderland you say?
Alex:
But where are the singing flowers?
Snap Dragon:
Down ‘ere!
Natalie:
Um, guys?
Cam:
Hey, look at that! The daisies are mutant!
Natalie:
GUYS!
Alex:
Not now, Nat.
Daisies:
Listen, you ‘ave a problem with our size? Come over ‘ere, love!
Kathleen:
Now see here. Alice may have not had the balls to turn you into a daisy chain but I sure as hell do!
Daisies:
Bring it on!
Kathleen:
Don’t make me come over there....
Rose:
Now, now, let’s not have a fight, why remember that poor genus humanus Alice that came by last?
Tulip:
Poor dear never even had a chance...
Cam:
Wait, I thought Alice got out of Wonderland.
Rose 2:
Well yes that’s what Lewis Caroll wanted you to think but really the poor dear had a run in the caterpillar...
Kathleen:
The one that was... erm... you know?
Snap-Dragon:
What? High as a kite? Yes that’s the one.
Spencer:
Riding a dragon of his own colour, eh?
Lily:
You weeds, you’re everywhere you know that?
Violets:
Bugger off! We don’t want you here!
Snap-Dragons:
Yes, go visit the Mad Hatter! He can always use some annoying saps for company!
Daisies:
But he does have the Door mouse and March hare, how much more sap can you get?
Johnny Depp:
Listen, clearly my young friends here are just too polite to tell you what we’re all thinking so if you would just...
[The following phrase has been edited due to graphic and colourful language]
Johnny Depp:
...That would be great, thanks.
Rose:
Well, how rude!
Natalie:
You guys, please!
Johnny Depp:
What?! What is it?! What do you want!?
Natalie:
[A little stunned by Johnny Depp’s sudden burst of anger. He always seem so placid, you know? Like he’s on crack, not that he is. Hell, I’m probably on more shit than him. Anyways...] It’s just... I have this sort of thing about Wonderland...
Narrator:
Incidently, she really does.
Alex:
What sort of thing are we talking about here?
Cam:
Yeah, is this a big thing, like you’re going to dry hump the caterpillar?
Spencer:
Ew!
Natalie:
No, no. Not that sort of thing. I mean, Wonderland sort of... scares me.
Alex:
I don’t suppose you could get over your fear in say, the next fifteen seconds, could you?
Natalie:
Gotta say, it doesn’t look promising.
Kathleen:
Natalie, do I have to make some kind of obscene threat that normal people probably wouldn’t go through with but when it’s said by me seems quite realistically possible?
Natalie:
[Her expression is something like this: o.O] No, I think I’ll be okay.
[‘Weighty Ghost’ by Wintersleep begins. Man this soundtrack is badass. The heroes bop along to the song, because for some inexplicable reason they can hear the music. Maybe they’re CYLONS (possible foreshadowing?) And of course they sing along with the chorus.]
Johnny Depp:
You Canadians produce some fine tunes.
Kathleen:
Don’t we just?
Alex:
[off tune and loudly] Woaooa have you seen my ghost?
Spencer:
Hey, hey you guys. Natalie is curling into the fetal position.
Kathleen:
[Looks, sighs] All right, here’s the plan. Alex, Cam, Spencer, you three take Natalie back to the flower bed. At least they can make sure she doesn’t walk off or do something stupid.
Cam:
You’re putting a lot of faith in a bunch of flowers stuck in the ground.
Kathleen:
Actually, what I’m really doing is doubting Natalie’s ability to get out of the fetal position. We’ll meet you at the mock turtle’s hideaway.
Alex:
Hogging Depp all to yourself, I see?
Kathleen:
I’M NOT LIVING A FANTASY THROUGH THIS.
Spencer:
No one said you were.
Kathleen:
Oh, ha [nervous laughter] sorry, that was just habit. Anyways, Depp and I will check out the tea party, at least then we can figure out whose Wonderland we’re in.
Cam:
I think it’s safe to say we’re probably in the writer’s Wonderland.
Alex:
[Looking depressed] But, I loved life...
Narrator:
I’ll make a note of it for later.
Kathleen:
Get going!
[She and Johnny Depp watch as Alex, Cam, and Spencer roll Natalie down the grassy hillside and back towards the flowerbed.
Alex:
Wait, we don’t know anything about Wonderland.
Cam:
Dammit! Kat- [he turns around but she and Johnny Depp are both already gone.] She planned that.
Spencer:
No doubt about it.
Natalie:
Can’t sleep. Flowers eat me. They feast on my fear and the moonlight, the mooooonlight!
[The scene switches back to Kathleen and Johnny Depp who are now approaching the Mad Tea Party.]
Kathleen:
Well, would you say that Hatter looks like you?
Johnny Depp:
If he does I certainly can’t understand the attraction.
Kathleen:
Oh aren’t you cute with your little humble self. He definitely not you, let’s go.
Mad Hatter:
I say! Strangers!
March Hare:
Mmquuuuiiite. Didn’t that little blonde one pass by not too long ago?
Mad Hatter:
Well her funeral party certainly did!
[They break into peels of drunken laughter.]
March Hare:
Such a shame really. Anyways, on with the festivities!
Kathleen:
What are you celebrating?
Mad Hatter:
We, you insipid little self-inserted cockroach, are celebrating... Presidents Day.
Johnny Depp:
...Really?
Mad Hatter:
No you delusional little man, today is Dormy’s un-un-birthday. We’re celebrating him being un-alive.
Kathleen:
Sounds lovely. May we join you? [She and Johnny sit down.]
March Hare:
You asked and then went along and did it anyways without waiting for an answer!
Kathleen:
Yeah, that’s mostly because I don’t care you mutant space bunny. Nor do I care, you mercury poisoned tiny man, about an un-un-birthday. What I’m really interested in is this. [She holds up the cube piece obtained from the last world.] Have you seen one like it?
March Hare:
[Quite entranced] Shiny... want.
Mad Hatter:
Marchy, snap out of it! No, we have not seen your little cube anywhere. You do look as if you’ve had an awful time of it, where did you say you came from?
Johnny Depp:
We didn’t, and...we’re not exactly sure anymore.
Dormouse:
...Honey....
Mad Hatter:
You don’t know? Why that’s positively absurd!
Kathleen:
Not really, the job description was pretty weak..
Johnny Depp:
Not your job, idiot. Where we actually came from!
Kathleen:
Then that would be EARTH then, wouldn’t it? [Scoffs] Idiot.
Dormouse:
...treacle...cocaine...hooker’s bellybutton...Zzz...
March Hare:
Well, if you don’t know where you work, that’s silly too.
Kathleen:
Oh yeah? And where do you come from?
Mad Hatter:
Why, we come from...from... Damn it all, where do we come from?
March Hare:
Don’t know. Caroll stuck us in ‘ere for the ‘ell of it!
Mad Hatter:
CLEAN. CUP.
[Everyone lumbers out of their chairs and finds new seats with very little enthusiasm.]
March Hare:
It’s no wonder we never finish this damn party, you always make us change seats the moment anyone says anything that might make us question our own existence.
Mad Hatter:
There will be no existentialism here!
Kathleen:
Anyways, as I was saying. We’ve got to find these cube piece or else the Evil Betty will do something...she’s not quite sure yet.
Johnny Depp:
Yeah, but it’s probably bound to be evil.
Kathleen:
Oh without a doubt.
Mad Hatter:
Why, that’s positively MAD.
March Hare:
She must be on her last strand of ‘HARE’.
[There is this awkward moment of silence before both Hatter and Hare burst into my insane laughter. Kathleen and Johnny exchange exasperated looks and the scene changes back to Alex, Cam, and Spencer who have just left Natalie at the flowerbed and are now wandering aimlessly to the song ‘Wood Between Worlds’ by Laura Barrett.]
Alex:
Naa... I don’t like this music very much.
Cam:
I don’t know. I think it sums up the creepiness of Wonderland pretty well. So, does anyone know which way to the mock turtle’s lair?
Spencer:
Let’s ask that friendly white rabb- wait, does he have a mohawk? You know, I never read ‘Alice in Wonderland’ but I’m pretty sure he was supposed to have a vest and a watch not...
Alex:
Ecstasy and a bitch?
Spencer:
Yeeah.
White Rabbit:
[Realizing they’re watching him] WUT? Wut’chu want?
Alex:
Um, hi, hello. Yeah, we’re looking for a evil cube piece.
White Rabbit:
Naw, I ain’t got that shit, I can hook you up with some nice acid though.
Cam:
Thanks but... I think we’ve all probably had more than enough. Come on guys.
Spencer:
We could always check out that garden maze down there. Nothing bad has ever happened in a garden maze!
[Cam and Alex ponder this for a moment before agreeing with him and strolling into the maze. Meanwhile, somewhere probably nearby we see Cindal sulking down a grassy knoll, looking quite angry.]
Cindal:
Stupid race... stupid Dodo... give ‘em a friggen reward. Do I look like I’m made out of money? Jesus- [That thought it cut off as she springs aside suddenly. She has walked into the middle of a stand off between a grey knight, and another grey knight... because we don’t see race much like Stephen T. Colbert (More foreshadowing?) Anyways, Grey knight one puts up a valiant effort against Grey knight two but is eventually bested by the more superior lame-o sword work. Grey Knight one lifts her helmet to reveal...]
Cindal:
Kelti!
Kelti:
Oh hey, Cindal! Hold on a sec... Great practice bud, I’ll see you later at the bar.
Cindal:
Kel... you do realize you’re not on earth anymore, right?
Kelti:
Really? Wow, I thought this SCA fantasy was getting a bit extreme. That explains a lot actually... Like why my helmet looks like a horses head and the grass is checkered.
Cindal:
Yeah, we’re in Wonderland.
Kelti:
Huh... Last thing I remember was finishing my proposal for a new garbage disposal unit.
Cindal:
Oh, so we work for a sanitation company!
Kelti:
What? No, no I just want a new garbage can, but if you throw in fancy lingo people tend to take you more seriously. Why do you ask?
Cindal:
Eh, can’t really figure out what we do for a living.
Kelti:
I always thought we were in advertising.
Cindal:
No, no. Swat would throw a fit. No, it’s got to be something else...
Kelti:
Okay, well, let’s start with an easier one. Why are we in Wonderland?
Cindal:
The Evil Betty wants us to retrieve the 27 pieces of the Cube of Evil so she can implement some sort of world conquering plan. [Kelti gives Cindal a ‘WTF’ look.] You said easier, you never said it had to make sense.
Kelti:
Okay, so how many cubes do we have so far?
Cindal:
Just one. We got it from Ye Olde England.
Kelti:
What?! That isn’t fair! Ye Olde England is *my* delusional fantasy! No way I couldn’t be part of it!
Cindal:
Well... you weren’t. Also, Swat got to ride on a dragon.
Kelti:
Dammit!
Cindal:
With Johnny Depp.
Kelti:
Dammit dammi- wait, what?
Cindal:
Never mind, we should probably catch up with the others.
[‘Too Too Too Fast’ by Ra Ra Riot begins.]
Kelti:
You hear the music, right? Please tell me you hear the music.
Cindal:
Yeah, you’ll get used to it...
[They stop suddenly, realizing that their path is blocked by two very, very obese young children? Men? Hard to say really. Either way, they can’t proceed any further.]
Cindal:
Hey, um... May we go passed you?
Tweedle Dum:
I don’t know, MAY you-oh... Dammit, you’re a polite one aren’t you?
Kelti:
She is. I’m not. Move it, fatso.
Tweedle Dee:
Just because of your attitude, we’re not going to move.
Tweedle Dum:
Now, let’s not be hasty. She looks like she might actually hurt us...
Tweedle Dee:
Then EAT her.
Tweedle Dum:
Um, how about no? Cannibalism is disgusting!
Tweedle Dee:
I didn’t really mean it! I just meant stand your ground or think of something else, but don’t give in just because she looks violent!
Tweedle Dum:
You’re violent towards me all the time!
Tweedle Dee:
Older brothers prerogative.
Tweedle Dum:
You’re not the older one, I am!
Tweedle Dee:
Yeah, but two minutes!
Tweedle Dum:
That still makes me older! And therefore I should be the one beating YOU up!
Tweedle Dee:
Well la-dee-da for you! Go on then, assert yourself as the alpha male!
Tweedle Dum:
Don’t push me! I’ll get around to it eventually!
Kelti:
[To Cindal] Maybe we should find a different path.
Cindal:
Yeah, lets.
[Scene changes back to the tea party. ‘Tango Till They’re Sore’ by Tom Waits really sets the mood of the whole thing. The Mad Hatter, in a drunken daze, is trying to push the dormouse into the teapot.]
Mad Hatter:
I say Dormy! Why won’t you just go in willingly?
Dormouse:
Because I want... [yawn] treacle... amphetamines...
Kathleen:
Don’t you think it’s a bit rude trying to put him into the teapot if he doesn’t want to?
Mad Hatter:
Would you prefer the jam jar like before?
[Johnny Depp spits out a piece of bread he’s been eating that’s covered in jam.]
Kathleen:
Ew, dude. That is so wrong.
March Hare:
You know what else is wrong? [Kathleen and Johnny both shake their heads and prepare for a bad pun.]Genocide.
Johnny Depp:
Yeah? How ‘bout that?
March Hare:
Virus genocide! Everywhere people are trying to eradicate ebola this and stop listeria that! It’s terrible!
Kathleen:
Do you ever listen to yourself speak?
Johnny Depp:
Come on, we aren’t going to get anything else out of them.
Mad Hatter:
Come back soon!
Kathleen:
You know? If we ever need to practice autopsies we will.
[They leave the mad, mad tea party and continue on until they come to a pleasant looking court yard where a bunch of cards (as in ‘deck of...’) are busy painting the rose trees.)
Johnny Depp:
Hey, what are you doing?
Ace of Spades:
Wha? Jesus you scared me. I thought you were the Queen.
[Johnny Depp and Kathleen exchange glances, she snickers and he glares.]
Five of Hearts:
Quick, take a brush! You’ve got to help us paint the trees!
Kathleen:
What colour is that? I’ve never seen anything like it before!
Jack of Clubs:
Well, the Queen didn’t want red, orange, yellow, green, blue, or violet! So we had to make up our own!
Johnny Depp:
You can’t do that, can you?
Ace of Spades:
No! You can’t! That’s the problem, now help us!
Nine of Diamonds:
Quick! Throw on some glitter! It worked for Stephanie Meyer!
Kathleen:
You guys are so screwed. [She takes a paint brush and begins to decorate one of the rose bushes.] You know, some pipe cleaners would really add some needed zazz.
Jack of Clubs:
Brilliant! Someone get pipe cleaners!
Johnny Depp:
I don’t get it, why all the panic?
Ace of Spades:
You’ve never met the woman, obviously. She’ll have our heads if we don’t colour the roses exactly the way she wants!
Johnny Depp:
Heads?
Kathleen:
The Queen has this hobby of lobbing off the heads of anyone who disagrees with her.
Johnny Depp:
That’s a bit rude, don’t you think?
Kathleen:
Well, yeah. I mean who the hell stepped on her rose coloured glasses anyways?
Nine of Diamonds:
Stop with the bad puns and help us!
Five of Hearts:
Too late! Here she comes!
[‘Frog’s Theme’ from Chrono Trigger plays, all the cards get into a line and bow/lay flat on the crowd. Apparently the lack of a spine makes it difficult to actually bow. The Red Queen comes strolling along, a flamingo in hand, looking angry as usual. Behind her is a giant parade of cards and gentlemen and a whole courtly procession. Yeah, it’s lame, whatever.]
Red Queen:
What the– What the *beep* have you done to my flowers?!
Kathleen:
[Whispering to Johnny Depp] Huh, Wonderland comes self censored.
Johnny Depp:
So I can’t swear at all?
Kathleen:
Give it a try.
Johnny Depp:
Elijah Wood is a *beep* prig. Hey! [Getting angry] Nobody censors me! *Beep*in’ Wonderland.
Ace of Spades:
Please don’t kill us your highness!
Nine of Diamonds:
You said you didn’t want to see any ROY-G-BIV! What else were we supposed to do?
Red Queen:
NOT this! Although I do like the glitter. I’m certainly willing to PAY for the glitter... But that doesn’t mean it’s good or should be there! Off with their heads!
Kathleen:
Now just hold on! You can’t go around just chopping off heads left and right like a Street Fighter game! I mean, sure, that would be badass, but morally it is a questionable thing to do!
Red Queen:
How dare you questions my actions! I am Francesca Athena Terri Ashlee Susanne the Second!
Johnny Depp:
Wait... F-A-T... oh.
Red Queen:
You can’t tell me what to do! You aren’t my real mother!
Kathleen:
What has that got to do with any-
Red Queen:
Off with your head!
Johnny Depp:
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Now, I may be stuck in this bizarre-cracked-out-freaky-deaky-little-fantasy because of some kids creepy obsession over me, but I draw the line at cutting off her head.
Kathleen:
Yeah! Wait, what?
Red Queen:
Holy crap! You’re Johnny Depp! I loved you in ‘Donnie Brasco’!
Johnny Depp:
Oh for the love of [facepalm] God kill me now.
God:
That can be arranged.
Johnny Depp:
I wasn’t serious!
Red Queen:
Never mind, off with BOTH their heads!
Kathleen:
Wait, mine and Johnny?
Red Queen:
Yes! I can’t have you scalliwags and raggamuffins interrupting my social this afternoon! All the pools boys from the inter-dimensional spaces will be there.
Johnny Depp:
How is it everyone seems to know about inter-dimensional spaces except us?
Kathleen:
Did you say ‘pool boys’? My god, Johnny! This is our chance!
Johnny Depp:
Sure, I guess. Except we’re currently being hauled away by guards.
Kathleen:
Oh...
[The scene changes to the flowerbed, which has now been totally decimated. For the first time we hear a Stage Play Original Song, ‘Wonderland reVAMP’ but if that isn’t available to you you’ll hear‘Murphy’s Ghost’ by Kenji Kawai from the Avalon soundtrack . As the camera or whatever pans over the dead flowers, the music fades away and we see Natalie, crouched amongst the ruins of a once lovely batch of lady slippers.]
Natalie:
Fweehehe! Pretty flowers... niiiiiice flowers.... Die flowers, die!
Lady Slippers:
No! We take back what we said about your mother and the combat boots!
Natalie:
[Singing]
Popping heads off flowers
Takes up all my hours!
Nothing gives more pleasure
Than popping heads off flowers!
Tiger Lily:
Bloody hell! She’s gone mad!
Natalie:
Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can’t catch me, I’m the anatomically correct gingerbread person!
[Scene changes to Alex, Cam, and Spencer who have been walking in circles and ended back at Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee.]
Tweedle Dum:
...And that’s why I’m always right!
Tweedle Dee:
That’s not an excuse!
Cam:
[To Alex] Told you so.
Tweedle Dum:
We’ll let these weirdos decide. Who do you think won the argument?
Alex:
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. I had some BORING stuck in my ear.
Spencer:
How long were they talking?
Cam:
I don’t know. My watch only tells the month and the year... Wait, also the weather in Athabasca.
Alex:
And what’s the weather in Athabasca?
Cam:
Cold. Like always.
Spencer:
That’s stupid. Your watch is stupid.
Cam:
Your face is stupid.
Alex:
Forget it, Cam. In Wonderland conversations like this only lead to frightening confessions that leave everyone wishing they hadn’t learned Uncle Ted likes the feel of my Venus Breeze razor.
Spencer:
What?
Alex:
What? Nothing. Anyways, just accept it Spencer. This is Wonderland, and Cam has butter in his watch.
Cam:
It’s Beceal actually.
Spencer:
[To Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee] Listen, if we say you’re both right, will you let us pass?
Tweedle Dee:
Sure.
Spencer:
Okay, you’re both right.
Tweedle Dum:
How kind, off you go!
[Alex, Cam, and Spencer all facepalm and then proceed to race passed the brothers as fast as they can. Meanwhile Kelti and Cindal have just stumbled upon the Duchesses residence. The Frog-Footman is standing outside, staring at the door.]
Cindal:
Hey, um, what are you doing?
Frog-Footman:
[Sighs] Pondering my existence and its meaning when related to that of this door. You see this door represents-
Kelti:
No existentialism! I will beat you!
Frog-Footman:
But, this door represents a challenge. A dispute that must be solved before anyone can-
Kelti:
Aah lalala! Just let us in.
Frog-Footman:
Fine. Whatever. Go in. See if I care. Where do you want to go?
Cindal:
In. As in, the house.
Frog-Footman:
Fine. [He opens the door and lets the girls into the house. After closing it he scrunches up his face...] I want to go to... Italy! [He opens the door and walks off into a sunset in Italy. This of course will be brought up once again later in the play. Probably with another grand existentialism theory to boot. Back inside the house, Cindal and Kelti have just entered the kitchen.]
Cook:
PEPPER!
Cindal:
[Coughing] It’s like a Tommy Chung movie in here!
Duchess:
Welcome, my dears! What can I do for you?
Cook:
NUTMEG!
Kelti:
We’re, uh, looking for the piece of the Cube of Evil. You haven’t see it around here, have you?
Duchess:
I’m afraid anything that isn’t nailed down is thrown in cooks pot. [Cindal gives her a look] Cooking pot, my dear. Although she does roll a nice doo-
Cook:
CLOVES!
Cindal:
I don’t mean to alarm you, Duchess. But your child is a pig.
Duchess:
And what precisely are you insinuating by that?!
Cindal:
Nothing! I just-
Duchess:
That because he shares half my genes, he’s *fat*, is that it?
Cook:
CARDAMUM!
Cindal:
No, I mean he’s really turned into a pig. Look.
[The duchess does, and realizes that yes, in fact, her child is a pig.]
Duchess:
Well, I’ll be damned. Cook, we lost another one. Toss it into the pot.
Cook:
MINT! THYME! PIG!
Kelti:
Isn’t that canabalism?
Duchess:
Well would you like to raise a pig as a human?
Cook:
SAGE! CARAWAY!
Duchess:
Can you imagine the sort of alienation he would feel in high school? Is he pig? Is he man? My god, just think of the identity crisis! It’s a Doctor Phil episode just waiting to happen!
Cook:
FRENCH TARRAGON!
Duchess:
It’s much more humane just to put him in the pot... Cooking pot that is, and be done with it.
Cook:
LAVENDER!
Kelti:
Oh, well... Okay then. About that cube...
Duchess:
Oh well, I haven’t seen one around. You might want to try the Red Queen’s palace. She’s having a pool party this afternoon. Apparently there’s this saucy Mexican...
Cindal:
Edjuardo! Thank you very much, Duchess! Come on Kel!
[They race from the kitchen and out of the house.]
Duchess:
How’s the soup tasting, Cooky?
Cook:
[Sips it.] Not bad, needs some DILL and CHIVES!
Duchess:
You really should change the battery in your hearing aid.
[Scene shifts to Cam, Alex, and Spencer who are now sitting on the mushrooms by the one and only Caterpillar, looking pretty stoned. ‘Mea Culpa Part II Fading Shade Remix’ by Enigma plays because it is one of the more ‘stoner’ sounding songs I’ve got.]
Caterpillar:
And you know what’s cool, man?
Spencer:
No, what?
Caterpillar:
Hands. I’ve got, like, nineteen of them.
Alex:
[Stoned laugh] No way, dude. It’s got to be an even number and nineteen is, like.... not.
Cam:
Not what?
Alex:
And Even number.
Spencer:
Why do we need an even number?
Alex:
Why...not?
Spencer:
Dude.
Cam:
Hey, hey... Mr. Caterpillar. Tell me... Tell me the secret... [hiccup]... the secret of life, dude.
Caterpillar:
My...my children you have all be so good to me. [He slumps over the mushroom, the three heroes catch him and push him back upright.] I n-now give you...the secret of... LIFE. [The Caterpillar sort of implodes on himself and suddenly there is an explosion of colour, which of course greatly amazes our three stoned heroes. There, in the light, shining like a stained glass butterfly... is a stained glass butterfly.]
All Three:
Duuuuuude.
Butterfly:
Children, you seek what cannot be sought...
Spencer:
Oh! Oh! I love riddles! Let me guess!.. Um... True democracy!
Butterfly:
No, shut up.
You seek what cannot be sought, you crave for what will not fill...
Alex:
A White Castle Burger!
Butterfly:
Wow, you guys really are stoned, huh? Let me finish. Seek what cannot be sought, crave what will not fill... Oh right, okay here we go...
You journey where men are not meant to go, and you fight what was never meant to be defeated. Basically, bascially what I’m getting at here is you are royally screwed so you should probably just save yourselves some time and give up now.
[Suddenly Cindal and Kelti burst from the bushes!]
Cindal:
You’re a plant from the Evil Betty! Get away from our incredibly stoned friends or we’ll RAID your butt!
Butterfly:
Mua ha ha! You can never stop us! Never!
[Meanwhile Kelti has snatched up part of the mushroom, taken a bite, and has grown to the size of a giant. With a single motion she slams the butterfly between her hands.]
Cindal:
You know those are endangered, right?
Kelti:
Meh. [She eats the other side of the mushroom and returns to her normal height.] So guys, I know that you’re uber stoned right now but we should probably get going because the Red Queen is holding some sort of party and Edjuardo is supposed to be there.
Alex:
Dude, dude what are you doing here?
Cam:
Why’d you have to do that, man? He was just about to tell us the meaning of life.
Cindal:
Forty-two now come on!
[The scene changes to the royal party where the Red Queen and the Evil Betty lounge beside a pool with Edjuardo, being served frozen drinks on the backs of random cards. It’s pretty nice looking, especially with Kathleen and Johnny strewn up in a cage over the swimming pool which also happens to be full of sharks.]
The Evil Betty:
Say, Edjuardo, how goes your hunt for the next Rubix Cube piece?
Edjuardo:
Meh, I’d say I’m as close to finding it as they are.
The Evil Betty:
Really? Because my latest sources tell me they are very close indeed, and yet here you are... serving me peeled grapes, which is nice, but it doesn’t get me my cube piece now does it?
Edjuardo:
No, I suppose it doesn’t.
The Evil Betty:
So, maybe you should get on that.
Edjuardo:
But... the leader and her fantasy are tied up. Any good storyline never progresses while the leader is in a bad position!
The Evil Betty:
And you’re under the impression this is a good storyline?
Edjuardo:
I see your point.
The Evil Betty:
Great! So hows about yous get on a horse and go find me a cube piece?
Edjuardo:
But-
The Evil Betty:
Do I have to spell it out Espanola? Cube piece! Now!
Red Queen:
Spanish? I thought he was Mexican.
The Evil Betty:
Pretty interchangeable at this point but I see what you mean. Edjuardo, before you head off, what nationality are you?
Edjuardo:
[Suddenly dropping the accent] Spanish.
The Evil Betty:
Really? Because that is distinctly a Bronx accent.
Edjuardo:
Well-
Cindal:
Stop right there, Evil Betty!
The Evil Betty:
[She turns to find Cindal and Kelti supporting the very stoned Alex, Cam, and Spencer.] What the hell are you five doing here? This is strictly invite only!
Alex:
We’re... here to stop your evil plam... Right?
Cam:
Plan, dude... With an N.
Alex:
Oh. [Hysterical laughter]
Red Queen:
You’re just in time actually, we were about to behead your friends there. [She gestures up to the cage]
Kelti:
Holy crap! You’re Johnny Depp! I loved you in Pirates of the Caribbean!
Johnny Depp:
[To Kathleen] You know, I had always hoped that if I was going to be beheaded by an insane queen, the last words I ever heard would not be some terrible catch phrase.
Kathleen:
You can win em’ all.
Cindal:
You can’t just behead someone because you feel like it! I demand a court case!
Red Queen:
Well, we do have some time before the Chippendale arrive. Why not, we’ll humour you. [She snaps her fingers, suddenly the entire pool area changes into a giant court room. There is a jury box, filled to the brim with everyone’s favourite Alice in Wonderland characters. The Red Queen has seated herself as the Judge, the Evil Betty sits with Edjuardo on the prosecution side. The defence side is oddly empty.]
The Evil Betty:
Well one of you better get up there to defend them.
Alex:
Oh! Oh! I will!
Kelti:
You’re stoned!
Alex:
I work best under pressure!
Cindal:
But-
Alex:
I will defend them, your honour!
White Rabbit:
The defendants, Kathleen Saw-sawa-...Sawinis... God dammit! Swat. And Johnny Depp, stand accused of being uppity towards the monarchy of Wonderland and rude language. How do you plea?
Kathleen:
Well, I mean, we did it so I guess we’re guilty but-
White Rabbit:
Guilty! All right, let’s get this party started. Prosecution, call your first witness!
Edjuardo:
I’d like to call Kathleen and Johnny to the stand.
Johnny Depp:
We’re already on it, you idiot!
Edjuardo:
[Clears throat] Now tell the court, how did you come to be in Wonderland?
Kathleen:
I think it was some sort of combination of acid and magic.
Johnny Depp:
I don’t even want to be here. This is what I get for trying to be a good guy.
Edjuardo:
And tell me, Kathleen. What are you doing next Friday?
Alex:
Objection! Prosecution is CLEARLY coming on to my client!
Edjuardo:
I take it back! I take it back!
Alex:
Damn right you do.
Red Queen:
[Sighing] Defence, please approach the bench. Now tell me just what you’re looking for here in Wonderland.
Alex:
A piece of a Rubix Cube, ma’am. Much like the one your husband is playing with.
Red King:
Wee heheheheheh
Red Queen:
Albert, give the nice defence the cube...
Red King:
No!
Red Queen:
Give her the cube and go to your corner!
Alex:
[Accepting the cube] Thank you your honour and may I say how lovely the roses look!
Red Queen:
Why thank you, I came up with the colour myself.
The Evil Betty:
[Jumping from her seat] No! Edjuardo you fool! You’ve failed again!
[Suddenly the generic bushes begin to rustle around the court. Natalie bursts free and interrupts the court session.]
Cam:
Natalie, what happened to you?
Alex:
Why is she wearing a grass skirt and palm tree top?
Kathleen:
More importantly, where did she get the war paint?
Natalie:
[Chanting]
Popping heads of flowers
Takes up all my hours!
Nothing gives more pleasure
Than popping heads off flowers.
Everyone:
Ah...
Kelti:
Hey, Evil Betty, want to give us another world before Nat here becomes Nut?
The Evil Betty:
I think it might be a bit late for that but here you go! [She waves her hand and does some voodoo. Suddenly Wonderland melts away, our heroes glance around and suddenly find themselves outlined in black.]
[End World 2]
Wonderland
Cube Count: Heroes 1, Poolboy 0
[Scene opens with ‘Down Once More/Track Down This Murderer’ intro to Phantom of the Opera playing in the background. We see Natalie thrashing about in inky water! Oh no!]
Natalie:
Help! Help meeee!
Kathleen:
Give me your hand, Natalie! Hurry!
Natalie:
I can’t reach it! For the love of god, help me!
Kathleen:
Don’t let go, Nat!
Cam:
Guys!
Natalie:
Kathleen, there’s something I’ve always wanted to tell you...
Kathleen:
Don’t you die on me!
Cam:
GUYS!
Natalie:
I’ve always lo-
Cam:
For the love of- GUYS!
Natalie:
What Cam? What do you want? We’re TRYING to have a moment!
Cam:
You’re sitting in pool of water that’s got to be, what would you say, Spencer?
Spencer:
Three feet, tops.
Cam:
Three feet. You are not drowning.
Natalie:
Oh, well in that case. [Natalie pulls herself out of the pool and dusts off the water, not that it makes any sense.]
Kathleen:
You were saying?
Natalie:
Oh, right. I’ve always loathed those shoes. Sorry.
Kathleen:
That was going to be your final moment? Under the impression of impending death you chose to criticize my shoes?
Alex:
Well, she’s got a point, Kitty. They’re pretty ugly.
Kathleen:
They’re just sneakers! Sneakers are always ugly!
Natalie:
Yeah, but there’s a limit. Seriously.
Johnny Depp:
Could you lot focus? Please, thank you. Jesus. Now Kathleen, you might want to turn around.
Kathleen:
Why? [She turns to find a mutant smile floating in mid air behind her.] Gaa! What the hell?!
Alex:
You know, given the fact that we’re on grass that is tye-dyed to look like a checker board, I really don’t find the giant floating grin to alarm me. [A set of eyes appear above said smile. It winks at her.] Now that I find alarming.
Spencer:
Maybe it likes you.
Alex:
Maybe, but unfortunately I require a bit more than perfectly aligned teeth and the ability to wink to consider a relationship.
Kathleen:
Wait, waaait wait wait.
Johnny Depp:
What? Please tell me you’ve thought of a way out of this.
Kathleen:
No, actually I think I dropped my jelly beans.
Cam:
Plus one for a Muppets Christmas Carol reference!
Kathleen:
And, I think I’ve realized what’s going on.
Natalie:
Oh do enlighten us with your wisdom of valiant leader.
Kathleen:
Hey! There was a vote! There is no need for that type of sarcasm around here.
[‘We Can Work it Out’ by The Beatles begins]
Kathleen and Natalie:
Shut up!
[Music ends]
Kathleen:
[Clears throat] Now, just from the description of the grass and the very large, possibly horny floating smile, I would have to deduce that we’re in Wonderland.
Cam:
Oh, well Wonderland isn’t that bad, is it?
Spencer:
Unless, and I’m really just throwing this out here because I’m supposed to be the ‘smart’ one in this adventure.
Alex:
Smart as in science, not in any other area.
Spencer:
Whatever. We need to consider the possibility that this is Tim Burton’s Wonderland, and by having Johnny Depp here, we might somehow be causing some kind of interruption in the time space continnum. It’s very possible that right now because of his presence here we’re causing Howard Hughs to choke on a blueberry scone.
Natalie:
What has that got to do with anything anywhere EVER?
Spencer:
I’m just saying it’s a possible issue.
Alex:
Yeah okay, we’ll cross that... wait, has anyone seen Cindal?
Kathleen:
You know, come to think of it I haven’t. Wow, that’s sort of embarrassing. I mean, she could be drowning somewhere, suffering some horrible fate, and here we were talking about jelly beans and Howard Hughs and listening to the Beatles. I wonder where she is right now.
[Scene changes to the Caucus Race! Cindal is busy punching the Dodo]
Cindal:
This doesn’t make any sense! THIS RACE NEVER ENDS.
[Scene changes back to the rest of the heroes.]
Cam:
I’m sure she’s fine.
Kathleen:
Oh without a doubt.
Johnny Depp:
So, Wonderland you say?
Alex:
But where are the singing flowers?
Snap Dragon:
Down ‘ere!
Natalie:
Um, guys?
Cam:
Hey, look at that! The daisies are mutant!
Natalie:
GUYS!
Alex:
Not now, Nat.
Daisies:
Listen, you ‘ave a problem with our size? Come over ‘ere, love!
Kathleen:
Now see here. Alice may have not had the balls to turn you into a daisy chain but I sure as hell do!
Daisies:
Bring it on!
Kathleen:
Don’t make me come over there....
Rose:
Now, now, let’s not have a fight, why remember that poor genus humanus Alice that came by last?
Tulip:
Poor dear never even had a chance...
Cam:
Wait, I thought Alice got out of Wonderland.
Rose 2:
Well yes that’s what Lewis Caroll wanted you to think but really the poor dear had a run in the caterpillar...
Kathleen:
The one that was... erm... you know?
Snap-Dragon:
What? High as a kite? Yes that’s the one.
Spencer:
Riding a dragon of his own colour, eh?
Lily:
You weeds, you’re everywhere you know that?
Violets:
Bugger off! We don’t want you here!
Snap-Dragons:
Yes, go visit the Mad Hatter! He can always use some annoying saps for company!
Daisies:
But he does have the Door mouse and March hare, how much more sap can you get?
Johnny Depp:
Listen, clearly my young friends here are just too polite to tell you what we’re all thinking so if you would just...
[The following phrase has been edited due to graphic and colourful language]
Johnny Depp:
...That would be great, thanks.
Rose:
Well, how rude!
Natalie:
You guys, please!
Johnny Depp:
What?! What is it?! What do you want!?
Natalie:
[A little stunned by Johnny Depp’s sudden burst of anger. He always seem so placid, you know? Like he’s on crack, not that he is. Hell, I’m probably on more shit than him. Anyways...] It’s just... I have this sort of thing about Wonderland...
Narrator:
Incidently, she really does.
Alex:
What sort of thing are we talking about here?
Cam:
Yeah, is this a big thing, like you’re going to dry hump the caterpillar?
Spencer:
Ew!
Natalie:
No, no. Not that sort of thing. I mean, Wonderland sort of... scares me.
Alex:
I don’t suppose you could get over your fear in say, the next fifteen seconds, could you?
Natalie:
Gotta say, it doesn’t look promising.
Kathleen:
Natalie, do I have to make some kind of obscene threat that normal people probably wouldn’t go through with but when it’s said by me seems quite realistically possible?
Natalie:
[Her expression is something like this: o.O] No, I think I’ll be okay.
[‘Weighty Ghost’ by Wintersleep begins. Man this soundtrack is badass. The heroes bop along to the song, because for some inexplicable reason they can hear the music. Maybe they’re CYLONS (possible foreshadowing?) And of course they sing along with the chorus.]
Johnny Depp:
You Canadians produce some fine tunes.
Kathleen:
Don’t we just?
Alex:
[off tune and loudly] Woaooa have you seen my ghost?
Spencer:
Hey, hey you guys. Natalie is curling into the fetal position.
Kathleen:
[Looks, sighs] All right, here’s the plan. Alex, Cam, Spencer, you three take Natalie back to the flower bed. At least they can make sure she doesn’t walk off or do something stupid.
Cam:
You’re putting a lot of faith in a bunch of flowers stuck in the ground.
Kathleen:
Actually, what I’m really doing is doubting Natalie’s ability to get out of the fetal position. We’ll meet you at the mock turtle’s hideaway.
Alex:
Hogging Depp all to yourself, I see?
Kathleen:
I’M NOT LIVING A FANTASY THROUGH THIS.
Spencer:
No one said you were.
Kathleen:
Oh, ha [nervous laughter] sorry, that was just habit. Anyways, Depp and I will check out the tea party, at least then we can figure out whose Wonderland we’re in.
Cam:
I think it’s safe to say we’re probably in the writer’s Wonderland.
Alex:
[Looking depressed] But, I loved life...
Narrator:
I’ll make a note of it for later.
Kathleen:
Get going!
[She and Johnny Depp watch as Alex, Cam, and Spencer roll Natalie down the grassy hillside and back towards the flowerbed.
Alex:
Wait, we don’t know anything about Wonderland.
Cam:
Dammit! Kat- [he turns around but she and Johnny Depp are both already gone.] She planned that.
Spencer:
No doubt about it.
Natalie:
Can’t sleep. Flowers eat me. They feast on my fear and the moonlight, the mooooonlight!
[The scene switches back to Kathleen and Johnny Depp who are now approaching the Mad Tea Party.]
Kathleen:
Well, would you say that Hatter looks like you?
Johnny Depp:
If he does I certainly can’t understand the attraction.
Kathleen:
Oh aren’t you cute with your little humble self. He definitely not you, let’s go.
Mad Hatter:
I say! Strangers!
March Hare:
Mmquuuuiiite. Didn’t that little blonde one pass by not too long ago?
Mad Hatter:
Well her funeral party certainly did!
[They break into peels of drunken laughter.]
March Hare:
Such a shame really. Anyways, on with the festivities!
Kathleen:
What are you celebrating?
Mad Hatter:
We, you insipid little self-inserted cockroach, are celebrating... Presidents Day.
Johnny Depp:
...Really?
Mad Hatter:
No you delusional little man, today is Dormy’s un-un-birthday. We’re celebrating him being un-alive.
Kathleen:
Sounds lovely. May we join you? [She and Johnny sit down.]
March Hare:
You asked and then went along and did it anyways without waiting for an answer!
Kathleen:
Yeah, that’s mostly because I don’t care you mutant space bunny. Nor do I care, you mercury poisoned tiny man, about an un-un-birthday. What I’m really interested in is this. [She holds up the cube piece obtained from the last world.] Have you seen one like it?
March Hare:
[Quite entranced] Shiny... want.
Mad Hatter:
Marchy, snap out of it! No, we have not seen your little cube anywhere. You do look as if you’ve had an awful time of it, where did you say you came from?
Johnny Depp:
We didn’t, and...we’re not exactly sure anymore.
Dormouse:
...Honey....
Mad Hatter:
You don’t know? Why that’s positively absurd!
Kathleen:
Not really, the job description was pretty weak..
Johnny Depp:
Not your job, idiot. Where we actually came from!
Kathleen:
Then that would be EARTH then, wouldn’t it? [Scoffs] Idiot.
Dormouse:
...treacle...cocaine...hooker’s bellybutton...Zzz...
March Hare:
Well, if you don’t know where you work, that’s silly too.
Kathleen:
Oh yeah? And where do you come from?
Mad Hatter:
Why, we come from...from... Damn it all, where do we come from?
March Hare:
Don’t know. Caroll stuck us in ‘ere for the ‘ell of it!
Mad Hatter:
CLEAN. CUP.
[Everyone lumbers out of their chairs and finds new seats with very little enthusiasm.]
March Hare:
It’s no wonder we never finish this damn party, you always make us change seats the moment anyone says anything that might make us question our own existence.
Mad Hatter:
There will be no existentialism here!
Kathleen:
Anyways, as I was saying. We’ve got to find these cube piece or else the Evil Betty will do something...she’s not quite sure yet.
Johnny Depp:
Yeah, but it’s probably bound to be evil.
Kathleen:
Oh without a doubt.
Mad Hatter:
Why, that’s positively MAD.
March Hare:
She must be on her last strand of ‘HARE’.
[There is this awkward moment of silence before both Hatter and Hare burst into my insane laughter. Kathleen and Johnny exchange exasperated looks and the scene changes back to Alex, Cam, and Spencer who have just left Natalie at the flowerbed and are now wandering aimlessly to the song ‘Wood Between Worlds’ by Laura Barrett.]
Alex:
Naa... I don’t like this music very much.
Cam:
I don’t know. I think it sums up the creepiness of Wonderland pretty well. So, does anyone know which way to the mock turtle’s lair?
Spencer:
Let’s ask that friendly white rabb- wait, does he have a mohawk? You know, I never read ‘Alice in Wonderland’ but I’m pretty sure he was supposed to have a vest and a watch not...
Alex:
Ecstasy and a bitch?
Spencer:
Yeeah.
White Rabbit:
[Realizing they’re watching him] WUT? Wut’chu want?
Alex:
Um, hi, hello. Yeah, we’re looking for a evil cube piece.
White Rabbit:
Naw, I ain’t got that shit, I can hook you up with some nice acid though.
Cam:
Thanks but... I think we’ve all probably had more than enough. Come on guys.
Spencer:
We could always check out that garden maze down there. Nothing bad has ever happened in a garden maze!
[Cam and Alex ponder this for a moment before agreeing with him and strolling into the maze. Meanwhile, somewhere probably nearby we see Cindal sulking down a grassy knoll, looking quite angry.]
Cindal:
Stupid race... stupid Dodo... give ‘em a friggen reward. Do I look like I’m made out of money? Jesus- [That thought it cut off as she springs aside suddenly. She has walked into the middle of a stand off between a grey knight, and another grey knight... because we don’t see race much like Stephen T. Colbert (More foreshadowing?) Anyways, Grey knight one puts up a valiant effort against Grey knight two but is eventually bested by the more superior lame-o sword work. Grey Knight one lifts her helmet to reveal...]
Cindal:
Kelti!
Kelti:
Oh hey, Cindal! Hold on a sec... Great practice bud, I’ll see you later at the bar.
Cindal:
Kel... you do realize you’re not on earth anymore, right?
Kelti:
Really? Wow, I thought this SCA fantasy was getting a bit extreme. That explains a lot actually... Like why my helmet looks like a horses head and the grass is checkered.
Cindal:
Yeah, we’re in Wonderland.
Kelti:
Huh... Last thing I remember was finishing my proposal for a new garbage disposal unit.
Cindal:
Oh, so we work for a sanitation company!
Kelti:
What? No, no I just want a new garbage can, but if you throw in fancy lingo people tend to take you more seriously. Why do you ask?
Cindal:
Eh, can’t really figure out what we do for a living.
Kelti:
I always thought we were in advertising.
Cindal:
No, no. Swat would throw a fit. No, it’s got to be something else...
Kelti:
Okay, well, let’s start with an easier one. Why are we in Wonderland?
Cindal:
The Evil Betty wants us to retrieve the 27 pieces of the Cube of Evil so she can implement some sort of world conquering plan. [Kelti gives Cindal a ‘WTF’ look.] You said easier, you never said it had to make sense.
Kelti:
Okay, so how many cubes do we have so far?
Cindal:
Just one. We got it from Ye Olde England.
Kelti:
What?! That isn’t fair! Ye Olde England is *my* delusional fantasy! No way I couldn’t be part of it!
Cindal:
Well... you weren’t. Also, Swat got to ride on a dragon.
Kelti:
Dammit!
Cindal:
With Johnny Depp.
Kelti:
Dammit dammi- wait, what?
Cindal:
Never mind, we should probably catch up with the others.
[‘Too Too Too Fast’ by Ra Ra Riot begins.]
Kelti:
You hear the music, right? Please tell me you hear the music.
Cindal:
Yeah, you’ll get used to it...
[They stop suddenly, realizing that their path is blocked by two very, very obese young children? Men? Hard to say really. Either way, they can’t proceed any further.]
Cindal:
Hey, um... May we go passed you?
Tweedle Dum:
I don’t know, MAY you-oh... Dammit, you’re a polite one aren’t you?
Kelti:
She is. I’m not. Move it, fatso.
Tweedle Dee:
Just because of your attitude, we’re not going to move.
Tweedle Dum:
Now, let’s not be hasty. She looks like she might actually hurt us...
Tweedle Dee:
Then EAT her.
Tweedle Dum:
Um, how about no? Cannibalism is disgusting!
Tweedle Dee:
I didn’t really mean it! I just meant stand your ground or think of something else, but don’t give in just because she looks violent!
Tweedle Dum:
You’re violent towards me all the time!
Tweedle Dee:
Older brothers prerogative.
Tweedle Dum:
You’re not the older one, I am!
Tweedle Dee:
Yeah, but two minutes!
Tweedle Dum:
That still makes me older! And therefore I should be the one beating YOU up!
Tweedle Dee:
Well la-dee-da for you! Go on then, assert yourself as the alpha male!
Tweedle Dum:
Don’t push me! I’ll get around to it eventually!
Kelti:
[To Cindal] Maybe we should find a different path.
Cindal:
Yeah, lets.
[Scene changes back to the tea party. ‘Tango Till They’re Sore’ by Tom Waits really sets the mood of the whole thing. The Mad Hatter, in a drunken daze, is trying to push the dormouse into the teapot.]
Mad Hatter:
I say Dormy! Why won’t you just go in willingly?
Dormouse:
Because I want... [yawn] treacle... amphetamines...
Kathleen:
Don’t you think it’s a bit rude trying to put him into the teapot if he doesn’t want to?
Mad Hatter:
Would you prefer the jam jar like before?
[Johnny Depp spits out a piece of bread he’s been eating that’s covered in jam.]
Kathleen:
Ew, dude. That is so wrong.
March Hare:
You know what else is wrong? [Kathleen and Johnny both shake their heads and prepare for a bad pun.]Genocide.
Johnny Depp:
Yeah? How ‘bout that?
March Hare:
Virus genocide! Everywhere people are trying to eradicate ebola this and stop listeria that! It’s terrible!
Kathleen:
Do you ever listen to yourself speak?
Johnny Depp:
Come on, we aren’t going to get anything else out of them.
Mad Hatter:
Come back soon!
Kathleen:
You know? If we ever need to practice autopsies we will.
[They leave the mad, mad tea party and continue on until they come to a pleasant looking court yard where a bunch of cards (as in ‘deck of...’) are busy painting the rose trees.)
Johnny Depp:
Hey, what are you doing?
Ace of Spades:
Wha? Jesus you scared me. I thought you were the Queen.
[Johnny Depp and Kathleen exchange glances, she snickers and he glares.]
Five of Hearts:
Quick, take a brush! You’ve got to help us paint the trees!
Kathleen:
What colour is that? I’ve never seen anything like it before!
Jack of Clubs:
Well, the Queen didn’t want red, orange, yellow, green, blue, or violet! So we had to make up our own!
Johnny Depp:
You can’t do that, can you?
Ace of Spades:
No! You can’t! That’s the problem, now help us!
Nine of Diamonds:
Quick! Throw on some glitter! It worked for Stephanie Meyer!
Kathleen:
You guys are so screwed. [She takes a paint brush and begins to decorate one of the rose bushes.] You know, some pipe cleaners would really add some needed zazz.
Jack of Clubs:
Brilliant! Someone get pipe cleaners!
Johnny Depp:
I don’t get it, why all the panic?
Ace of Spades:
You’ve never met the woman, obviously. She’ll have our heads if we don’t colour the roses exactly the way she wants!
Johnny Depp:
Heads?
Kathleen:
The Queen has this hobby of lobbing off the heads of anyone who disagrees with her.
Johnny Depp:
That’s a bit rude, don’t you think?
Kathleen:
Well, yeah. I mean who the hell stepped on her rose coloured glasses anyways?
Nine of Diamonds:
Stop with the bad puns and help us!
Five of Hearts:
Too late! Here she comes!
[‘Frog’s Theme’ from Chrono Trigger plays, all the cards get into a line and bow/lay flat on the crowd. Apparently the lack of a spine makes it difficult to actually bow. The Red Queen comes strolling along, a flamingo in hand, looking angry as usual. Behind her is a giant parade of cards and gentlemen and a whole courtly procession. Yeah, it’s lame, whatever.]
Red Queen:
What the– What the *beep* have you done to my flowers?!
Kathleen:
[Whispering to Johnny Depp] Huh, Wonderland comes self censored.
Johnny Depp:
So I can’t swear at all?
Kathleen:
Give it a try.
Johnny Depp:
Elijah Wood is a *beep* prig. Hey! [Getting angry] Nobody censors me! *Beep*in’ Wonderland.
Ace of Spades:
Please don’t kill us your highness!
Nine of Diamonds:
You said you didn’t want to see any ROY-G-BIV! What else were we supposed to do?
Red Queen:
NOT this! Although I do like the glitter. I’m certainly willing to PAY for the glitter... But that doesn’t mean it’s good or should be there! Off with their heads!
Kathleen:
Now just hold on! You can’t go around just chopping off heads left and right like a Street Fighter game! I mean, sure, that would be badass, but morally it is a questionable thing to do!
Red Queen:
How dare you questions my actions! I am Francesca Athena Terri Ashlee Susanne the Second!
Johnny Depp:
Wait... F-A-T... oh.
Red Queen:
You can’t tell me what to do! You aren’t my real mother!
Kathleen:
What has that got to do with any-
Red Queen:
Off with your head!
Johnny Depp:
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Now, I may be stuck in this bizarre-cracked-out-freaky-deaky-little-fantasy because of some kids creepy obsession over me, but I draw the line at cutting off her head.
Kathleen:
Yeah! Wait, what?
Red Queen:
Holy crap! You’re Johnny Depp! I loved you in ‘Donnie Brasco’!
Johnny Depp:
Oh for the love of [facepalm] God kill me now.
God:
That can be arranged.
Johnny Depp:
I wasn’t serious!
Red Queen:
Never mind, off with BOTH their heads!
Kathleen:
Wait, mine and Johnny?
Red Queen:
Yes! I can’t have you scalliwags and raggamuffins interrupting my social this afternoon! All the pools boys from the inter-dimensional spaces will be there.
Johnny Depp:
How is it everyone seems to know about inter-dimensional spaces except us?
Kathleen:
Did you say ‘pool boys’? My god, Johnny! This is our chance!
Johnny Depp:
Sure, I guess. Except we’re currently being hauled away by guards.
Kathleen:
Oh...
[The scene changes to the flowerbed, which has now been totally decimated. For the first time we hear a Stage Play Original Song, ‘Wonderland reVAMP’ but if that isn’t available to you you’ll hear‘Murphy’s Ghost’ by Kenji Kawai from the Avalon soundtrack . As the camera or whatever pans over the dead flowers, the music fades away and we see Natalie, crouched amongst the ruins of a once lovely batch of lady slippers.]
Natalie:
Fweehehe! Pretty flowers... niiiiiice flowers.... Die flowers, die!
Lady Slippers:
No! We take back what we said about your mother and the combat boots!
Natalie:
[Singing]
Popping heads off flowers
Takes up all my hours!
Nothing gives more pleasure
Than popping heads off flowers!
Tiger Lily:
Bloody hell! She’s gone mad!
Natalie:
Run, run, run as fast as you can. You can’t catch me, I’m the anatomically correct gingerbread person!
[Scene changes to Alex, Cam, and Spencer who have been walking in circles and ended back at Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee.]
Tweedle Dum:
...And that’s why I’m always right!
Tweedle Dee:
That’s not an excuse!
Cam:
[To Alex] Told you so.
Tweedle Dum:
We’ll let these weirdos decide. Who do you think won the argument?
Alex:
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. I had some BORING stuck in my ear.
Spencer:
How long were they talking?
Cam:
I don’t know. My watch only tells the month and the year... Wait, also the weather in Athabasca.
Alex:
And what’s the weather in Athabasca?
Cam:
Cold. Like always.
Spencer:
That’s stupid. Your watch is stupid.
Cam:
Your face is stupid.
Alex:
Forget it, Cam. In Wonderland conversations like this only lead to frightening confessions that leave everyone wishing they hadn’t learned Uncle Ted likes the feel of my Venus Breeze razor.
Spencer:
What?
Alex:
What? Nothing. Anyways, just accept it Spencer. This is Wonderland, and Cam has butter in his watch.
Cam:
It’s Beceal actually.
Spencer:
[To Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee] Listen, if we say you’re both right, will you let us pass?
Tweedle Dee:
Sure.
Spencer:
Okay, you’re both right.
Tweedle Dum:
How kind, off you go!
[Alex, Cam, and Spencer all facepalm and then proceed to race passed the brothers as fast as they can. Meanwhile Kelti and Cindal have just stumbled upon the Duchesses residence. The Frog-Footman is standing outside, staring at the door.]
Cindal:
Hey, um, what are you doing?
Frog-Footman:
[Sighs] Pondering my existence and its meaning when related to that of this door. You see this door represents-
Kelti:
No existentialism! I will beat you!
Frog-Footman:
But, this door represents a challenge. A dispute that must be solved before anyone can-
Kelti:
Aah lalala! Just let us in.
Frog-Footman:
Fine. Whatever. Go in. See if I care. Where do you want to go?
Cindal:
In. As in, the house.
Frog-Footman:
Fine. [He opens the door and lets the girls into the house. After closing it he scrunches up his face...] I want to go to... Italy! [He opens the door and walks off into a sunset in Italy. This of course will be brought up once again later in the play. Probably with another grand existentialism theory to boot. Back inside the house, Cindal and Kelti have just entered the kitchen.]
Cook:
PEPPER!
Cindal:
[Coughing] It’s like a Tommy Chung movie in here!
Duchess:
Welcome, my dears! What can I do for you?
Cook:
NUTMEG!
Kelti:
We’re, uh, looking for the piece of the Cube of Evil. You haven’t see it around here, have you?
Duchess:
I’m afraid anything that isn’t nailed down is thrown in cooks pot. [Cindal gives her a look] Cooking pot, my dear. Although she does roll a nice doo-
Cook:
CLOVES!
Cindal:
I don’t mean to alarm you, Duchess. But your child is a pig.
Duchess:
And what precisely are you insinuating by that?!
Cindal:
Nothing! I just-
Duchess:
That because he shares half my genes, he’s *fat*, is that it?
Cook:
CARDAMUM!
Cindal:
No, I mean he’s really turned into a pig. Look.
[The duchess does, and realizes that yes, in fact, her child is a pig.]
Duchess:
Well, I’ll be damned. Cook, we lost another one. Toss it into the pot.
Cook:
MINT! THYME! PIG!
Kelti:
Isn’t that canabalism?
Duchess:
Well would you like to raise a pig as a human?
Cook:
SAGE! CARAWAY!
Duchess:
Can you imagine the sort of alienation he would feel in high school? Is he pig? Is he man? My god, just think of the identity crisis! It’s a Doctor Phil episode just waiting to happen!
Cook:
FRENCH TARRAGON!
Duchess:
It’s much more humane just to put him in the pot... Cooking pot that is, and be done with it.
Cook:
LAVENDER!
Kelti:
Oh, well... Okay then. About that cube...
Duchess:
Oh well, I haven’t seen one around. You might want to try the Red Queen’s palace. She’s having a pool party this afternoon. Apparently there’s this saucy Mexican...
Cindal:
Edjuardo! Thank you very much, Duchess! Come on Kel!
[They race from the kitchen and out of the house.]
Duchess:
How’s the soup tasting, Cooky?
Cook:
[Sips it.] Not bad, needs some DILL and CHIVES!
Duchess:
You really should change the battery in your hearing aid.
[Scene shifts to Cam, Alex, and Spencer who are now sitting on the mushrooms by the one and only Caterpillar, looking pretty stoned. ‘Mea Culpa Part II Fading Shade Remix’ by Enigma plays because it is one of the more ‘stoner’ sounding songs I’ve got.]
Caterpillar:
And you know what’s cool, man?
Spencer:
No, what?
Caterpillar:
Hands. I’ve got, like, nineteen of them.
Alex:
[Stoned laugh] No way, dude. It’s got to be an even number and nineteen is, like.... not.
Cam:
Not what?
Alex:
And Even number.
Spencer:
Why do we need an even number?
Alex:
Why...not?
Spencer:
Dude.
Cam:
Hey, hey... Mr. Caterpillar. Tell me... Tell me the secret... [hiccup]... the secret of life, dude.
Caterpillar:
My...my children you have all be so good to me. [He slumps over the mushroom, the three heroes catch him and push him back upright.] I n-now give you...the secret of... LIFE. [The Caterpillar sort of implodes on himself and suddenly there is an explosion of colour, which of course greatly amazes our three stoned heroes. There, in the light, shining like a stained glass butterfly... is a stained glass butterfly.]
All Three:
Duuuuuude.
Butterfly:
Children, you seek what cannot be sought...
Spencer:
Oh! Oh! I love riddles! Let me guess!.. Um... True democracy!
Butterfly:
No, shut up.
You seek what cannot be sought, you crave for what will not fill...
Alex:
A White Castle Burger!
Butterfly:
Wow, you guys really are stoned, huh? Let me finish. Seek what cannot be sought, crave what will not fill... Oh right, okay here we go...
You journey where men are not meant to go, and you fight what was never meant to be defeated. Basically, bascially what I’m getting at here is you are royally screwed so you should probably just save yourselves some time and give up now.
[Suddenly Cindal and Kelti burst from the bushes!]
Cindal:
You’re a plant from the Evil Betty! Get away from our incredibly stoned friends or we’ll RAID your butt!
Butterfly:
Mua ha ha! You can never stop us! Never!
[Meanwhile Kelti has snatched up part of the mushroom, taken a bite, and has grown to the size of a giant. With a single motion she slams the butterfly between her hands.]
Cindal:
You know those are endangered, right?
Kelti:
Meh. [She eats the other side of the mushroom and returns to her normal height.] So guys, I know that you’re uber stoned right now but we should probably get going because the Red Queen is holding some sort of party and Edjuardo is supposed to be there.
Alex:
Dude, dude what are you doing here?
Cam:
Why’d you have to do that, man? He was just about to tell us the meaning of life.
Cindal:
Forty-two now come on!
[The scene changes to the royal party where the Red Queen and the Evil Betty lounge beside a pool with Edjuardo, being served frozen drinks on the backs of random cards. It’s pretty nice looking, especially with Kathleen and Johnny strewn up in a cage over the swimming pool which also happens to be full of sharks.]
The Evil Betty:
Say, Edjuardo, how goes your hunt for the next Rubix Cube piece?
Edjuardo:
Meh, I’d say I’m as close to finding it as they are.
The Evil Betty:
Really? Because my latest sources tell me they are very close indeed, and yet here you are... serving me peeled grapes, which is nice, but it doesn’t get me my cube piece now does it?
Edjuardo:
No, I suppose it doesn’t.
The Evil Betty:
So, maybe you should get on that.
Edjuardo:
But... the leader and her fantasy are tied up. Any good storyline never progresses while the leader is in a bad position!
The Evil Betty:
And you’re under the impression this is a good storyline?
Edjuardo:
I see your point.
The Evil Betty:
Great! So hows about yous get on a horse and go find me a cube piece?
Edjuardo:
But-
The Evil Betty:
Do I have to spell it out Espanola? Cube piece! Now!
Red Queen:
Spanish? I thought he was Mexican.
The Evil Betty:
Pretty interchangeable at this point but I see what you mean. Edjuardo, before you head off, what nationality are you?
Edjuardo:
[Suddenly dropping the accent] Spanish.
The Evil Betty:
Really? Because that is distinctly a Bronx accent.
Edjuardo:
Well-
Cindal:
Stop right there, Evil Betty!
The Evil Betty:
[She turns to find Cindal and Kelti supporting the very stoned Alex, Cam, and Spencer.] What the hell are you five doing here? This is strictly invite only!
Alex:
We’re... here to stop your evil plam... Right?
Cam:
Plan, dude... With an N.
Alex:
Oh. [Hysterical laughter]
Red Queen:
You’re just in time actually, we were about to behead your friends there. [She gestures up to the cage]
Kelti:
Holy crap! You’re Johnny Depp! I loved you in Pirates of the Caribbean!
Johnny Depp:
[To Kathleen] You know, I had always hoped that if I was going to be beheaded by an insane queen, the last words I ever heard would not be some terrible catch phrase.
Kathleen:
You can win em’ all.
Cindal:
You can’t just behead someone because you feel like it! I demand a court case!
Red Queen:
Well, we do have some time before the Chippendale arrive. Why not, we’ll humour you. [She snaps her fingers, suddenly the entire pool area changes into a giant court room. There is a jury box, filled to the brim with everyone’s favourite Alice in Wonderland characters. The Red Queen has seated herself as the Judge, the Evil Betty sits with Edjuardo on the prosecution side. The defence side is oddly empty.]
The Evil Betty:
Well one of you better get up there to defend them.
Alex:
Oh! Oh! I will!
Kelti:
You’re stoned!
Alex:
I work best under pressure!
Cindal:
But-
Alex:
I will defend them, your honour!
White Rabbit:
The defendants, Kathleen Saw-sawa-...Sawinis... God dammit! Swat. And Johnny Depp, stand accused of being uppity towards the monarchy of Wonderland and rude language. How do you plea?
Kathleen:
Well, I mean, we did it so I guess we’re guilty but-
White Rabbit:
Guilty! All right, let’s get this party started. Prosecution, call your first witness!
Edjuardo:
I’d like to call Kathleen and Johnny to the stand.
Johnny Depp:
We’re already on it, you idiot!
Edjuardo:
[Clears throat] Now tell the court, how did you come to be in Wonderland?
Kathleen:
I think it was some sort of combination of acid and magic.
Johnny Depp:
I don’t even want to be here. This is what I get for trying to be a good guy.
Edjuardo:
And tell me, Kathleen. What are you doing next Friday?
Alex:
Objection! Prosecution is CLEARLY coming on to my client!
Edjuardo:
I take it back! I take it back!
Alex:
Damn right you do.
Red Queen:
[Sighing] Defence, please approach the bench. Now tell me just what you’re looking for here in Wonderland.
Alex:
A piece of a Rubix Cube, ma’am. Much like the one your husband is playing with.
Red King:
Wee heheheheheh
Red Queen:
Albert, give the nice defence the cube...
Red King:
No!
Red Queen:
Give her the cube and go to your corner!
Alex:
[Accepting the cube] Thank you your honour and may I say how lovely the roses look!
Red Queen:
Why thank you, I came up with the colour myself.
The Evil Betty:
[Jumping from her seat] No! Edjuardo you fool! You’ve failed again!
[Suddenly the generic bushes begin to rustle around the court. Natalie bursts free and interrupts the court session.]
Cam:
Natalie, what happened to you?
Alex:
Why is she wearing a grass skirt and palm tree top?
Kathleen:
More importantly, where did she get the war paint?
Natalie:
[Chanting]
Popping heads of flowers
Takes up all my hours!
Nothing gives more pleasure
Than popping heads off flowers.
Everyone:
Ah...
Kelti:
Hey, Evil Betty, want to give us another world before Nat here becomes Nut?
The Evil Betty:
I think it might be a bit late for that but here you go! [She waves her hand and does some voodoo. Suddenly Wonderland melts away, our heroes glance around and suddenly find themselves outlined in black.]
[End World 2]
Brilliant, as usual. Have you many evil ideas as to what hell you wish to send the troop next? Outlined in black seems to point at comics...
ReplyDeleteTradition declares we must move on to Anime World, which requires lots n' lots of research. XD
ReplyDelete