[The credits roll as a lovely city scene floats by. We follow a feather, ala Forrest Gump style along a busy city road as ‘Anytime Anywhere’ by Sara Melson plays in the background. Yes, it doesn’t fit the mood but generally we just try to roll with these things in The Stage Play. The Scene stops at Kathleen who is staring up at a large office building looking mightily pissed off.]
Narrator:
[Speaking as the opening montage occurs] The day began as all Mondays do in the working world. It was grey, grey and bleak and slightly moist outside which made everyone irritable, especially the ones with thick hair. No one, not even the thick-haired ones could have guessed that this would be the day the world ends, that this would be the day evil came to work.
Narrator:
[Speaking as the opening montage occurs] The day began as all Mondays do in the working world. It was grey, grey and bleak and slightly moist outside which made everyone irritable, especially the ones with thick hair. No one, not even the thick-haired ones could have guessed that this would be the day the world ends, that this would be the day evil came to work.
[Cam approached from the bus stop.]
Cam:
Another day at the office, huh?
Another day at the office, huh?
Kathleen:
Cam, tell me what we do.
Cam:
What?
Kathleen:
I... I can’t remember what I do for a living.
Cam:
Oh well we’re... Uh... erm...
Kathleen:
Exactly! I’ve been part of a Tetris tourney for the last three weeks! I’m in the semi-finals and for some reason I have the feeling that I’m supposed to be writing a report either involving financing or penguins!
Cam:
What about financing penguins?
Kathleen:
Please, that is the most retarded thing I have ever heard or ever had a visual of ever. There is nothing in this world even remotely as stupid as financing penguins. You sir, are insane.
[Cam shrugs his shoulders carelessly and follows Kathleen into the office building. The first floor seems to be composed of nothing by blondes with busty chests giggling about this and that. Kathleen and Cam are forced to walk through them rather carefully, trying to avoid a) being seen and b) touching them. At last they reach the elevator and get in.
Cam:
[Gasping] I didn’t think we’d make it today!
Kathleen:
Yeah, what’s with the sudden influx of blondes anyways?
Cam:
Hard to say, maybe there’s some sort of Maybelline convention in town.
Kathleen:
Or maybe they’re a sign of the apocalypse!
Cam:
You think an empty peanut butter jar is the sign of the apolocaly-
Kathleen:
There is no evidence suggesting otherwise!
Cam:
[Rolling his eyes] I’ll catch up with you, marketing wants to talk to me.
Kathleen:
Something to do with your ‘Prozac in baby formula’ idea?
Cam:
I hope not, that’s the only thing putting meat on my table.
[They part and Kathleen continues upstairs to the next floor. The elevator doors slide open and we see a cavern of cubicles, with little rodents bustling in and out. It’s basically every stereotyped-non-specified-place-of-business ever created. Kathleen stares at it for a moment from her place at the elevator and heaves a sigh.]
[Kathleen is passing by a row of cubicles when she sees Natalie tossing pieces of sandwich meat into her own box.]
Kathleen:
Nat, what-
Natalie:
Sh! You’ll disturb him!
Kathleen:
Him who? Oh god, did you put a lion in your cubicle? I told you after the prairie dog incident that it was a bad idea...
Natalie:
No, no lion this week. It’s Elijah.
Kathleen:
Er..
Natalie:
[Sighs] Wood, Elijah Wood, he’s living in my cubicle, I had him transferred over from my locker back at school.
Kathleen:
We’ve gone over this, Natalie. Elijah Wood didn’t live in your locker, and he doesn’t live in your cubicle...
Natalie:
Oh but he does! Look, he even left me a present! [She pulls out a grotesque mouldy sandwich that has something moving inside of it.]
Kathleen:
That’s your grade ten science fair project! You told the teachers you were trying to make penicillin!
Natalie:
Don’t be stupid. My grade ten project was a peanut butter sandwich. This is clearly turkey breast! Or maybe cucumber, I’m not quite sure actually... Anyways, it doesn’t matter, Elijah left it for me!
Kathleen:
Come on, Natalie. You’re smarter than that...
Natalie:
Hey, here’s a distraction. Cindal was looking for you.
Kathleen:
Brilliant, it’s Walver day.
Natalie:
Walver day? Does that mean I get a present?
Kathleen:
[As she walks away] No, you have to have been involved in the creation of Walver day to receive gifts, besides, you have Elijah and a sandwich!
Natalie:
[Calling after her] I’ll gladly share!
[Kathleen stops a few cubicles down and glances in]
Kathleen:
Happy Walver Day!
Cindal:
Happy Walver Day, Swat!
Narrator:
Note, Walver Day was created in grade ten by a very bored Cindal and Kathleen. It is meant to fall strictly between Sunday and Monday, however due to heavy drinking Sunday nights it is generally celebrated on Monday’s so people have something to look forward to.
Kathleen:
I got you a plastic dinosaur with a sparkling top hat!
Cindal:
I got you a penguin calculator!
[Kathleen stares somewhat nervously at the calculator before accepting it]Kathleen:Thanks...
Cindal:
You look less than pleased...
Kathleen:
Oh no, it’s awesome! It’s just the oddest thing happened this morning-
[A moment later Betty leans her head out of one of the nearest cubicles]
Betty:
Betty:
Blast you all! Can’t you keep that infernal racket to a minimum? Some of us are trying to create armies of soft plush- I mean... poetry... on... blankets.
Kathleen:
[After Betty disappears back in her cubicle] That was weird... Anyways, I have to jet. I’ve got some serious tetrising to do.
Cindal:
Ciao!
[Kathleen turns and finds Alex standing right behind her.]
Kathleen:
Ga!
Alex:
Yeah? How do you like them ninja skills?
Kathleen:
[Gasping for breath] Great... improvement.
Alex:
Hey, come with me to the copier? I hate using it alone. That creepy guy Nathan just stands there eating his pastries, watching you... It’s weird.
Kathleen:
And then he usually comments on what you’ve copied? Yeah, I’ve noticed. Alright let’s go.
Alex:
Did you hear the boss has hired someone?
Kathleen:
No kidding, who?
Alex:
Some Mexican named Edwardo, Edmund? Edalalalalard, I don’t know.
Kathleen:
Does it ever strike you as odd that despite us working here since we got out of high school, which for the sake of plot and timing, has only been about a year, we’ve yet to meet our boss? And further more, there’s been an abnormal amount of people hired within the last couple months... All with no idea what they’re supposed to be doing?
Alex:
They prepped us for this, Kitty. It’s called the ‘real world’.
Kathleen:
I don’t like it, I much prefer my own imagina-[As they walk by an empty cubicle a giant fireball sudden bursts forth. The girls are suddenly pushed out of the way before getting eaten by the flames (which magically disappear a moment later).]
Alex:
Jesus! Are you alright, Kat?
Kathleen:
Yeah... [She rubs her head and looks around] What happened- Holy crap!
Alex:
What?!
Kathleen:
[Pointing to their saviour] Holy crap, you’re Johnny Depp!
Johnny Depp:
[Looks down at himself and says in mocking surprise] Oh my god, I am!
Kathleen:
For a possible hallucination brought on by a serious concussion, he sure is sarcastic.[But Alex can only stare with her mouth hanging open. Kathleen gets back to her feet, helps Alex up and glances around.]
Kathleen:
A couple questions; one, what are you doing here, and two, where the hell did the giant ball of fire come from?
Johnny Depp:
Well, I’m here to talk to my agent...
Alex:
Oh, we work for a Hollywood Agency!
Johnny Depp:
And, by the smell lingering in the air I’d say you’ve got flammable rats living in the walls of your cubicles.
Kathleen:
You have no idea, do you?
Johnny Depp:
None whatsoever.
[Alex is about to open her mouth and say something when the ground begins to rumble.]
Alex:
Alex:
Kat...
Kathleen:
Oh, oh no, no, no...
Johnny Depp:
What? What is it? What’s going on? Someone tell me right now!
Alex:
Worst timing ever!
Kathleen:
[Checking her watch] Nope, right on schedule. [She grabs Johnny Depp by the wrist] Ditzy fan girls, come on!
Alex:
Where are we taking him?
Kathleen:
The break room! They’d never go in a place where there are crullers and food!
[‘Culex Battle Theme’ from Super Mario RPG begins to play as Alex, Kathleen, and Johnny Depp flee for their lives from the racing hoard of fan girls now trampling through the maze of cubicles.]
[‘Culex Battle Theme’ from Super Mario RPG begins to play as Alex, Kathleen, and Johnny Depp flee for their lives from the racing hoard of fan girls now trampling through the maze of cubicles.]
Alex:
They’re catching up! Hurry!
Johnny Depp:
I don’t get it! Why can’t they go into the break room?
Kathleen:
It’s against their Code of Conduct!
Alex:
Their lipstick melts!
[They heroes bound up a short flight of stairs, reach the break room, and slam the door shut. The music is suddenly replaced by the ‘Fanfare’ from Final Fantasy VII. Kathleen and Johnny turn to Alex who looks a little baffled.]
Alex:
Oh right, my cellphone. Ha! Hello...
[Kathleen and Johnny Depp watch as the fan girls hit the glass doors of the break room and then for whatever reason begin to melt.]
Johnny Depp:
I thought you said only their lipstick melts!
Kathleen:
Well they are composed of 75% lipstick, 5% blush, 10% boy magnets, 9% perfume, and 1% giggles so of course they’re going to melt.
Alex:
[Putting her cell away] It’s the same affect if they try to go into a library. Our friend Betty is a recovery ditz, she breaks out into a terrible rash every time she has to do a paper for college.
Kathleen:
Fortunately there are these new 24 step programs being offered... They’re lengthy, but worth it.
Cam:
[Sauntering over from the other side of the room] Hey guys, ditz trouble again?
Kathleen:
Their radar went off around him. [She thumbs lazily towards Johnny Depp who is still watching the melting ditzes with a disgusted look on his face.]
Cam:
Holy crap, you’re Johnny Depp!
Alex:
Oh my god, you’re right! That’s amazing! We hadn’t even noticed!
Cam:
[Muttering darkly] There is no need to be sarcastic just because I was astounded to see an A list celebrity who would in no way want to sue should this lengthy saga reach the internet.
Johnny Depp:
Sorry, what?
Cam:
Nothing!
Kathleen:
So what are we going to do about Ohnny-Jay?
Johnny Depp:
[Whines] I know pig latin too!
Alex:
We’ve got to get him to his Agent [to Cam] Did you know we work for a talent agency? I always thought we were making cookbooks or something.
Johnny Depp:
Any place in charge of making cookbooks should have a better break room than this...
Alex:
Hey, it’s not my fault they didn’t give a clear job description!
Kathleen:
Yes, yes we can whine about the cookbooks and agents and penguins later. Right now we need to think.
Johnny Depp:
Well can’t I just-ow![Everyone glances down to their feet where there is a small nondescript plushie, something between a bird and a pig, marching around carrying a fork like some sort of weapon.]
Johnny Depp:
What the hell is that and why did it just stab my big toe?
Kathleen:
Weird... Betty was making plushies in her cubicle this morning.
Alex:
You know, she’s been acting really strange lately.
Cam:
How so?
Alex:
Well for one thing she called me a vile wretch of disgusting human kindness the other day.
Cam:
What did you do?
Alex:
Offered her half an orange.
Kathleen:
Wow, she must really hate oranges.
Cam:
Of course she would, it’s impossible to rhyme anything with it-
Johnny Depp:
Um, hello? Yeah, hi, still here. I’m just going to leave now, I’m going to be late...
Kathleen:
Oh I wouldn’t do that if I were you.
Johnny Depp:
Why not?
Kathleen:
Well, now you’re going to have to face an army of guys named ‘Steve’ that are really pissed off because you melted their girlfriends.
Johnny Depp:
Oh, come on!
Cam:
She’s right. Listen, Alex and I will go find Betty, see if she knows why people are acting so weird...
Alex:
What about Kat?
Kathleen:
Someone has to stay here with Mr. Depp.
Johnny Depp:
You kids keep any booze around here? A nice bottle of Russian Prince in a hollowed out Cussler novel maybe...
Kathleen:
Besides, the Ditzes and Jocks want my head on a pike for disobeying the twelfth grade fashion rules.
Alex:
Ah yes, the Blue Rebellion... We lost many loyal followers that day.
Johnny Depp:
...Because you can’t possibly expect me to believe that this [wild gesturing] is taking place without the assistance of some sort of booze or prescription medication.
[Everyone turns to stare at Kathleen]
Kathleen:
Oh, ha ha, very funny. Yes I’m a walking pharmacy, bla bla bla. Get going, you two. I think Steve L has figured out how to use a plasma lance.
[The scene shifts as Alex and Cam fight their way through the Steves, luring some away as they go. Of course, being run down by a bunch of zombie jocks isn’t exactly fun, so now they’re pretty much just fleeing for their lives. ‘Disturbia’ by Rihanna begins to play.]
Cam:
They’re catching up, what do we do?
They’re catching up, what do we do?
Alex:
Give me a buck twenty-five, hurry!
Cam:
Why?
Alex:
Do you want to get killed by a Steve? Hurry up![Alex proceeds to purchase a bag of Original Skittles from the vending machine beside them and tears the bag open.]
Alex:
Back! Back you vicious jocks! I have Skittles, they’re full of deadly transfats and sugars and dyes! Get back!
[The jocks groan all zombie-like, apparently effectively stopped by the awesome power of Skittles. Alex throws them on the floor and they begin to run once again. As they reach the section of the floor where Betty’s cubicle is they begin to slow down.]
Cam:
Hey, do you smell that?
Alex:
Dill pickle?
Cam:
Yeah... It’s... it’s that smoke coming out of that cubicle... Maybe we’re supposed to design new chip flavours for our job.
Alex:
Ew, there is nothing worse than artificial air.
[Suddenly Betty walks through the smoke, now wearing a very evil villain like outfit.]
Betty:
Greetings Cam, Alex. I’d like you to meet Edjuardo. He’s... my pool boy.[Thunder, lightning, terrifying horror, the lot. A well greased up, tanned, lovely looking Mexican steps out from the cubicle and flexes his muscles for all to see.]
Alex:
But, you don’t have a pool...And he doesn’t have a green card!
Cam:
This has got to be some twisted Walver Day joke, right?
Betty:
Nay, I kid ye not!
Cam:
What’s happening?
Alex:
Ye scurvy knave– oh my god! I’m speaking in Ye Olde English!
Betty:
Quite right you are! Thoust has been chosen as servants of mine! You are to quest in search of the Rubix Cube of Evil which long ago was shattered into twenty seven pieces and scattered amongst the world thusly! Bring me the Cubes and I shall not... do something.
Cam:
How’s that?
Betty:
Shut up, I’m still talking. Further more, you are to face your challenge against my pool boy, Eduardo-
Edjuardo:
It’s pronounced... Edjuarrrrrrrdo.
Betty:
Quite right. Should he bring the cubes to me before you, I shall reward him with great things like gift cards and a flat screen HD tv while you lot will suffer unimaginable agony, forced to witness the destruction of your miserable little dimension which, to be perfectly frank, is a little blasé to me.
Alex:
And what be the prize if we should gain the cubes before Edwardo?
Edjuardo:
Edjuarrrrrdo.
Betty:
Should you complete the clearly impossible task before my pool boy I will... think about not destroying your blasé world. And from now on, you must refer to me as... Betty!
Alex:
But, we already do.
Cam:
Yeah, that would be your name.
Betty:
I mean, dammit! From now on you must refer to me as... The Evil Betty!
Cam:
Halt, methinks I spy a fault in your plan!
The Evil Betty:
Oh?
Cam:
Yes, what exactly would be gain by giving you, a self declared evil person, the pieces of an Evil Rubix Cube? Isn’t that just asking for trouble.
The Evil Betty:
You know, when you don’t say it in Ye Olde English I’m tempted to just ignore you, but seeing as how you’ve raised a very good point and one important to the plot, I’ll explain. Do it, or I’ll kill you. Capice?
Cam:
Aye.
The Evil Betty:
Now, you must travel the twenty-seven dimensions beyond your own and retrieve the pieces. The road will be long and hard...
Alex:
Wait, isn’t our world the only world out there?
The Evil Betty:
No! Much lies beyond the walls of the planet Earth!
Cam:
Earth has walls? When did this happen?
Alex:
Berlin, Cam. Berlin.
The Evil Betty:
Enough! Do you accept your quest?
Alex:
What if we say no?
The Evil Betty:
The Evil Betty:
To be perfectly honest, I’m not really giving you a choice in the matter.
Cam:
So all we have to do is collect twenty seven cube pieces-
Alex:
Which would be cubes unto themselves.
Cam:
And bring them back to you.
The Evil Betty:
Yes.
Cam:
Well what happens if Edjuardo gets one and we can’t get it back from him?
The Evil Betty:
Then you’re stuck, aren’t you? Listen, I get this isn’t the best thought out evil plan in the world but you’re just going to have to adjust. I’ll fix the rules as things get more complicated.
Alex:
I didn’t think anything could be more complicated after trying to speak Ye Olde English.
The Evil Betty:
Hun, you have no idea. Anyways, that was your hint for the first world in case you didn’t catch on. Look around...
#1
Ye Olde England
The Evil Betty:
Be careful, don’t catch the plague. I hear it’s going around.
Alex:
Be that it then?
The Evil Betty:
No, you should probably check the clink. I think some of your friends are locked up there.
Cam:
Wait! Methinks we deserve items of assistance for this long journey before us!
The Evil Betty:
[Scoffs] It’s all about you, isn’t it? Alright, here, take several toothpicks, a comb, a pencil and a pair of briefs out of petty cash... But I want the pencil back... someone keeps stealing mine.
[The Evil Betty disappears in a flash of lightning and dill pickle scented smoke. For a moment Alex and Cam, now both decked out in traditional Ye Olde England clothing, stare at Edjuardo, who has armour on, as well as his traditional sombrero.
Edjuardo:
Well, may the best man win. And by man I mean me. And by me, I mean not you. And by not you I mean you suck... And by you suck...
Lady Alex:
We get it, pool boy. Doesn’t thou art have ye olde pool scum to clean from ye wee rafters of thine dorm?
Edjuardo:
Que?
Sir Cam:
Come Lady Alex, we must move at a hastened speed if we wish to rescue Sir Depp and Lady Kat from the clutches of The Evil Betty!
Lady Alex:
Indeed Sir Cam. We must make our way to the Castle of Doom which looms high above our heads.
Sir Cam:
The second floor?
Lady Alex:
Whatever.
[They begin to troop down a pleasant looking Ye Olde English village market, taking in all the sights and god awful smells that must have existed back then. Whew... ‘1234' by Feist is playing in the background for some reason. The music in this is pretty inexplicable most of the time.]
Merchant 1:
Piping hot Sheep bladder! Get your sheep bladder here! While sales last!
Merchant 2:
Get your voodoo dolls here! While supplies last! Pins cost extra! Only thirty gold pieces or a clean serving wench!
Sir Cam:
Oh, I’ll take one!
Merchant:
Pins for ya laddy?
Sir Cam:
Nay, I carry my own [Cam passes over the money and grins menacingly as he accepts the doll]
Lady Alex:
Sir Cam! Thou art must stop wasting time-ith! Me thinks our friends need us!
Sir Cam:
Lady Alex, may I partake in a piece of thine’s lovely golden locks?
Lady Alex:
No, piss off
Sir Cam:
Such language my lady.... [He reaches for a strand of hair and she swats him away]
Lady Alex:
Do I have to tell you to screw off in Ye Olde English to make my point known?
[Cam backs down like any smart man would. They begin to walk out of the market when a horrible screeching noise comes from the crowd]
Lady Alex:
What be-ith that sound of eternal bleeding? It gives me a migraine!
Sir Cam:
It comes from the market square! Be it a damsel in distress?
Lady Alex:
Me thinks it may be, will thou art be thine knight in shining armour and see-ith who could screech like that?
Sir Cam:
One, you’re trying to get rid of me and two, you use way too many thines and thous!
Lady Alex:
Will you just go see what’s going on?
[Cam sulks back towards the market where a large crowd has gathered and is, apparently, rioting quite angrily. Sir Cam forces his way through the crowd to the centre where we see Spencer, dressed in a joker costume, tied to a pole and being pelted with rotten vegetables and cats.]
Mayor:
You, Spencer of the Kingdom of John Doe Inc. Have been accused of witchcraft and bad jokes! How do you take these charges?
Jester Spencer:
I take them, and then I throw them right back atcha! HeeeeeeyWoooga!
Mayor:
Wait, what?
Jester Spencer:
I just said “HeeeeeeyWooga!”
Mayor:
We’re threatening to burn you and you’re using catch phrases?
Jester Spencer:
Heee-
Heee-
Mayor:
Shut up! Listen, we’re going to burn you now, okay? Do you have any last words that involve less than nine vowels?
Jester Spencer:
[After a moment of pondering] And now your moment of zen.
Mayor:
Less than nine!
Jester Spencer:
Sometimes Y, tiny man!
[The crowd proceeds to lunge on the Jester with their torches when the valiant Sir Cam jumps in front of Spencer and blocks their way!]
Sir Cam:
Wait, is this any way to treat the mentally handicapped?
Jester Spencer:
Yea-Hey!
Sir Cam:
Shut up! I’m getting you out of here! Listen, I know we’re living in a very ancient sort of time, some might even call it a ye olde time, but we’ve got to face facts! Times are a-changin’ and we’ve got to change with them! People like the Jester here can be employed in minimum wage jobs that the rest of you don’t want to take! Like... His Highness, the King of Burgers, and Dr. McDonalds, and Lady Wendys! Look, look! [He cuts Spencer loose and holds up his hand.] Look at the steady precision! Imagine the burgers this lad could flip!
Mayor:
We do like our fried meats around here.
Villager:
Especially cat.
Mayor:
Ooh yes, everyone loves a good cat.
Sir Cam:
Well there you have it, it’s settled. Jester Spencer, from now on you shall be referred to as Burger Flipper Spencer.
Jester Spencer:
I certainly shall not!
Sir Cam:
My god, you’re thicker than a Christmas fruitcake aren’t you?
Mayor:
I’m beginning to think we’ve been had... Quick! After them!
[Spencer and Cam race off into the crowd, grabbing Alex by the hand as they go and ducking into the nearest, darkest alley they can find.]
Lady Alex:
Sir Cam, how you aggravate the crowds so!
Sir Cam:
Oh no, you can’t pin this lynching on me. They were after the Court Jester.
Lady Alex:
Hm, Spencer. Somehow, with the mediocrity of this play being what it is, I’m just not surprised.
Jester Spencer:
And with the mediocrity of this play being what it is, no wonder you only play a lesser character.
Lady Alex:
Why I oughta slug you!
Sir Cam:
If you two are both done hurling insults at each other, I think maybe we ought to try and reach the castle where Lady Kathleen and Sir Johnny are being held.
Jester Spencer:
Sir Johnny? We don’t work with a Johnny... Wait, no there’s John Johnison in accounting, are you thinking of him?
Lady Alex:
Why would we have an accounting department if we’re a talent agency?
Jester Spencer:
What be this nonsense you speak of? We’re charted accountants.
Lady Alex:
Seriously? Don’t tell Kathleen, she’ll cry.
Jester Spencer:
Wait, if we’re accountants then there’s no way she would work with us.
Sir Cam:
[AS they begin to wander the now quiet streets towards a castle looming on a hill before them] True, I think accounting firms like their employees to be able to work with a basic set of numbers without a calculator.
Lady Alex:
Or toes.
Jester Spencer:
There is absolutely nothing wrong with taking off your shoes to do addition! Maths are hard.
Sir Cam:
Apparently so is English.
Narrator:
Meanwhile! Back in the now reformed Lunchroom-Dungeon.
Lady Kathleen:
Well I’ll be damned, the walls are made of luncheon meats.
Sir Johnny Depp:
Oh thank god! We can eat our way out of here!
Lady Kathleen:
Not if you want to live to tell people about this.
Sir Johnny Depp:
At this point I’m not entirely convinced this isn’t just some terrible drug trip, in which case I’d probably keep it to myself anyways.
[Suddenly there is a loud commotion. Kathleen and Johnny Depp race to the door of their cell and peer out where unimportant guard #1 is pushing the Non-Reverend Cindal into a cell across from them.]
Non-Reverend Cindal:
I’m innocent I tells ya! I’ve been framed! The hooker wasn’t like that when I – wait, what are the charges?
Unimportant Guard #1:
Cindal of the Poptart Guild, you are hereby sentenced to life in prison on the following charges; impersonating a member of the clergy...
Non-Reverend Cindal:
I’m a non-religious preacher, moron. It’s what I do.
Unimportant Guard #1:
Witchcraft...
Non-Reverend Cindal:
Did it.
Unimportant Guard #1:
Food poisoning...
Non-Reverend Cindal:
Got it.
Unimportant Guard #1:
Stealing money from a blind beggar.
Non-Reverend Cindal:
Had it until my horse lost at the track.
Unimportant Guard #1:
And running over the band N’Syncith
Non-Reverend Cindal:
Twice. And you spelled ‘Cindal’ wrong.
Unimportant Guard #1:
On these charges how do you plea?
Non-Reverend Cindal:
Does it matter? I mean, you said at the start of this whole banter that I was already getting life in prison...
Unimportant Guard #1:
True, but we like to put on a show here.
Non-Reverend Cindal:
Oh, well in that case... [Clears throat] I’m innocent! They stepped in front of the wagon! I’ve never snorted cocaine before in my entire life! I was young and rebellious and part of a bad crowd! My god have you no mercy! [Adapting a Scottish accent]You can take my freedom but you cannit take my buckets!
Unimportant Guard #1:
Actually, no buckets is part of your punishment. So I’ll just take that. Good luck going to the bathroom by the way.
Non-Reverend Cindal:
THE GENEVA CONVENTION WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS. [The guard slams the door and walks away.] Well he was nice, that was fun. Hey, Swat! What are you doing here?
Lady Kathleen:
To be perfectly honest, I’m not sure. So far Johnny Depp and I have narrowed it down to a bad acid trip or possibly a hallucination created by the alien race that took over the planet eons ago and only now has decided to make our lives a little more interesting.
Sir Johnny Depp:
Personally I like the latter.
Non-Reverend Cindal:
Holy crap! You’re Johnny Depp! I loved you in ‘Ed Wood’
[Johnny Depp/headwall. Kathleen is about to say something when there is a groan from yet another cell. Everyone cranes their heads out the bars and peers into the nearest cell where Natalie is sort of stumbling to her feet.]
Wench Natalie:
What the hell happened? Was I hit by a – [She glances down, her eyes bulge] What the hell? These aren’t my boobs! I can’t even see my feet! What the hell is going on here?
Lady Kathleen:
[Stifling laughter] Um, Natalie?
Wench Natalie:
WHAT?
Lady Kathleen:
It seems as if you’ve gotten the... how do I put it? Short end of the medieval rope?
Wench Natalie:
What... ith?
Sir Johnny Depp:
People in your situation tend to be very... carefree?
Lady Kathleen:
Tip endorsed?
Non-Reverend Cindal:
You’re a serving wench! A s-e-r-v-i-n-g w-e-n-c-h!
[Natalie looks down again, does a little pirouette, then scowls.]
Wench Natalie:
And ye could not think of anything better?
Narrator:
You play the cards you’re dealt, lady. Sorry. Meanwhile, Sir Cam, Lady Alex, and Jester Spencer all approach the castle gates were Guard Nathan is eating a honey glaze doughnut and looking pretty bored.[The scene shifts to depict just this.]
Guard Nathan:
[Spitting doughnut...donut, whatever, all over the place.] Halt! [Gag] Who goes there?
Lady Alex:
Us.
Guard Nathan:
Well who is us?
Jester Spencer:
No, no. The proper term is ‘I’. You use ‘I’ when talking about yourself.
Guard Nathan:
Then... who is I?
Sir Cam:
We have no idea, have you tried looking in a mirror?
Guard Nathan:
Wait.. What?
Lady Alex:
Can we go through please?
Guard Nathan:
Who are you?!
Lady Alex:
Oh, I’m Alex, this is Spencer and Cam. We might be from the talent floor, or possibly the cookbook floor... Or we might be from accounting or a potato chip factory. We’re not sure.
Guard Nathan:
Oh thank god, I thought I was the only one!
Sir Cam:
Yeah, hey. Can we go through? It’s just some of our friends and for some unknown reason Johnny Depp are all locked up in the castle and we really need to rescue them.
Guard Nathan:
Sure... But first you have to answer three questions.
Jester Spencer:
What if we get them wrong?
Guard Nathan:
Oh don’t worry. The union supplies the questions, they’re all really easy.
Lady Alex:
[Whispering excitedly to Cam] We work for someplace that has a union!
Sir Cam:
All right! Cheap justice here we come! Lay the questions on us good sir, we are fully prepared to answer them!
Guard Nathan:
Excellent! King Arthur has three apples, he gives two to Merlin. How many apples does Arthur have left?
Jester Spencer:
Ha, let’s see Kathleen answer this without a caculat–[Alex hits him up the side of the head.][Sighs] One...
Guard Nathan:
Oh very good! Second question! How many licks does it take to get to the centre of a tootsie pop?
Sir Cam:
322!
Guard Nathan:
Really?
Sir Cam:
There have been studies!
Guard Nathan:
Interesting. All right, for all you ‘smarties’... Bwa ha ha ! Ha... Ahh... Why do you eat the red ones last?
Jester Spencer:
I don’t eat them last, do you?
Lady Alex:
Lady Alex:
No! I thought you were suppose to eat them first!
Sir Cam:
Nope, definitely last.
Jester Spencer:
First!
Sir Cam:
Last!
Jester Spencer:
First!
[Three hours later]
Lady Alex:
...And that’s why I’m always right!
Sir Cam:
Well, that’s all very well and good but what has that got to do with smarties?
Lady Alex:
Because I’m...a...smartie?
Jester Spencer:
[Cough] pants [cough]
Guard Nathan:
Never mind, I’m bored with you lot now. [He takes out a Tootsie pop and begins to lick it.]One... Go save your friends... Two... But if you’re wrong... Three... Hooboy there’ll be hell to pay!
[‘Cloudbusting’ by Kate Bush begins to play as our heroes enter the extravagant castle and begin to make their way to the dungeon.]
Lady Alex:
[Huff puff!] You know... [Gasp] I’m really liking this soundtrack following us... Ga! Stitch in my side!
Jester Spender:
Walk it off! Walk it off!
Lady Alex:
[As she collapses] It’s too late! Go on without me!
Sir Cam:
[Pulling her back to her feet] Get up, big baby.
Lady Alex:
I’m cured! It’s a miracle!
[Sir Cam, Lady Alex and The Unfunny One run up through the castle at an abnormal speed towards the dungeon. Imagine one of those old silent movies, yeah like that. Eventually they come to the dungeon door]
Jester Spencer:
Thy door may be lockithed, what in the name of muddy rodents shall we do?
Sir Cam:
Indeed this posses conundrum for us, we have only tooth picks, briefs, a comb and a pencil... and if we break the pencil The Evil Betty may imprison us!
Lady Alex:
But...
Jester Spencer:
Take heed and stuff it Lady Alex, we are the men here and we will sort out this conundrum!
Sir Cam:
Now if we use pencil shavings...
Lady Alex:
Will you guys listen...
Jester Spencer:
The briefs could be the casing!
Lady Alex:
Lady Alex:
Yo pin heads!
Sir Cam:
... and the toothpicks will create a spark...
Lady Alex:
Umm, Guys?
Jester Spencer:
What is it?
Lady Alex:
Do you think there might be a slim chance that the door is actually unlocked?
[Cam checks the door]
Sir Cam:
Well, I’ll be a glovers bitch, would you look at that?
Jester Spencer:
Glover’s bit–? That doesn’t even make sense!
Sir Cam:
Shut up!
Lady Alex
[As they enter the dungeon she yells at the top of her lungs] Hey Kitty!
Lady Kathleen:
Ga!
Non-Reverend Cindal:
Well, beith about time! We were starting to get bored!
Lady Kathleen:
Yeah, geez. We were over halfway down the Sweeney Todd Sountrack...
[Johnny Depp head/wall]
Lady Alex:
Well, do you want us to come back later?
Wench Natalie:
No, it pretty much goes down hill when Alan Rickman dies.
[From his corner in the cell Alan Rickman stumbles upwards]
Alan Rickman:
Thank you! Finally, a little apprecia–
Sir Cam:
So anyways, the Evil Betty has bequested... I don’t think that’s even a word but we’re lacking some serious Ye Olde Lingo so there you go, she’s bequested us to seek the 27 pieces of the Evil Rubix Cube and bring them to her. She has tasked us against her servant and pool boy, Edjuardo. Should we fail she said the consequences would be dire.
Lady Alex:
Sir Cam overreacts, she never used the words ‘dire’.
Sir Cam:
It was implied!
Lady Alex:
I could very well imply that your haircut makes you look like a pumpkin. Implications are everywhere, that doesn’t mean they’re true.
Jester Spencer:
She’s right you know... It’s more of a summer squash sort of look.
Sir Johnny Depp:
Wait, I don’t have to do this, do I? I mean, I don’t know this Evil Betty. I’m just an innocent bystander, so can I go home?
Jester Spencer:
Holy crap, you’re Johnny Depp!
[a chorus of sighs.]
Wench Natalie:
Me thinks you might be trapped here until we retrieve the cubes. Then, and only then, will ye be allowed to return from whence you came.
Lady Kathleen:
Oo, nice use of the word ‘whence.’ There might just be some nobility in you yet! Instead of, y’know, wenchiness.
Sir Johnny Depp:
But I have a family to care for! And movies to make! I can’t stay here!
Sir Cam:
Yeah? And we’ve got jobs to do... Granted we don’t actually know what they are, but we still have to do them!
Wench Natalie:
Don’t worry, Elijah Wood will keep you company...
Alan Rickman:
[From his cell] I could-
Wench Natalie:
I just have to convince him to come out of my cubicle.
Sir Cam:
Ah dear... I don’t quite know how to break this to you, Wench but... Since the Evil Betty has transformed our world your cubicle is sort of...gone.
Wench Natalie:
...What?
Lady Alex:
Now, just calm down, Natalie. I’m sure we’ll be able-
Wench Natalie:
Elijah is... gone?
Jester Spencer:
Deep breaths, Natalie.
Wench Natalie:
Natalie... Mad!
Lady Kathleen:
Quick, Sir Cam! Get her a paper bag before she goes Hulk!
Non-Reverend Cindal:
Please speak sweet truths that our saviours have come with the means to offer us escape?
Jester Spencer:
I have pinched them.
Sir Cam:
What... ith?
Jester Spencer:
My sly jester fingers have relived the Guard Nathan of his keys.
Lady Alex:
We don’t speak jester, put it in English..
Jester Spencer:
Thous keys have been removedith off of the guard near the head of the-
Lady Alex:
Not Olde English you moron! 21st Century English!
Jester Spencer:
Oh, I stole his keys.
Sir Cam:
[After a moment of prolonged silence] Well great, you want to use them or what?
Lady Kathleen:
Before Natalie explodes, please!
[Jester Spencer hastily unlocks all the doors, conveniently forgetting about Alan Rickman which really doesn’t matter because he never shows up again in the play anyways. Everyone is quick to swarm around the Wench Natalie and force her to squat and put her head between her legs while doing deep breathing exercises.]
Lady Kathleen:
There, now isn’t that better? Don’t you worry, Natalie. We’ll get Elijah back yet.
Sir Johnny Depp:
[Whispering to Kathleen] I might be missing something but... Elijah Wood doesn’t really live in her cubicle does he?
Lady Kathleen:
No, although to be fair I’ve never seen him myself and she’s got no reason to lie about it. I’m beginning to think anything is possible...
Sir Cam:
Like financing penguins!
Lady Kathleen:
No. That is still stupid. Okay, so explain again just what is going on?
[So Lady Alex and Sir Cam begin to go carefully through everything they learned from the Evil Betty about the Cube of Evil and Edjuardo. Once they are finished Natalie is still busy hyperventilating, Kathleen and Johnny Depp just look unamused.]
Lady Kathleen:
Sounds pretty lame to me.
Sir Johnny Depp:
Yeah – shotgun not being the leader!
[Everyone proceeds to follow suit, leaving Kathleen the last to claim dibs, much to her chagrin.]
Lady Kathleen:
But I don’t want to be leader! [Whines] I’m a horrible leader!
Wench Natalie:
Not [gasp] what those personality tests... [heave] they made us take [huff puff] at that retreat last month said...
Lady Alex:
So we work at a place that makes us go to retreats? God, it’s like I’m living my own worst nightmare.
Sir Johnny Depp:
Methinks you lot have some issues staying on task.
Jester Spencer:
Yes, the personality test said that too.
ir Johnny Depp:
So... [Looking at Kathleen] Ms. Leader. What do we do now? I really want to go home.
Lady Kathleen:
Well, erm, I guess our best bet would be to pursue this strange Cube of Evil placed within the confines of the world and retrieve it for the Evil Betty.
Wench Natalie:
[Finally ceasing her hyperventilating] Even though giving a Cube of Evil to the Evil Betty is just a bad idea? Evil^2
Lady Kathleen:
Yes, but the sooner we find it the sooner we may depart this rat and plague infested world. So... what, split up?
[The team mumbles some agreement and separates itself into different little segments, Non-Reverend Cindal with Sir Cam, Wench Natalie with Lady Alex, Jester Spencer contemplates letting Alan Rickman go but ends up changing his mind and goes off on his own while Lady Kathleen and Sir Johnny Depp head deeper into the castle.]
Sir Johnny Depp:
So does shit like this happen to you all the time?
Lady Kathleen:
Well, there were a few incidents in High School involving a locker and Narnia... Then there was the whole supreme court case regarding ownership of our mountain... So yeah, I guess you could say it does.
Sir Johnny Depp:
Anything to this extent?
Lady Kathleen:
Nope, this would be a whole new realm of freaky.
Sir Johnny Depp:
And you really can’t explain it?
Lady Kathleen:
Oh I’m sure I could if I tried, the question is do you want to hear my reasoning behind it?
Sir Johnny Depp:
[After carefully scrutinizing her] No, no I don’t.
Lady Kathleen:
Smart man.
Narrator:
Meanwhile, the Non-Reverend Cindal and Sir Cam have returned to the market, which has suddenly become alarmingly abandoned.
Sir Cam:
Odd, it was bustling only a few minutes ago.
Non Reverend Cindal:
Perhaps they heard of our arrival and fled for their lives?
Sir Cam:
Perhaps they heard of your arrival...
Non Reverend Cindal:
I could have you ex-communicated for such blasphemy!
Sir Cam:
What was blasphemous about it? If anything it was insulting!
Non Reverend Cindal
:Just... shut up. Let’s start knocking on doors, see if we can’t find out what’s going on.
[They split up and beginning knocking on doors, as per the Non Reverend’s idea. At first the towns folk don’t answer. Then slowly, but surely...]
Master Glover:
Haven’t you heard? The dragon’s up and about!
Sir Cam:
What dragon be this?
Master Cobbler:
What drag-? Do you live in a dung hill? The dragon! The same one that’s in every quaint Ye Olde Village, the same one we sacrifice helpless virgins too every other week to feed its astronomical appetite!
Non Reverend Cindal:
And... did you find a virgin for this week?
Master Pie Maker:
Well, as it turns out the Court Jester-
Non Reverend Cindal:
Aw shit, come on Sir Cam.
[Scene shifts to Wench Natalie and Lady Alex trouping over the countryside. Through a quick montage we learn that they were witnesses to the townsfolk carrying Jester Spencer away into the mountains although Natalie, distracted by an Elijah Wood look-alike, opted not to do anything about it. Now they’re just trying to find him.]
Wench Natalie:
[Grumbling] Make me into a wench... I’ll wench her.. Wench her good...
Lady Alex:
Let it go, serving wench. We have much larger issues requiring our attention at this time.
Wench Natalie:
Such as?
Lady Alex:
[As they come to the top of a hill and look into a valley where your typical cave can be found with helpless virgin tied to a stake before it...just waiting to get eaten.] Such as Spence about to get consumed by a dragon.
Wench Natalie:
To be fair, we don’t know it’s a dragon yet. [A comical burst of fire erupts from the cave, singeing Spencer.] Okay, now we know. What’s the plan?
Lady Alex:
I’m thinking we just make a run for it. [Natalie gives her an ‘are you serious?’ look.] Oh well, I mean, we’ll go get him first obviously, but then we’ll run for it.
Narrator:
Meanwhile, back at the castle...
[Scene shifts to Lady Kathleen and Sir Johnny Depp running up a flight of stairs in a tower, going around and around and around...Yeesh.]
Lady Kathleen:
I don’t want to complain but I’m starting to feel re-e-e-ally nauseous!
Sir Johnny Depp:
Try not to think about it!
Lady Kathleen
Not exactly easy considering the symphony of reminders currently going on in my stoma-[She gives in, sticks her head out the nearest window, and throws up. Someone below cries out.] In some cultures it’s considered a blessing! [Suddenly something captures her attention. A small image on the horizon, getting very close, very quickly... And three tiny figures running away from it as fast as they can.]
Sir Johnny Depp:
What is it?
Lady Kathleen:
I’m going to say... dragon.
Sir Johnny Depp:
[Grabs her hand and pulls her along] Come on! To the top of the tower!
Lady Kathleen:
[As they reach the top of the tower and have a perfect view of all going on in the village below including the impending dragon attack.] And what exactly will this accomplish?
Sir Johnny Depp:
Wait for it...
Lady Kathleen:
[Leaning over the edge of the tower] Hey Al! Next time you want to irritate a lizard choose something smaller like an iguana!
Lady Alex:
[From far, far, far below] Very funny! Help us!
Sir Johnny Depp:
Get ready...
Lady Kathleen:
What are you talking about? [She glances at him and suddenly realizes what his plan is... although calling it a plan isn’t exactly right. A plan suggests there is some sort of end already in mind to be accomplished; in this case it’s more of a ‘Hey, let’s do this for fun!’ sort of situation with fun being sort of contestable.]
Lady Kathleen:
Oh no, no, no! I have a problem with heights as it is! Things flying and me don’t get along! I don’t want to– [Sir Johnny Depp grabs her hand and before she can scream ‘Die!’ they are hurtling over the edge of the tower and landing on the back of the dragon! Awesome!]
Sir Johnny Depp:Wooo!
Lady Kathleen:
[Eyes closed, leaning forward and clutching the body of the dragon for all it’s worth.] Gaa!
Sir Johnny Depp:
Come on! You know as well as I do this is just a crazy hallucination! Enjoy the ride!
[So there’s this whole montage of them flying on the back of the dragon, it’s very badass. ‘Shiver’ by Coldplay begins, because it’s got that whole awesome uplifting feel to it. Seriously, close your eyes and imagine it. Are you doing it? If you’re reading this then you aren’t. ]
Lady Kathleen:
Woo!
[The dragon begins to approach a familiar castle, al la the style of Harry Potter.]
Lady Kathleen:
Hey you, not yet! We’re not visiting Hogwarts just yet!
[The dragon makes a 180 and heads back towards Ye Olde England. Far below on an open field the other heroes are somehow managing to successfully hold up a cow all by themselves, tempting the dragon down. It lands with an ungracious thump, sending Lady Kathleen and Sir Johnny Depp tumbling from it’s back. It’s a bit of a painful drop.]
Lady Kathleen:
[Nursing a scrapped elbow] What was that you said about this all being a hallucination?
Sir Johnny Depp:
What?!
Lady Kathleen:
I said-
Sir Johnny Depp:
I can’t hear you! My ears haven’t popped!
[As the dragon munches down its bovine treat, the heroes all gather for a quick recap on what just happened.]
Narrator:
See, this is the problem with Stage Plays; try as I might, I’ll never be able to properly convey all the scenery and different actions. If anything, the bracketed items merely act as fillers... But don’t think that means you don’t have to read them, no siree...
Wench Natalie:
And it was my idea to feed it a cow! Spencer wanted to go back for the Glover but I said no, the dragon doesn’t want an old leathery taste... He’ll prefer fresh things!
[The dragon is lounging against a giant boulder, picking its teeth with a bovine spine (ha!) When suddenly it begins to choke. It sits there, coughing up smoke for a moment, before a tiny, minuscule cube, about the size of a lump of sugar, pops out of its mouth and lands on the ground at the feet of the heroes.]
Everyone:
Eww!
Lady Alex:
It’s covered in spit, who’s gonna pick it up?[All at once everyone takes a step away from it.]
Sir Cam:
Definitely a leaders job.
Jester Spencer:
Oh without a doubt.
Lady Kathleen
:[Grumbling] Bastards... [She wipes off the dragon spit and tucks the cube into her pocket.] All right, we’ve got the first cube piece, now what?
The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Wha-? What the hell? Dragon spit? How the hell did you figure out you had to conquer a dragon and make it spit? This is impossible! This plot is carefully thought out, the cubes are hidden in remote destinations not even you lot could think of!
Lady Kathleen:
Evidently, we could.
Sir Johnny Depp:
Can I go home *now*?
The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
No! We need you to act as a harness on all the insanity!
Sir Johnny Depp:
But... The dragon... I just jumped on to the back of a dragon! How can I possibly-
The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
[Booming] SILENCE. All right... Pull yourself together Betty... It’s going to be okay... Edjuardo’s a good pool boy, he won’t fail you... I’ll let you lot have the cube – THIS time. But the next world, hooboy you better watch yourselves. You thought this place was like an acid trip? This ain’t nothing compared to the... Ah hell, you’ll find out soon enough! SHAZAM!
[Our heroes are suddenly cast into total darkness. The Charmed Theme Song begins to play, everyone starts too feel kind of neauseous because that’s what happens when the world around you spins out of control. Suddenly they’re falling, falling, Falllllllllling!]
[End World 1]
Elijah is... gone?
Jester Spencer:
Deep breaths, Natalie.
Wench Natalie:
Natalie... Mad!
Lady Kathleen:
Quick, Sir Cam! Get her a paper bag before she goes Hulk!
Non-Reverend Cindal:
Please speak sweet truths that our saviours have come with the means to offer us escape?
Jester Spencer:
I have pinched them.
Sir Cam:
What... ith?
Jester Spencer:
My sly jester fingers have relived the Guard Nathan of his keys.
Lady Alex:
We don’t speak jester, put it in English..
Jester Spencer:
Thous keys have been removedith off of the guard near the head of the-
Lady Alex:
Not Olde English you moron! 21st Century English!
Jester Spencer:
Oh, I stole his keys.
Sir Cam:
[After a moment of prolonged silence] Well great, you want to use them or what?
Lady Kathleen:
Before Natalie explodes, please!
[Jester Spencer hastily unlocks all the doors, conveniently forgetting about Alan Rickman which really doesn’t matter because he never shows up again in the play anyways. Everyone is quick to swarm around the Wench Natalie and force her to squat and put her head between her legs while doing deep breathing exercises.]
Lady Kathleen:
There, now isn’t that better? Don’t you worry, Natalie. We’ll get Elijah back yet.
Sir Johnny Depp:
[Whispering to Kathleen] I might be missing something but... Elijah Wood doesn’t really live in her cubicle does he?
Lady Kathleen:
No, although to be fair I’ve never seen him myself and she’s got no reason to lie about it. I’m beginning to think anything is possible...
Sir Cam:
Like financing penguins!
Lady Kathleen:
No. That is still stupid. Okay, so explain again just what is going on?
[So Lady Alex and Sir Cam begin to go carefully through everything they learned from the Evil Betty about the Cube of Evil and Edjuardo. Once they are finished Natalie is still busy hyperventilating, Kathleen and Johnny Depp just look unamused.]
Lady Kathleen:
Sounds pretty lame to me.
Sir Johnny Depp:
Yeah – shotgun not being the leader!
[Everyone proceeds to follow suit, leaving Kathleen the last to claim dibs, much to her chagrin.]
Lady Kathleen:
But I don’t want to be leader! [Whines] I’m a horrible leader!
Wench Natalie:
Not [gasp] what those personality tests... [heave] they made us take [huff puff] at that retreat last month said...
Lady Alex:
So we work at a place that makes us go to retreats? God, it’s like I’m living my own worst nightmare.
Sir Johnny Depp:
Methinks you lot have some issues staying on task.
Jester Spencer:
Yes, the personality test said that too.
ir Johnny Depp:
So... [Looking at Kathleen] Ms. Leader. What do we do now? I really want to go home.
Lady Kathleen:
Well, erm, I guess our best bet would be to pursue this strange Cube of Evil placed within the confines of the world and retrieve it for the Evil Betty.
Wench Natalie:
[Finally ceasing her hyperventilating] Even though giving a Cube of Evil to the Evil Betty is just a bad idea? Evil^2
Lady Kathleen:
Yes, but the sooner we find it the sooner we may depart this rat and plague infested world. So... what, split up?
[The team mumbles some agreement and separates itself into different little segments, Non-Reverend Cindal with Sir Cam, Wench Natalie with Lady Alex, Jester Spencer contemplates letting Alan Rickman go but ends up changing his mind and goes off on his own while Lady Kathleen and Sir Johnny Depp head deeper into the castle.]
Sir Johnny Depp:
So does shit like this happen to you all the time?
Lady Kathleen:
Well, there were a few incidents in High School involving a locker and Narnia... Then there was the whole supreme court case regarding ownership of our mountain... So yeah, I guess you could say it does.
Sir Johnny Depp:
Anything to this extent?
Lady Kathleen:
Nope, this would be a whole new realm of freaky.
Sir Johnny Depp:
And you really can’t explain it?
Lady Kathleen:
Oh I’m sure I could if I tried, the question is do you want to hear my reasoning behind it?
Sir Johnny Depp:
[After carefully scrutinizing her] No, no I don’t.
Lady Kathleen:
Smart man.
Narrator:
Meanwhile, the Non-Reverend Cindal and Sir Cam have returned to the market, which has suddenly become alarmingly abandoned.
Sir Cam:
Odd, it was bustling only a few minutes ago.
Non Reverend Cindal:
Perhaps they heard of our arrival and fled for their lives?
Sir Cam:
Perhaps they heard of your arrival...
Non Reverend Cindal:
I could have you ex-communicated for such blasphemy!
Sir Cam:
What was blasphemous about it? If anything it was insulting!
Non Reverend Cindal
:Just... shut up. Let’s start knocking on doors, see if we can’t find out what’s going on.
[They split up and beginning knocking on doors, as per the Non Reverend’s idea. At first the towns folk don’t answer. Then slowly, but surely...]
Master Glover:
Haven’t you heard? The dragon’s up and about!
Sir Cam:
What dragon be this?
Master Cobbler:
What drag-? Do you live in a dung hill? The dragon! The same one that’s in every quaint Ye Olde Village, the same one we sacrifice helpless virgins too every other week to feed its astronomical appetite!
Non Reverend Cindal:
And... did you find a virgin for this week?
Master Pie Maker:
Well, as it turns out the Court Jester-
Non Reverend Cindal:
Aw shit, come on Sir Cam.
[Scene shifts to Wench Natalie and Lady Alex trouping over the countryside. Through a quick montage we learn that they were witnesses to the townsfolk carrying Jester Spencer away into the mountains although Natalie, distracted by an Elijah Wood look-alike, opted not to do anything about it. Now they’re just trying to find him.]
Wench Natalie:
[Grumbling] Make me into a wench... I’ll wench her.. Wench her good...
Lady Alex:
Let it go, serving wench. We have much larger issues requiring our attention at this time.
Wench Natalie:
Such as?
Lady Alex:
[As they come to the top of a hill and look into a valley where your typical cave can be found with helpless virgin tied to a stake before it...just waiting to get eaten.] Such as Spence about to get consumed by a dragon.
Wench Natalie:
To be fair, we don’t know it’s a dragon yet. [A comical burst of fire erupts from the cave, singeing Spencer.] Okay, now we know. What’s the plan?
Lady Alex:
I’m thinking we just make a run for it. [Natalie gives her an ‘are you serious?’ look.] Oh well, I mean, we’ll go get him first obviously, but then we’ll run for it.
Narrator:
Meanwhile, back at the castle...
[Scene shifts to Lady Kathleen and Sir Johnny Depp running up a flight of stairs in a tower, going around and around and around...Yeesh.]
Lady Kathleen:
I don’t want to complain but I’m starting to feel re-e-e-ally nauseous!
Sir Johnny Depp:
Try not to think about it!
Lady Kathleen
Not exactly easy considering the symphony of reminders currently going on in my stoma-[She gives in, sticks her head out the nearest window, and throws up. Someone below cries out.] In some cultures it’s considered a blessing! [Suddenly something captures her attention. A small image on the horizon, getting very close, very quickly... And three tiny figures running away from it as fast as they can.]
Sir Johnny Depp:
What is it?
Lady Kathleen:
I’m going to say... dragon.
Sir Johnny Depp:
[Grabs her hand and pulls her along] Come on! To the top of the tower!
Lady Kathleen:
[As they reach the top of the tower and have a perfect view of all going on in the village below including the impending dragon attack.] And what exactly will this accomplish?
Sir Johnny Depp:
Wait for it...
Lady Kathleen:
[Leaning over the edge of the tower] Hey Al! Next time you want to irritate a lizard choose something smaller like an iguana!
Lady Alex:
[From far, far, far below] Very funny! Help us!
Sir Johnny Depp:
Get ready...
Lady Kathleen:
What are you talking about? [She glances at him and suddenly realizes what his plan is... although calling it a plan isn’t exactly right. A plan suggests there is some sort of end already in mind to be accomplished; in this case it’s more of a ‘Hey, let’s do this for fun!’ sort of situation with fun being sort of contestable.]
Lady Kathleen:
Oh no, no, no! I have a problem with heights as it is! Things flying and me don’t get along! I don’t want to– [Sir Johnny Depp grabs her hand and before she can scream ‘Die!’ they are hurtling over the edge of the tower and landing on the back of the dragon! Awesome!]
Sir Johnny Depp:Wooo!
Lady Kathleen:
[Eyes closed, leaning forward and clutching the body of the dragon for all it’s worth.] Gaa!
Sir Johnny Depp:
Come on! You know as well as I do this is just a crazy hallucination! Enjoy the ride!
[So there’s this whole montage of them flying on the back of the dragon, it’s very badass. ‘Shiver’ by Coldplay begins, because it’s got that whole awesome uplifting feel to it. Seriously, close your eyes and imagine it. Are you doing it? If you’re reading this then you aren’t. ]
Lady Kathleen:
Woo!
[The dragon begins to approach a familiar castle, al la the style of Harry Potter.]
Lady Kathleen:
Hey you, not yet! We’re not visiting Hogwarts just yet!
[The dragon makes a 180 and heads back towards Ye Olde England. Far below on an open field the other heroes are somehow managing to successfully hold up a cow all by themselves, tempting the dragon down. It lands with an ungracious thump, sending Lady Kathleen and Sir Johnny Depp tumbling from it’s back. It’s a bit of a painful drop.]
Lady Kathleen:
[Nursing a scrapped elbow] What was that you said about this all being a hallucination?
Sir Johnny Depp:
What?!
Lady Kathleen:
I said-
Sir Johnny Depp:
I can’t hear you! My ears haven’t popped!
[As the dragon munches down its bovine treat, the heroes all gather for a quick recap on what just happened.]
Narrator:
See, this is the problem with Stage Plays; try as I might, I’ll never be able to properly convey all the scenery and different actions. If anything, the bracketed items merely act as fillers... But don’t think that means you don’t have to read them, no siree...
Wench Natalie:
And it was my idea to feed it a cow! Spencer wanted to go back for the Glover but I said no, the dragon doesn’t want an old leathery taste... He’ll prefer fresh things!
[The dragon is lounging against a giant boulder, picking its teeth with a bovine spine (ha!) When suddenly it begins to choke. It sits there, coughing up smoke for a moment, before a tiny, minuscule cube, about the size of a lump of sugar, pops out of its mouth and lands on the ground at the feet of the heroes.]
Everyone:
Eww!
Lady Alex:
It’s covered in spit, who’s gonna pick it up?[All at once everyone takes a step away from it.]
Sir Cam:
Definitely a leaders job.
Jester Spencer:
Oh without a doubt.
Lady Kathleen
:[Grumbling] Bastards... [She wipes off the dragon spit and tucks the cube into her pocket.] All right, we’ve got the first cube piece, now what?
The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
Wha-? What the hell? Dragon spit? How the hell did you figure out you had to conquer a dragon and make it spit? This is impossible! This plot is carefully thought out, the cubes are hidden in remote destinations not even you lot could think of!
Lady Kathleen:
Evidently, we could.
Sir Johnny Depp:
Can I go home *now*?
The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
No! We need you to act as a harness on all the insanity!
Sir Johnny Depp:
But... The dragon... I just jumped on to the back of a dragon! How can I possibly-
The Evil Betty’s Disembodied Voice:
[Booming] SILENCE. All right... Pull yourself together Betty... It’s going to be okay... Edjuardo’s a good pool boy, he won’t fail you... I’ll let you lot have the cube – THIS time. But the next world, hooboy you better watch yourselves. You thought this place was like an acid trip? This ain’t nothing compared to the... Ah hell, you’ll find out soon enough! SHAZAM!
[Our heroes are suddenly cast into total darkness. The Charmed Theme Song begins to play, everyone starts too feel kind of neauseous because that’s what happens when the world around you spins out of control. Suddenly they’re falling, falling, Falllllllllling!]
[End World 1]
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